Wondering why I am always so behind.

[sabrinamari]

Why do I always find myself so overwhelmed and behind? Am I really behind, or is it just that I can't deal with the amount of stuff that normal people have to do? I always seem to have this break-neck checklist of things to do in my head: household stuff, personal care stuff, job related stuff, job-seeking stuff, Craft stuff, health-related stuff, transformational stuff, financial stuff---stuff, stuff, stuff!

Do I really have too much stuff to do on a regular basis, maybe because I don't say no enough and overload my plate on a regular basis, or is it my attitude that is the problem? Do I have a bad attitude? Like, not being able to appropriately relax and put aside things and only focus on one thing at a time, like normal people? What is the *actual* problem here?

The answer is probably obvious to my local friends who see me on a reglar basis but I am really stumped this morning.

Are the major contributors that...

1. I can't say no to request for help and I have crappy boundaries?
2. I can't relax and set things aside to be dealt with later like normal people?
3. I use constant activities as a way not to think and feel, as a way to self-medicate?
4. I have a bad attitude about needing to get everything done all at the same time and have it all be perfect right now?
5. Other stuff I haven't even thought of?

What is it? What? What?

Comments

[effloresense.livejournal.com]

I understand what you're talking about. I've been struggling with this quite acutely in the last couple days.

The thing that I try to use to remind myself to be gentle with myself over this is that there's a *strong* societal expectation in play here as well. "Normal people" don't feel like they can relax and focus on one thing at a time. Our culture is all about the multitask multitask multitask. If we're not handling at least three things at once, then we're falling down on the job.

It's of course bullshit. But the pressure is there.

Yes, there might be some of those other things helping to buy into that feeling of always being behind. But I think that if society supported people living a simpler life and being able to cultivate a mind set of thinking in terms of abundance rather than deficit, we wouldn't feel so stressed to keep EVERY ball in the air all the time.

Would that we could afford to live in a commune and have our financial and physical needs taken care of so that we could focus on intellectual and spiritual pursuits.

And S, *thank you* for posting this. I've had myself worked into quite the tizzy this morning thinking about this exact same stuff. You're forcing me to think on my own advice. ;)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I'm amazed at how many of us are dealing with the same issue---it's clearly a widespread cultural phenomenon, as you suggest. I am now thinking that I may need to make multiple small changes in several areas at first, and slowly, slowly transform different areas of my life into something calmer. It's so hard not to get driven and obsessive, even about making positive changes!

Still struggling with it today, but trying to breathe deeply and not get sucked into panic.

[effloresense.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I understand what you mean about getting driven about making positive changes. In my experience, the smaller incremental changes are the way that we integrate those radical shifts that give us the opportunities for change. It's like taking the time to try to sculpt the pieces so they fit really tightly rather than just shoving them together and chancing something falling out or not sticking. It takes control, discipline, concentration, patience, and most of all *time*.

One day at a time, hon. And next thing you know, you look up from working on all those changes and your life will look like you want it to. :)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"And next thing you know, you look up from working on all those changes and your life will look like you want it to. :)"

I can't wait! : )

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

Don't beat yourself up with what "normal" people manage - they're all doing what you're doing and wondering how everyone else copes.

You tend to take on too much and seem to be too worried about what others will think if things aren't perfect. Last night's meal was utterly fabulous. It would have been utterly fabulous if there had been only 2 dishes, or only 1. You were getting stressed about a perceived imperfection in the spinach, and nobody cared about it. If you'd said, "Fuck it, we'll just put this aside and eat what's already out", we'd all have been perfectly happy. Everyone does stuff like this sometimes, but you're recovering from a relationship and PhD course where you were constantly told that perfection and overcommittment might just get you by. You might want, every time you panic about how to get everything done, to prioritise and say, "What can I drop altogether? What can be shunted aside or to someone else?" And breathe.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

This is probably the sanest possible first step: breathe, and lower standards to a less daunting level.

Get out of my brain

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

I'm having a meltodown today about the exact issue of this post.

A former shrink once told me that my activism was my way of avoiding dealing with myself. Balls to that! My activism should have been the path to a lifetime of usefulness. Instead of pursuing that path I chose an internal rode. Now all I want to do is be a professional activist. That former shrink should be burned at the stake.

Today I was ready to tell the UU leadership group that I simply can't handle my major obligation to them along with all of the other things in my life. I'm home recovering with la tourista, so I've had a chance to pull myself together and recommit to my avocation. But I would not have been able to do this if I hadn't had time to myself this morning.

I thinkw we just need time away. Vacations, time with friends, performances, outings - none of these are time away. We all just need down time - time to watch the clouds roll by and just fricking relax. I didn't allow myself that in the past, but I've figured out that I will explode if I don't have it.

Oh yeah- my boundaries also suck. Learning to say no is hard, but essential. I'm working on it.

ew bad spelling errors

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

I apologize for them in shame.

Re: ew bad spelling errors

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Don't. I leave flagrant misspellings in almost every post. In LJ posts, it's substance that matters, not spelling.

Re: Get out of my brain

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"Today I was ready to tell the UU leadership group that I simply can't handle my major obligation to them along with all of the other things in my life."

I need to follow this model as well and learn to say no. Just, "I'm sorry, I can't do that right now. I wish that I could." I think that in itself would help the boundaries issue progress.

#5 perhaps...

[amber-phoenix.livejournal.com]

You're vibrantly alive and aware when compared to "normal" people (who are likely just as stressed as you are). Being awake makes you want to do more - to tend to yourself as you know is possible, to tend to the world and it's lovely lovely people, to accomplish professional and financial goals, to make your environment beautiful, etc. etc. etc.

This wouldn't mean you shouldn't find ways to slow down and breathe, but all your business could be the result of positive things, no? Perhaps you have a *good* attitude and an open heart.

Re: #5 perhaps...

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, maybe part of it is indeed a desire to solve everything at once and grow in every way possible at once. After all, there are *so many* things to do and so many ways to grow and transform...it could be a positive kind of overwhelm as well.

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

phoo to 'being normal ' whatever that is.

a suggestion though--take on no NEW commitmenst til Ostara. And see how things feel then.. it's aonly 3 weeks but I think it will help. i do the same, when i start to get spread to thin.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"...no NEW commitmenst til Ostara"

I am adopting this immediately!

[skyefyr.livejournal.com]

Well Bunny, you definitely have a good grip on what the contributing factors are. The question is, what are you going to do about them? (Anxiously awaiting your response since I love seeing how you handle problems we both have. )

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Shoot, I am still just trying to call you! If I can just do that and pay my rent, I'll be happy. But I am going to try some of the suggestions above, my friend.

[oaktavia.livejournal.com]

I agree with skyefyr... you have a good idea about the contributers to your stress - though I don't see #3 as being a *major* contributor.
IMO from the friend-observer, I would say in descending order it might be like this:
#1
#4
#2
#5

but then again... I catagorize you as one of the 'normal people' as a point of comparison when I over analyze my own issues, so my opinion might not be all that helpful! ;-)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Actually, this concrete feedback really helps. It's hard to see one's self with any kind of objectivity. Thank you, dear!

[oaktavia.livejournal.com]

you're very welcome! I'm glad I could help, even if it's just this small bit of input. I'm very impressed and inspired by how courageously you are tackling all this, sweetie...
rah! rah! rah! (cheering you on!)

Doing too Much

[ingridsummers.livejournal.com]

I came to the realization this fall that I'm sometimes so busy so that I always have an excuse not to do the things I don't want to do (like housework or social engagements). It was important to me to fess up about that behaivor an consciously make choices about where I was spending my time.

Now, I am still consciously choosing to over-book at times. But, when I don't want to do something, I'm consciously saying "no". It's not easy. Socially, it's much easier to give regrets because I'm too busy, rather than say, I need time alone. Or, I don't want to go.

Best of luck as you navigate this choppy water.

Re: Doing too Much

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Maybe I can ask,"What am I avoiding? What am I afraid of?" "what do I feel I can't say no to?"

That might be very telling...

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Don't forget that you are going through a time of radical change. You have made SO MANY decisions about your life that it is impossible to prioritize everything just now----EVERYTHING feels like a priority! THe first thing to do is to stop. Then think about what you need to do vs. what you want to do vs. everything else. Then act on those decisions. When you've finished, look back at what you've done and see if it was good---and then remember how you did it for future reference. If you do that every day for a while, it will become habit and then.....things will fall into place! :)

BTW---this is what we used for my son, who was an ADHD child. It's called the STAR method----Stop, Think, Act, React. It helped him get through his childhood, and now he's in the Air Force and soon to be a father! It works. :)

Snuggle hugs!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"You have made SO MANY decisions about your life that it is impossible to prioritize everything just now----EVERYTHING feels like a priority!"

My gods, this is SO EXACTLY how I feel! Like I'm on a little boat in a big, rough ocean clinging on for dear life and all the big waves come from the 10,000 changes that I've mde/the gods have introduced all at once. And I'm saying, "oh my gods, I need to respond to EACH WAVE individually in order to stop it but there are just too many and it's all moving too fast...

and then panicky feelings start.

So then I need to breathe, and stop.

And say, "What am I afraid of? Avoiding? What can I drop or put off? Just for today?"

That might be my best option...a combination of people's suggestions...and then find 1-2 things I can say no to, in a nice way...