Because I love you (and love myself)

[sabrinamari]

Ten ways to say no respectfully (adapt to your own particular circumstances):

1. That sounds like a really great opportunity, but I just cannot take on any additional commitments at this time.

2. I am not comfortable with that ______________ (situation, talk, group of people involved).

3. I feel overwhelmed by service right now, so I am going to have to decline your generous invitation.

4. I am in the middle of _________________, ____________________, and ____________________, and if I get tenure, I am unable to take on any additional service.

5. I am not the best person for this. Why don't you ask _________________?

6. If you can find a way of eliminating one of my existing service obligations, I will consider your request.

7. I would rather say no to your request than do a halfhearted job on your committee.

8. Right now, I need to focus on my research agenda and publication. When I have tenure, I hope to be able to say yes to requests like this one.

9. I cannot serve on your committee right now. But why don't you ask me again next year?

10. No. (Look the asker in the eye and sit in silence.)

The Black Academic's Guide to Winning Tenure----Without Losing Your Soul, Kerry Ann Rockquemore and Tracy Laszliffy, p. 119

Comments

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

Go you. And, I must get this book, even though I am not currently in academia. I think it makes sense for any "woman in a man's world" scenario. Certainly, for a woman in engineering.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

This book is really useful for writers, academics and people who do with intellectual work in institutional settings. Good also for mentoring.

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

Were you aware that in my Money class, I make the participants practice different ways of saying, "No."?

1. No.
2. It's not a good value.
3. Eh, I don't need it.
4. It's not in the budget.
(pull additional ideas from class, and have everyone repeat them)

The point is to make it feel good to say those things.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Really, really useful! Love actual models, practicing the skills and integrating them into who I am. Go you!

[akrissy.livejournal.com]

Yep!
We all start out as beginners and practice is what raises our competence, be that physical, mental, or spiritual.

[wgseligman.livejournal.com]

I still prefer "The committee's on the roof and it can't get back down."

Getting serious: Does this book discuss how to achieve a balance between saying "no" and not being perceived as dodging commitments? You don't want a tenure committee saying "I don't want to approve Smith; he never seems accept any of the academic work."

On the other hand, at least in research-based physics departments (the only kind with which I'm familiar), the general requirement for tenure is the ability to pull in grant money. Poor teaching skills, abrasive personality, or being unwilling to serve on committees have little to do with it.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

That is a *very* important point!

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

Bill is so -right- here. One is allowed to be a total ass if one brings in big grant money. Wow do I have stories.

[glenmarshall.livejournal.com]

When I turned-down the recent offer to extend my contract for another year, this is what I said:

Having considered the offer, I've decided not to take it.

How would you like me to help with the transition before month-end?

Thanks,
Glen

In this particular case, as is often so, no explanation or easy let-down was required, only a simple response.

[castalusoria.livejournal.com]

Saying "no" is SUCH a big part of boundary-setting (and enforcement), and learning potential responses is a good way for folks who struggle with this to develop some coping mechanisms-- by having contingency plans (statements) in place, for when they're faced with a situation that calls for them.

We know so many people who have trouble with "no," whether they're non-confrontational, or passive-aggressive, or both. Polite, respectful, and compassionate enforcement of boundaries is something that's a really useful topic in our larger world, too!

Thank you for posting this-- I'm going to re-post to try to get it to as many eyeballs as I can!