air mattress chest

[sabrinamari]

Put in an inquiry about an apartment. It looks like a very good option. I will have to move in during the first weekend of December if all goes well and I get it without a hitch, re-juggling my calender yet again. Change: right now I hate it. I have way too much of it. Too bad; it's necessary for long-term happiness later.

I'm functioning well, much better than could be expected by a person with a constant, mushy bag of pain in her chest. It feels like a big semi-inflated bag of air with an irregular, slightly oblong shape. When I breathe, it dips and flattens here and there, like an under-inflated air mattress. I am watching this pain and feeling it, for the most part. So far, so good. It hasn't killed me. Moment to moment it's a rollercoaster. I am perfectly aware that if I can sit in the middle of this pain, attending to it and not fighting it, it will diminish over time. It will not kill me.

Right now, a couple of things reduce it: talking with friends about unrelated things, massage, focusing hard on playful or happy or meaningful things I really like, and reading science fiction and fantasy. I read almost all weekend and kept it partially at bay that way.

Sleep is hardly happening at all. Food must be forced down. But I am functioning. Still exercising: did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer today and stretched afterwards. I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight.

Comments

I'm here if you need me...

[owllady13.livejournal.com]

Thanks to the lovely spouse of my former humband, I am now a Reiki practitioner. I am more than willing to send healing to you, should you wish it. Just let me know.

I also havn'e forgotten aobut the bath salts recipe. I will get it sent via email tonight!

*snuggles*

Re: I'm here if you need me...

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Please send.

Endorphins

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

Lot's and lots of them. Whatever you do, don't allow anything to cut into your work out time. You know this, but a reminder can't hurt.

Re: Endorphins

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the reminder. I need it. Working out is the best drug I know aside from massage therapy.

oh bunny

[paganpilgrim.livejournal.com]

Sabrina, bunny!!
I wanted to send you love, and offer to take you out. You can come live with us, but we have to move in 6 months. I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain but I am here if you need anything.

lots and lots and lots of love

Re: oh bunny

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear. Jennie so kindly called to make me the offer. I thought about it---being close to you two would be wonderful---but I am night blind and must minimize the length of my nighttime commute. The place I applied to is really close to the job and the townhouse and close to familiar territory, so I can drive less at night, and drive on very familiar roads.

I'm not a person that can ever commute unless I live in a land of midnight sun. : )

[onyxtwilight.livejournal.com]

Love you.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

love you too, and miss you.

Jeannie Hund poem

[oakleaves.livejournal.com]

"I'll bet you've had enough
of people telling you how strong you are
and how great you're doing
during this awful, difficult
period in your life.

Maybe you'd rather hear someone say
how much this sucks, how outrageous
and unfair it is.

Maybe you'd rather hear someone tell you
that you don't have to be strong
all the time.
Or that it's definitely okay
to curse fate and throw a tantrum or two.

So here I am to tell you
all that stuff and more,
to let you know where I stand,
which is right in your corner.

There is no right way or wrong way
at a time like this.
However you work through this thing
is immaterial to me.

All I care about is that
you ask for what you need,
lean on those who love you,
and try to trust me when I say
that you'll come through the other side."


- Jeannie Hund

I just heard...

[kinkypagan.livejournal.com]

Hey, there. I've been off LJ for a while now (mostly because I haven't been home enough), but when Sharon mentioned what's going on with you a few minutes ago, I immediately logged on.

Oh, Sabrina! I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, having gone through something similiar a year ago. Please know that you have all my sympathy and support. If there is *anything* I can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask me for it.

Will you be in for a phone call sometime this week? I think there's a lot we could talk about.

Love,
Galen

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Dearest one.....

Don't inflate that mushy bag of pain, or it will overpower you. Don't ignore it, or it will follow you wherever you go for the rest of your life. Don't let anyone take it from you---but don't hold onto it forever. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the pain is now a part of you that will always be there, no matter who or what you wish to become. Don't wear yourself out with blame, shame, recrimination---probably one of the hardest things to avoid.

Do take care of yourself. Do eat and sleep as much as you can---and if you can't, seek medical help. Do remain open to love---accept it from those who love you. Do let others be there for you and help you-it's bad to be going through this alone. Do cry from time to time---a friend once told me he called it "tear therapy"---and it works. Do allow yourself to be a little weaker than you are used to, a little more angry than you are used to, a little more negative than you are used to----because you will gain perspective. Do realize that you are a worthwhile person, and that this is just a bump in the road of life---even if right now, it feels like a mountain.

Never, ever give up on yourself, or on your capacity to love and be loved.

And call if you need us---we're here for you, as much as you were ever here for us.

Sending much love, empathy and support in your direction!

Sharon

[dragonflycai.livejournal.com]

((( hugsss )))

Sending random warm fuzzy thoughts to help uplift and sustain you, dear. In this moment and whenever you might come to mind.

And the next is whipered softly in your ear, with all the gentleness and kindness in my heart...
This too shall pass.
((( big warm hugs )))

May you find many playful, happy and meaningful things to strengthen and steer you forward.

[amber-phoenix.livejournal.com]

If I wwere there, I'd cook you something, and brew tea, because that's what I do. But I'm not there, so I'll send some nurturing thoughts your way, and perhaps they'll help you brew some tea for yourself.

Keep up the workouts. Eat, Drink and Sleep when you can.

Breathe.

The universe has much to give you, and much for you to do. Let some of this time be when you accept the gifts, rather than do the deeds.