Life of Joy

This morning I have been thinking about ruthlessness in its many varieties. Over the last couple of months, I've had the opportunity to see it, close up, in myself and in others around me. I think this opportunity has arisen because there have been so many upsets in my immediate environment, and emergencies tend to summon out people's Shadows.
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In answer to someone's question, it refers to this:

http://passionatemarriage.com/passionatemarriage/about-book

"...a passionate sex life requires each person to face the anxiety of defining himself/herself while getting closer to their partner, a process [David Schnarch] calls differentiation.

Differentiation involves changing the way we think about...[relationships]: Instead of seeing ...[them] as the merging of two people into one, as has often been taught, we must learn to maintain a sense of ourselves as distinct from our partner[s] in order to become closer to [them]. Gaining more differentiation is not easy-and [David Schnarch] warns that any "expert" who promises Eros and intimacy in ten easy steps should not be trusted. Sexual encounters provide perfect opportunities to differentiate and develop the strength to love deeply."

I got this concept from working directly with David Schnarch a handful of years ago and it has served me incredibly well. Although I learned about it in the context of relationship therapy and sexual intimacy, I could immediately see how it applied just as well to non-sexual relationships like those we have with our parents, mentors, long-term teachers and close friends.

If you want to learn more about differentiation, I highly recommend that you read his book, "Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships".

In fact, I think it's required reading for 3rd Degrees and even 2nd Degrees, because the concept helps explains so much of the conflict that arises between students and teachers in long-term Craft relationships.

And for anyone obsessed with maintaining agency in intimate relationships, it's a must-read.

So I’m on the plane thinking hard about the next few days and the last many years. Trips home are fraught with hidden traps, both minefields and opportunities. Hell, the minefields are the opportunities. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that’s Starhawk is right: where there’s fear, there’s power. Sometimes---often---the most fruitful places to look for power are where you least want go.
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The Tao always knows what I need to hear most.

63

Act without doing
work without effort.
Think of the small as large
and the few as many.
Confront the difficult
while it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.

The Master never reaches for the great;
thus she achieves greatness.
When she runs into a difficulty,
she stops and gives herself to it.
She doesn't cling to her own comfort;
thus problems are no problem for her.

Tao te Ching, Stephen Mitchell

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Lots. I was just an awkward kid. But you know, it really encouraged me to develop resilience and tremendous inner resources. I never learned how to grow a thick skin so I still feel everything, but I am very, very good at getting back up after I fall down.

On the whole, I have to say that being bullied was useful. It produced a resilient, adaptive human being with plenty to offer.

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This sounded preachy, so I put it behind a cut.
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Feel free to add your own.

Today I am the bringer of unpopular news. I remember that Erishkigal, too, is my homegirl, alongside Inanna/Aphrodite, and I honor them both.



See the original image, and artist, here: http://kometani.deviantart.com/art/Ereshkigal-131661824

Big learning day here: a few of the lessons so far...

* Yes, I *can* stop myself from losing it/acting out when my brain falls out. There's still an adult in here.

* Really strong temptation today to just step into an emerging situation and fix it in a way that would be very easy for me, but not happy for Michael. Further, Michael is correct in having reservations. Successfully managed to do the right thing instead of the easy thing---and oh gods, I really wanted to do the easy thing---and I even managed to communicate clearly and lovingly about it all to everyone involved. Go me!

* Still managing to get some work done despite the many opportunities for personal growth that keep emerging around me. Am even laughing about it. Dratted personal growth! You make it so difficult to simply get work done!

* Lots of small victories today, mostly consisting of the frequent realization that the sky is gloriously blue and cloudless, unless I choose to put clouds there. That's Pema talk for the observation that most of my angst is self-created, and I can choose to simply release it anytime I wish.

Not bad for most of a day's learning.

Sabrina: "I need a kiss right now..."

Michael: "Why? Are you OK?"

Sabrina: "My heart is so full of love it hurts."

Michael, laughing and embracing me: "Then it needs to grow three times larger today!"

Kissing me

Michael: "It's like a workout: you start to love bigger, and your heart stretches and it's sore. But then it gets used to the feeling and you're OK. Then you learn to love even bigger and it stretches again."

Sabrina, listening

Michael, using his best Arnold Schwarzenegger accent: "Venus is here to pump you up, baby!"

Yesterday was a good and useful day. I'm proud of myself and impressed with my friends and family. Life is much easier when everyone chooses to be a grownup. There are still plenty of challenges, but when everyone has both the capacity and the willingness to be reflective, patient, communicative and transparent, challenges become vehicles for growth instead of drama...

It's difficult to pull this off every time a tricky bit shows up, but whenever I can take a deep breath and get over myself, the results are generally excellent, even spectacular.

I love the vast toolkits our lives have given us, and our endless human talent for generating creative solutions to nagging, chronic problems:


From the forest itself comes the hand for the ax
Split this wilderness listen up this ain't where it's at
Clear a path so that you could find your way back
Chop 'em down, chop 'em down; chop 'em down, chop 'em down


Chop 'Em Down, Matisyahu

And now there are many wonderful things to do/prepare/create before I leave for FSG. The week before a festival is always very, very full. This year I intend to make this a good thing instead of framing it as just another challenge.

"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting."

~The Buddha

You know, there are moments when I look at myself and think,

"It doesn't even matter, in this particular moment, whether I succeed or fail at what I am attempting to do. The progress I've made in even being able to to take this step is breathtaking."