Life of Joy

I have an incredibly important meeting at noon this Monday. Reason would dictate that after this meeting, I should go get a massage or something. That would be logical.

But today I got a call from a woman who defends her dissertation in a week and a half. She needs someone to help her prepare and work with her a little bit to spin her talk. She doesn't have a coach or a mentor/ally. She just needs a little friendly push to help her get past this next scary bit.

And my meeting ends an hour before she has to teach a double only a few floors below me.

I know I should have said no. I know this.

But...

But...

I remember what it was like to be so scared. It meant so much to have people's help. It made all the difference in the world.

And who knows what she will go on to do, to change, to create, to make better and more beautiful in this world. Who knows what she will bring to us all.

I can schedule my massage for later, after both she and I have had our chance to shine.

...and it was fun.

I can now tell high-quality fabrics from low-quality fabrics, I know what works on my body, and I get how to use accessories on a suit.

Found some wonderful things and spent lots of money but feel good about it.

I really had a good time.

One of my very insightful friends (divalion) wrote this to a group of us on another website:

"...from my observations of this group alone, I see mile markers in the change process that nearly all of us have had in common regardless of what it is we're changing, things that aren't obvious when you're setting out-- like, identifying a new venture or project in the direction of the change one is making, lots of joy and excitement and initial success, and then a period of extreme hardship, derailment, or failure with it-- an expansion followed by a difficult contraction---that seems like it might actually be a necessary part of the process..."

I think this is an important observation. The moment my friend proposed this kind of thought for the first time, I thought "Yes. Yes. Yes."
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People get both wiser and wealthier in groups.

From today's Early Morning Buddhist Inspirations:

"The tighter you squeeze, the less you have."
 
  ~Ma-Tsu


I never thanked my first husband for one of the most important lessons he taught me, and it seems important to do it, even though I am not speaking directly to him.

Thank you for teaching me never to try and convince someone that they could/should love me.

That lesson was worth its weight in gold.

Understanding that love can only be inspired, and never demanded, has made my life better.

Thank you.

 
"Human potential is the same for all. Your feeling, "I am of no value", is wrong. Absolutely wrong. You are deceiving yourself. We all have the power of thought - so what are you lacking? If you have willpower, then you can change anything. It is usually said that you are your own master."
 
  ~His Holiness The Dalai Lama 
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Today I'm thinking about the incredibly important role that generosity plays in relationships. Here, I mean a generosity of spirit---the kind of feeling that inclines you to trust in your partner's good sense and overall good will towards you, even during difficult encounters. Lately Michael and I have been talking about how we can tackle some of our career and money-related issues, and I've noticed that although these discussions could easily become tense and difficult, they don't.

Instead of falling into unproductive habits of shaming, blaming and being defensive, we mostly just walk right past those pitfalls and go straight into brainstorming solutions. I've also been thinking about how rarely we fight, and noticing that when we do, it's usually pretty fast-moving: he encourages me to talk, we alternate talking and listening, and even when hard things are said, it's usually OK. I think this happens because each of us is very convinced of the other's good will. Each of us feels generous towards the other, even when we feel scared or angry or defensive. That generosity of spirit isn't so much a feeling as it is a fundamental orientation, a way of seeing each other in the world.

I think I've spent so many years living with this more generous orientation that I've forgotten what it's like to live in a relationship without it. That's an encouraging thought---for almost a decade and a half I lived in a relationship that completely lacked generosity. And before then, I think I only experienced it once, for about two years, maybe less. Yet only six years of a different, healthier kind of experience has been enough to completely reorient my thinking and shift my world view. Those are pretty good numbers. And if I think about it, they get even better. It probably took me only about four years to adopt the new paradigm completely, even after a lifetime lived mostly without it.

So...this tells me that generosity can be learned, and profound shifts can happen in relatively short amounts of time. Hmmmmmm.

I am completely stunned at the capacity for love that has been waiting, only as potential, in my heart. The last year's work---really, the last two years of very hard work---have opened me up profoundly. Nowhere is this more evident than in the growth and insights I have experienced with both C. and L., who have become my teachers in the Buddhist sense of the term. Each woman, unknowing, offers me the opportunity to grow in poignant and unexpected ways by choosing to remain present, honest and unflinchingly courageous in their communications with me. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this.

I am a better, more powerful person for it.

I am also growing and expanding through each interaction I experience with M. and O., but I expected something like this. It is no less powerful, no less profound, but some part of me isn't surprised by it.

C. and L., however, are shaping me in ways I never really considered. And neither of them has the slightest clue.

Today I decided to clean my office.

I've been doing a lot of things lately, and my office has acquired a metric ton of clutter. I believe that clutter always has emotional energy attached to it---stale emotional energy. So I thought I'd file things, clear away the clutter, wipe away the dust and generally put stuff away.

I cleaned for a good 40 minutes and then came to my old computer docking station and stopped. It's big old thing that holds up a gynormous monitor and also has my old keyboard shoved up inside it, along with a mouse and various cords. I never use it anymore and I haven't for months---maybe even a year.

I noticed that it was dusty and kind of nasty, and it was taking up a big chunk of space on my desk. To accomodate it, I had arranged many of my desk-top items on the other side of my work space.
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It could just be me, but I think there's a metaphor for personal growth in here somewhere.

Every now and then
I can see that I am getting somewhere
where I have to go is so deep
I was angry back then and you
know I still am
I have lost too much sleep
But I'm gonna find it

Shawn Colvin, Diamond in the Rough

This week has been full, full of ups and downs. I am trying hard to absorb everything I've been exposed to over the past two or three months, and the process of adaptation has been tricky and spotty. Sometimes I'm totally up to it and I feel good---completely up to the task. Occasionally, though, there are serious drops in mood and temporary bouts of insanity. I can feel myself sliding into them even if I can't stop them, but mercifully, they are usually quite brief. Once I'm out, I'm pretty much able to say, "Huh, that wasn't helpful at all. Look at that: massive acting out. Now, how can I minimize the chances that I'll do *that* again?"

Overall, I think I'm s-l-o-w-l-y succeeding at shifting my perspective/s into something newer, something more useful and something that's bound to allow me greater happiness. Very, very carefully, I'm shedding my old tired skin and exposing the fresh new skin beneath it.

And, as Shawn Colvin sings out loud to herself, that's enough.

You're shining
I can see you
You're smiling
That's enough, and

I'm holding on to you
like a diamond in the rough
like a diamond in the rough

"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting."

~The Buddha

You know, there are moments when I look at myself and think,

"It doesn't even matter, in this particular moment, whether I succeed or fail at what I am attempting to do. The progress I've made in even being able to to take this step is breathtaking."