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Two new things
Nov. 18th, 2004 11:46 am1. I am on the short list of possible assistant professor candidates at the University of Arizona. I have been asked to come out, meet the department, teach an undergraduate class and give a public lecture.
2. Ken and I spoke this morning and agreed that we really are parting as partners forever, and intend to remain dear friends only, with no thought or possibility of reconciliation for the future. This is more important for me to fully accept and integrate than it is for him. In fact, I need to do it to speed up my healing and my growth. With this shift, my chest pain has diminished from a 9 to a 2-3, and I can feel the overall beneficial changes of it already. I will fully die to my old partnered self and be reborn to a new, open, full of potential single self through the coming year.
Although we made the decision to part on Nov. 6, I still felt ambiguity and I wondered if we could reconcile at some later time. Putting down this hope is an important, and scary, move. But what I need to do now is move towards fear, not away from it.
That means giving Tucson a chance, even though every part of me is screaming that I want to cling to New Jersey and the people that I love here. I will give it a chance amnd consider it as an option. I will not turn away from fear.
If I were offered the job and I took it, I'd need to be in Tucson in early September. That would give me 9 precious months with the community I love.
Or...they could offer it someone else, Or I could say no, and I would be here for another year and nine months at least. Or I could get the Princeton job and be here for three years.
I have to allow all the possibilities to form and as best I can and give them each careful consideration and a good chance.
Ken has pointed out that as a university professor, I could spend 3 months of the year traveling anywhere I choose...New Jersey, Minneapolis, Europe...anywhere. That would be real freedom.
2. Ken and I spoke this morning and agreed that we really are parting as partners forever, and intend to remain dear friends only, with no thought or possibility of reconciliation for the future. This is more important for me to fully accept and integrate than it is for him. In fact, I need to do it to speed up my healing and my growth. With this shift, my chest pain has diminished from a 9 to a 2-3, and I can feel the overall beneficial changes of it already. I will fully die to my old partnered self and be reborn to a new, open, full of potential single self through the coming year.
Although we made the decision to part on Nov. 6, I still felt ambiguity and I wondered if we could reconcile at some later time. Putting down this hope is an important, and scary, move. But what I need to do now is move towards fear, not away from it.
That means giving Tucson a chance, even though every part of me is screaming that I want to cling to New Jersey and the people that I love here. I will give it a chance amnd consider it as an option. I will not turn away from fear.
If I were offered the job and I took it, I'd need to be in Tucson in early September. That would give me 9 precious months with the community I love.
Or...they could offer it someone else, Or I could say no, and I would be here for another year and nine months at least. Or I could get the Princeton job and be here for three years.
I have to allow all the possibilities to form and as best I can and give them each careful consideration and a good chance.
Ken has pointed out that as a university professor, I could spend 3 months of the year traveling anywhere I choose...New Jersey, Minneapolis, Europe...anywhere. That would be real freedom.
