Generosity of spirit
Oct. 20th, 2011 01:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabrinamariToday I'm thinking about the incredibly important role that generosity plays in relationships. Here, I mean a generosity of spirit---the kind of feeling that inclines you to trust in your partner's good sense and overall good will towards you, even during difficult encounters. Lately Michael and I have been talking about how we can tackle some of our career and money-related issues, and I've noticed that although these discussions could easily become tense and difficult, they don't.
Instead of falling into unproductive habits of shaming, blaming and being defensive, we mostly just walk right past those pitfalls and go straight into brainstorming solutions. I've also been thinking about how rarely we fight, and noticing that when we do, it's usually pretty fast-moving: he encourages me to talk, we alternate talking and listening, and even when hard things are said, it's usually OK. I think this happens because each of us is very convinced of the other's good will. Each of us feels generous towards the other, even when we feel scared or angry or defensive. That generosity of spirit isn't so much a feeling as it is a fundamental orientation, a way of seeing each other in the world.
I think I've spent so many years living with this more generous orientation that I've forgotten what it's like to live in a relationship without it. That's an encouraging thought---for almost a decade and a half I lived in a relationship that completely lacked generosity. And before then, I think I only experienced it once, for about two years, maybe less. Yet only six years of a different, healthier kind of experience has been enough to completely reorient my thinking and shift my world view. Those are pretty good numbers. And if I think about it, they get even better. It probably took me only about four years to adopt the new paradigm completely, even after a lifetime lived mostly without it.
So...this tells me that generosity can be learned, and profound shifts can happen in relatively short amounts of time. Hmmmmmm.
Instead of falling into unproductive habits of shaming, blaming and being defensive, we mostly just walk right past those pitfalls and go straight into brainstorming solutions. I've also been thinking about how rarely we fight, and noticing that when we do, it's usually pretty fast-moving: he encourages me to talk, we alternate talking and listening, and even when hard things are said, it's usually OK. I think this happens because each of us is very convinced of the other's good will. Each of us feels generous towards the other, even when we feel scared or angry or defensive. That generosity of spirit isn't so much a feeling as it is a fundamental orientation, a way of seeing each other in the world.
I think I've spent so many years living with this more generous orientation that I've forgotten what it's like to live in a relationship without it. That's an encouraging thought---for almost a decade and a half I lived in a relationship that completely lacked generosity. And before then, I think I only experienced it once, for about two years, maybe less. Yet only six years of a different, healthier kind of experience has been enough to completely reorient my thinking and shift my world view. Those are pretty good numbers. And if I think about it, they get even better. It probably took me only about four years to adopt the new paradigm completely, even after a lifetime lived mostly without it.
So...this tells me that generosity can be learned, and profound shifts can happen in relatively short amounts of time. Hmmmmmm.
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Date: 2011-10-20 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-20 09:06 pm (UTC)