Watching a friend

This morning I'm feeling inspired by a friend who has really struggled in a couple of areas in his life, but has managed his troubles through great anguish and anger, and recently come to a place of real grace.

He's had many setbacks and explosions, but I've watched him move from great reactivity to gentleness and sanity with others, especially when he is afraid and defensive. That's so hard to do! It's amazingly difficult to stay gentle when you feel threatened.

He has done a good job of looking at the destructiveness that comes from speaking and acting out of fear. Wow.

Watching him, I get a sense of how much his problems have motivated him to push past his old ways of relating. It's very useful to watch someone do this, especially when it's such a struggle for them, because it reminds me that I can do the things that are hard for me as well.

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Lojong---yeah, right...

Don't vacillate.

Commentary: If you train in awakening compassion only some of the time, it will slow down the process of giving birth to certainty. Wholeheartedly train in keeping your heart and mind open to everyone.

Lojong slogan 53, The Compassion Box, Pema Chodron

[59 Buddhist Teachings on Living Life with Fearlessness and Compassion, translated by the Nalanda Translation Committee, with commentary by Pema Chodron]

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This is a really hard one for me. I vacillate a lot. Sometimes I'm able to stay open to others. Others I just want to shut down, crawl away and indulge my desire to feel angry and build an invisible, impermeable twenty-foot wall around myself.

It's difficult to stay consistently open.

It's difficult to stay consistently loving.

It's difficult to stay consistent.

Talking to my friend the other day, I spoke about how the one thing I felt really good about recently was the way I'd managed my mouth. "I've managed not to say ugly, counterproductive things to the many people around me," I reported.

But then the actual truth hit me and I was forced to add,"...but if one more thing had gone wrong on a couple of those days---if I had, say, bounced a check---it would have all gone to hell immediately and I would have vomited rage everywhere."

My friend just chuckled and said knowingly, "Yeah, I know just what you mean."

And he does (I've seen him do it). That really helps.

But man, vacillation is my middle name.