Lojong---yeah, right...

[sabrinamari]

Don't vacillate.

Commentary: If you train in awakening compassion only some of the time, it will slow down the process of giving birth to certainty. Wholeheartedly train in keeping your heart and mind open to everyone.

Lojong slogan 53, The Compassion Box, Pema Chodron

[59 Buddhist Teachings on Living Life with Fearlessness and Compassion, translated by the Nalanda Translation Committee, with commentary by Pema Chodron]

******

This is a really hard one for me. I vacillate a lot. Sometimes I'm able to stay open to others. Others I just want to shut down, crawl away and indulge my desire to feel angry and build an invisible, impermeable twenty-foot wall around myself.

It's difficult to stay consistently open.

It's difficult to stay consistently loving.

It's difficult to stay consistent.

Talking to my friend the other day, I spoke about how the one thing I felt really good about recently was the way I'd managed my mouth. "I've managed not to say ugly, counterproductive things to the many people around me," I reported.

But then the actual truth hit me and I was forced to add,"...but if one more thing had gone wrong on a couple of those days---if I had, say, bounced a check---it would have all gone to hell immediately and I would have vomited rage everywhere."

My friend just chuckled and said knowingly, "Yeah, I know just what you mean."

And he does (I've seen him do it). That really helps.

But man, vacillation is my middle name.

Comments

[wgseligman.livejournal.com]

You set such a high standard for yourself. From my perspective, what you perceive as "vacillation" I call "being human." People are consistent emotion machines, always responding in the same way to emotional pressures.

It's hard to stay "consistently open" and "consistently loving." These things are hard to do. A weight-lifter may be able to bench press 300 pounds, but that doesn't mean she wants to or is able to do it all the time. She's entitled to rest once in a while.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know. I know.

It's just such a wide range of feelings and responses, and that's difficult to manage.

Some days I'm just like, "Don't even talk to me. Don't even walk past me. Please flourish in great peace and happiness on the other side of the planet."

And the next day it's totally different. The next day I have some courage and I can say, "OK, come on in and sit down. I'll be really present, I'll stay in the moment, listen, speak honestly but gently and do my very best to stay open. Together, we can figure this out."

So I guess Pema would say that whatever your experience is, that's your experience. Some days you can do it and some days you can't. It's a victory to just stay present with whatever is and learn from it.

That's what she would say. So I guess some days I will be in one place and some days I'll be in the other and just seek to accept whichever it is.

[wgseligman.livejournal.com]

I know nothing about Pema, apart from the quotes in your blog. But I'll bet there are times when she says, "I don't feel like making a wise and potent statement today. Now get out of my face."

I'd forgive her for that. I have a hunch you'd forgive her too. So maybe we can forgive Sabrina?

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Laughing...

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

This is an ongoing debate in my household.
Position 1: I should strive for perfection. When I fall short, I should examine the circumstances and learn from them, so that I can do better next time.
Position 2: I should live my life with awareness and presence. When I act in a way that causes pain, I should apologize and make amends, and move on. If it doesn't cause pain, it doesn't need correcting.

So, as encouragement to Sabrina, "if one more thing had gone wrong". One more thing didn't go wrong. You succeeded! Celebrate your success!

You know what else? Maybe if one more thing had gone wrong, you would just barely have held it together. Maybe next week you'll be strong enough that it would take two more things to go wrong before you lost it.

To borrow a concept from AA, you don't have to remain (open and loving) forever--just for the next 15 minutes. You can worry about the 15 minutes after that when it comes. Live in the present. And of course, this is true for whatever you choose in place of (open and loving).

Hey--good job remaining open and loving this week! You had a successful week, hooray for you!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thanks, spiff. This was wisely said.

[bobby1933.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this. I really needed it today. As i just wrote in another comment. I completely failed my test in Mercy 101 today and must go back into remedial compassion.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

We all have these hard days.

Sending you my hug.

[bobby1933.livejournal.com]

Oh, and i stole your post. Please don't get angry.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

You are always welcome to repost. I am honored. Thank you.

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

But then the actual truth hit me and I was forced to add,"...but if one more thing had gone wrong on a couple of those days---if I had, say, bounced a check---it would have all gone to hell immediately and I would have vomited rage everywhere."

It's important to know this- to repeat the_smith_e's favorite Clint Eastwood quote, "A man's gotta know his limitations"- but I wouldn't dwell on it too much. You didn't explode, and to me that is of primary importance.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

: )

[angiedub.livejournal.com]

I was able to call back the credit collection company and apologize to them that I was REALLY angry with my ex-husband for being in the jam that I'm in (financially) and not either them OR the original card company.

And it was because the woman I talked to on the 23rd actually listened to me and sent me a copy of the application I have on file with the card company where my income was more than twice what it is now.

I recognized where the anger ACTUALLY originated. Because I mean, really, who apologizes to people who are collecting info to collect a debt?