(no subject)

[sabrinamari]

Last night was a little melancholy, but I realized then and today that all is essentially well. I am blessed with no terrifying challenge that I fear I cannot meet; I am not missing key information about my problems that restrains me from optimally effective action (as was the case for so many years in my marriage). No one intends me ill. All the betrayals that I have experienced in recent years are the burdens of my betrayers, not mine. My life is rich and full of possibilities. There is no one here to tell me that I am not pretty enough, not good enough, too "NASCAR instead of ballet," or any other other such insult. There is no one projecting their fears and faults onto my character.

Instead, I am surrounded by friends that I trust. I can look at my community and see plenty of integrity. I can look in my heart and see good intentions and the sweet desire to give and receive love. I can look at my history and make peace with it. I can forgive my past faults and acknowledge that I learned well from them, and that I can trust myself, more than I have ever been able to trust myself, to "first, do no harm".

I have been part of something great. I have been part of Braided Stream and Blue Star.

My family loves me, and I love them. They see me as I am; they know me, and they love me still. I harbor no fears that I am loved only because my true self is hidden. If I am sad sometimes, it is OK to be sad. If I am happy, I can enjoy each exquisite moment of that happiness. And while I want to live a long, healthy, full and joyful life, if I die today, it will be alright. Because I have done well with I have been given, and it is enough.

Crying, but grateful for my life and the many, many good things in it.

Blessed Be.

Comments

[wild-place-king.livejournal.com]

I can only say, "wow."

[amyslay.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Well!

[owllady13.livejournal.com]

You are an amazing woman! I am humbled and honored to have you in my life.

Thank you.

apropos of nothing

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

What I admire most about you is your single minded pursuit of your career goals. Oh yeah, HAVING career goals is in the mix as well.

One is always enough. One always has within all that is needed for a happy life. You have more than enough. You are more than enough. And you could lose everything you have and still be the goddesses perfect child.

Re: apropos of nothing

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

crying like a baby, Kayla

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

W00T!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Hug!

[catpaw67.livejournal.com]

Isn't it amazing to wake up one morning and find that there's nothing to feel rotten about? I think in our society we tend to operate in a constant state of "what needs fixing?" It's miraculous to find yourself answering, "Nothing!" Go, Sabrina! I'm your biggest fan. Love you, bunny.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

love you too, baby. what would I have done without you?

[citabria]

too "NASCAR instead of ballet,"

I'll never forget it when an ex, in breaking up, said part of the reason was because I know and freely talk about wine, therefore I come off as pretentious. It's amazing how this sort of thing can hit you. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

I harbor no fears that I am loved only because my true self is hidden.

::smile:: This, to me, is true freedom. {{{{{{morehugs}}}}}}

So when do I get to see you, you busy woman? ;)

Tee hee

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

I'll never forget it when an ex, in breaking up, said part of the reason was because I know and freely talk about wine, therefore I come off as pretentious.

When I told one ex that I had spent every weekend since the end of our relationship scrubbing my bathroom, he pointed to my new, obsessivness as proof of the benefit of the breakup. Ha.

Haven't we all learned by now that when someone is breaking up with us, they say whatever they must to make us go away so they can be "free"? Often the things they say make little sense. Most of the time they reflect more on the dumper than the dumpee.

I love spending time in the company of people who talk freely about wine. That's a good thing, imho.

Re: Tee hee

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"Haven't we all learned by now that when someone is breaking up with us, they say whatever they must to make us go away so they can be "free"? Often the things they say make little sense. Most of the time they reflect more on the dumper than the dumpee."

Exactly. Actually, I hadn't learned that before this comment hit me. This is the comment that taught me about the phenomenon.

Re: Tee hee

[dragonflycai.livejournal.com]

Haven't we all learned by now that when someone is breaking up with us, they say whatever they must to make us go away so they can be "free"? Often the things they say make little sense. Most of the time they reflect more on the dumper than the dumpee.

Ye gods, i've seen this soo many times. Even in myself, if i'm to be honest. But the example that glares brightest in my memory was the ex who said i wasn't taking care of my body and my weight after i had just lost over 10 pounds by exercising (making me 30 pounds lighter than i am now). He was the one who was gaining weight. The rest of his list of reasons to ditch me included more things he didn't like about himself. Knowing the list had little to do with me took away some of the sting, but not the pain of parting ways.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, I need to call you and make some plans! : )

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

And you know what? When we visit, let's break open a bottle or two of wine! Although I must confess---coarse and inelegant thing that I am---I only like the sweet wines. You may have to provide some 'good' wine in self defense. (smiling)

[citabria]

Oh my dear ... sweet wines can be phenomenal! I first started learning about wine when I fell in love with Finger Lakes Rieslings -- sweet yet tart, bursting with life and fullness that explodes on your tongue.... ::happysigh::

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh, I love the Finger Lake Rieslings! There's one in particular that I tried years ago that had the scent and the taste of violets. It was amazing! Did I remember the winery or the year? Of course not! but I can remember the bottle.

[dragonflycai.livejournal.com]

Have you ever tried an ice wine? I haven't tried one yet, but i understand they're sweet and was wondering if they might be the sort of sweet that you enjoy...

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Yesw, serbrew introduced me to them, and I love them.

[seedmoon.livejournal.com]

I second the "wow".

Was the NASCAR line actually said to you? Thats inconceivable.

WARNING: angry, painful feelings expressed below

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

It wasn't actually intended as an insult. It was intended as a factual description of my person. By way of explaining why I am not compatible with him, he said, very matter-of-factly, "You are NASCAR while I am ballet."

The implications, of course, are that while he is elegant, upper class, educated and special, I am coarse, lower class, uneducated and common; in other words, that I am not a fashionable, cutting edge "top-of-the-line model" of a wife. I think he really believed this while he was saying it.

The facts: I am from a middle class family. I have a college education. Both of my parents have graduate degrees, one with 2 Masters' and a Ph.D, one with a Master's. I have earned a Ph.D. All of my life, I have been exposed to a middle-class cultural norms and cultural capital, and my multicultural family has allowed me to benefit from a wide exposure to other parts of the world as well. I have traveled on three continents. I speak three languages. I grew up attending symphonies, the ballet and even operas, although none of these pastimes are among my very favorites---visiting museums is my favorite. I am comfortable in *any* middle-to-upper-middle-class setting. I have a very diverse group of friends, many of whom are highly educated and well-traveled themselves, and I am comfortable interacting with them and being around them.

None of these things are true of him. Not a single one.

However---I don't hate and fear anything that comes from the working class. I don't normally look down on those who are not middle class (although if I look close enough, I too harbor some rather ugly class-based prejudices). Instead of turning away when I see homelessness and poverty, I give alms. Instead of despising the weak and the vulnerable, I make it part of my life's work to change the system so that they get good healthcare. I voluntarily worked for years in the heart of that poster child of urban poverty, Newark. And I brought home the small gifts my Newark friends gave me, even though they reflected the tastes of a marginalized urban aesthetic. And I was OK with that; I even delighted in it.

I do not care what kind of car you drive or whether or not you have a Bose stereo. I don't care so much about trendyness and fashion that I have to buy an expensive, cutting edge wardrobe every year, even though I like nice clothes and I enjoy making sure that I look pretty when I'm not being crushed by two jobs and a dissertation. I do not believe that my house and my possessions are the ultimate reflection of who I am. My home does not have to be a perfect example of the modern New York loft aesthetic whenever someone comes over to visit. I am not a trophy wife, and I don't give a shit about having a trophy life.

It is these things that he found unforgivable and common about me. It is these things that he despised in me. This, and projection of his own repressed shadow-self, are why he said this really rotten thing to me.

At the time, I did not even take it in. I did not even hear its deeper meaning through the wall of my intense sorrow. But now, I hear it. I hear it loud and clear.

WARNING: mean, nasty humor at another's expense expressed below

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

"The implications, of course, are that while he is elegant, upper class, educated and special, I am coarse, lower class, uneducated and common;"

His comment could be paraphrased as:

"You are down to earth but I am foppish."

Re: WARNING: mean, nasty humor at another's expense expressed below

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Yes, it could. : )

Re: WARNING: mean, nasty humor at another's expense expressed below

[shakti-lemaris.livejournal.com]

So what? You're entitled. As I said to another of us who was having an angry-at-partner moment: "He's a poopyhead!"

Re: WARNING: mean, nasty humor at another's expense expressed below

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

smiling.

[seedmoon.livejournal.com]

Another stammering "wow".

We had a conversation last summer in which you tried to tell me some of you concerns about Ken's "flaws". I was too absorbed in my own muck at the time to really hear you.
I should have been more of a sounding board for you.

I'm sorry.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

{{{{seedmoon}}}}

Re: WARNING: angry, painful feelings expressed below

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

NASCAR?! I'm just going to stagger around repeating "NASCAR?!" incredulously for a while now. Don't mind me.

Re: WARNING: angry, painful feelings expressed below

[shakti-lemaris.livejournal.com]

Maybe you were feeling anger and pain as you expressed that, but what was expressed was quite clear and factual. You are my hero, and you're dealing with this crossroads in your life with great skill!

Re: WARNING: angry, painful feelings expressed below

[oakleaves.livejournal.com]

By way of explaining why I am not compatible with him, he said, very matter-of-factly, "You are NASCAR while I am ballet."

You know, Swan lake has been aptly described as being a story about adultery, personality disorder, and betrayal...

Here's to waving a chequered flag for you at the finish line...

[willowoak.livejournal.com]

And we are blessed and graced by your presence among us. :)

*BIG HUG*

[dragonflycai.livejournal.com]

*big hug*

So beautifully put. Thank you for sharing this.

[cernunnos1956.livejournal.com]

You have always been an inspiration to me ever since I first met you! So Sweet, Beautiful, full of life, and KIND to everyone, even me! I am not really close to you but I kinda send you a "Hi Sabrina" twice every day when I pass through New Brunswick. Just wanted you to know that after reading about your divorce and how you are handling things; you are even more of an inspiration to me! Thank You Sweet Lady!

HUGS

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

{{{{cernunnos}}}}

big hug to you, friend.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Oh, how well I know about all "my imperfections" as seen through the eyes of my exes---but only AFTER we parted ways. I also came to believe that it was their justification for allowing the relationship to crumble, because I was always the one to work at building and re-creating the relationship to keep it alive and viable. I've been told that I was fat, hard-headed, stubborn......I've been told that I was "too good", that I was a saint and that no one can live with a saint. I was told by my last ex that I was a gold-digger, only after him for his money and that I make a production out of making love. No wonder that I had to fallk into a deep dark hole to stop and take stock of myself! I foudn out that I am me, and if that isn't what you want, or not good enough---then go somewhere else---I'm not gonna change who I am deep inside for anyone else---never again. And in the process of finding myself---I found David, who is everything I could have ever asked for, and together we are finding out who "we" are. I asked the Goddess to show me the person I was meant for, when I was ready----and there he was, waiting for me, too.

This long ramble (LOL) was only meant to say that yes---you ARE the Goddess' perfect child, and She will take care of things for you in the right time for you--which, of course, you knew!

It's OK to cry---tears are cleansing. We all need to cry to clear our hearts and out heads of the burdens of life. Tears make room for more love and more joy.

Hugs---see you very soon!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this wisdom, my dear.

NASCAR vs. Ballet

[puckmls.livejournal.com]

Sabrina, my dear, you truly, truly rock. {{{ hugs }}}

My first impression when reading the NASCAR comment was that driving a race car, and driving it well, takes as much physical power, discipline, and grace as ballet does. Ballet uses one's body to express emotion; NASCAR uses one's body to move a machine. I studied ballet for 8 years, and have driven a car for 20 years. There are times when I'm driving fast, with control, and it feels to me like ballet or tai chi or some other physical discipline.

So, NASCAR and ballet are like two paths of power -- neither is better or worse than the other. Each has its strengths and weaknesses, its pleasure and its pain. And the person that tried to devalue you by comparing you to NASCAR obviously didn't truly know you. Or NASCAR, for that matter. ;-) (I still prefer ballet to NASCAR, but I have a better appreciation of the latter since moving to upstate NY, where it's extremely popular.)

Re: NASCAR vs. Ballet

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This is a brilliant analysis, Actually, the person I know who has the most right to say that she is "NASCAR"---and who has said this to me herself---is one of my most important role models right now. She is a gifted martial artist, incrediblr courageous and physically powerful, and a person who has refused to allow multiply concurrent, emotionally crushing hardships keep her down.

She has physical power, emotional resilience, discipline and grace.

Shannon Bowman.