sabrinamari | one more thing

I know that I am supposed to be managing work and preparing to retreat into the last stages of the diss, but there's one more thing.

There are two women who have had very strong influences on my life. The time during which they were a part of me and my world was a very troubled time that also offered me a great deal of beauty. Both of these women had powerful roles in shaping who I am today, in showing me what I wanted to be and what I did not want to be. I had strong feelings, positive and negative, for both of them.
And for the last ten years the relationship I've had with each of them has been entirely internal. It's been a source of pain and ambivalence in both cases.

But in the past few weeks, since FSG, they have each indirectly crossed my path in unexpected ways, mostly through the mention and influence of others.

To my surprise, I've discovered that the pain and anger I've harbored in my heart when I think about them has largely disappeared. I've discovered that when I imagine them today, I want them to be happy. The thought of their pain is a sad thought, and I do not wish any hard things upon them. I imagine that if I were to see them on the street, my first thought would be to smile inside, and to feel...pleasure...at seeing them. I imagine that I would smile and say hello with a light heart.

This is an amazing discovery. It is good. It brings me relief and peace. It brings a little more balance and rightness to my world. And it is completely unexpected and unexplainable.

Peace.