Unravelling a tangled thread
Oct. 16th, 2011 10:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabrinamariSo today I had a conversation I do not feel good about. And what I don't feel good about is the way I presented myself in, it as well as some of the things I said to the person with whom I was speaking. I made a promise at FoV to be "proactive, open-hearted and direct" in my one-on-one conversations, especially those that challenge me. And since I made that vow (and even a few days prior) I've been doing well at keeping that promise. In many, many conversations since then I've been able to do all of those things: I've been proactive, open-hearted, direct and more. I've also written to several people in ways that kept all of those promises.
But I didn't do it today. And I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I just want to understand why, so I don't do do it again.
I've been walking back through that conversation, trying to figure out what I was feeling at various points and connect them to what I actually said. This isn't as easy as it sounds; I can't always put my finger on what I'm feeling other than, "something feels weird in my stomach," or "I feel restless and my body has tensed up". When I'm really getting triggered, I want to get up and walk away. But though I can connect to my feelings through my body, I can't necessarily translate them into language on the spot.
In retrospect, I think what happened was this: at some point in the conversation I got a pang that actually meant, "Uh oh. I think maybe this means my conversation partner doesn't really want to get that close to me." And I responded defensively, in a mean and kind of distancing way. This, in turn, felt bad, but I couldn't really grasp what was going on or change directions. After that comment, all I could tell was that I was a bit off kilter, faux tough and protective of my heart. In retrospect, it didn't feel authentic.
OK. I think that's progress.
So how do I figure out what's happening in the moment and use that knowledge to shift myself towards a more authentic way of being/communicating? What can I do instead of getting defensive, failing to recognize this, and acting out automatically?
Some ideas:
* I can almost always feel that something is wrong in my body, even when I don't know exactly what it is. I could call a temporary stop action when I feel something by saying, "Hey, I'm getting an uncomfortable feeling right now, but I don't know why. Could we stop talking for a minute while I try to put my finger on it?" This assumes that my conversation partner of the moment is both a thoughtful, compassionate person and a sophisticated communicator. Fortunately, this is often true. My friends rock.
* I could say, "This conversation is triggering me a little bit. I wonder if we could take a break while I think about what I'm feeling. Could you give me [an hour, a day, whatever] to think about it, then I'll call you back?" This might work if I'm really lost or time is short.
* If I have a very sophisticated person on the phone, I could always say, "Something Is wrong and I can't put my finger on it. Can you help me figure it out?" Come to think of it, I've actually done this once with Cat---and she did help me work it out.
This is a good start. I think I can sleep now.
But I didn't do it today. And I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I just want to understand why, so I don't do do it again.
I've been walking back through that conversation, trying to figure out what I was feeling at various points and connect them to what I actually said. This isn't as easy as it sounds; I can't always put my finger on what I'm feeling other than, "something feels weird in my stomach," or "I feel restless and my body has tensed up". When I'm really getting triggered, I want to get up and walk away. But though I can connect to my feelings through my body, I can't necessarily translate them into language on the spot.
In retrospect, I think what happened was this: at some point in the conversation I got a pang that actually meant, "Uh oh. I think maybe this means my conversation partner doesn't really want to get that close to me." And I responded defensively, in a mean and kind of distancing way. This, in turn, felt bad, but I couldn't really grasp what was going on or change directions. After that comment, all I could tell was that I was a bit off kilter, faux tough and protective of my heart. In retrospect, it didn't feel authentic.
OK. I think that's progress.
So how do I figure out what's happening in the moment and use that knowledge to shift myself towards a more authentic way of being/communicating? What can I do instead of getting defensive, failing to recognize this, and acting out automatically?
Some ideas:
* I can almost always feel that something is wrong in my body, even when I don't know exactly what it is. I could call a temporary stop action when I feel something by saying, "Hey, I'm getting an uncomfortable feeling right now, but I don't know why. Could we stop talking for a minute while I try to put my finger on it?" This assumes that my conversation partner of the moment is both a thoughtful, compassionate person and a sophisticated communicator. Fortunately, this is often true. My friends rock.
* I could say, "This conversation is triggering me a little bit. I wonder if we could take a break while I think about what I'm feeling. Could you give me [an hour, a day, whatever] to think about it, then I'll call you back?" This might work if I'm really lost or time is short.
* If I have a very sophisticated person on the phone, I could always say, "Something Is wrong and I can't put my finger on it. Can you help me figure it out?" Come to think of it, I've actually done this once with Cat---and she did help me work it out.
This is a good start. I think I can sleep now.
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no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 06:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 11:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 02:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 08:45 am (UTC)It's certainly no lie to say you don't feel good, and whether they interpret it as feeling ill or not is up to them.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 11:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 10:36 am (UTC)You've heard me say, "Huh, that's interesting. I just felt a twinge. Maybe it's. . ." and I go exploring. I generally only do that with loved ones, not at the office.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 11:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 12:25 pm (UTC)Reading your description is good for me. I'm just coming to the realization that my body can speak/is speaking to me and I may be a little deaf. Sure, the big stuff gets through and I wonder what opportunities I am missing before that full body response. Reading your sharing here is another reminder it's possible to sense stuff earlier in interactions.
Me- turning up the dials ;).
no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 05:43 pm (UTC)