Trent update

[sabrinamari]

When we received email from two of Trent's teachers last week, we had to decide what to do. I asked Michael to email all of his teachers and pulled us together to talk as a family. I reasoned that we needed to understand the actual scope and depth of the problem before we made any attempts to fix it, both externally (based on feedback from ALL teachers) and internally (getting Trent to share his feelings about what's happening).

We just got an email from the last teacher. The scope of the problem is, indeed, much wider than originally expected. Every teacher is reporting exactly the same problem: failure to turn in homework. Trent did not tell us how wide the problem was, and if we hadn't inquired for ourselves, we would not have known.

So I could either be very discouraged or I could take heart in the understanding that seeing the full extent of the problem gives me the actual freedom to start fixing it.

This appears to be a recurring theme in my life right now. No matter where I look in my personal life, this lesson looms large. From going through Neophyte and Second Degree myself and guiding others through the process many times, I know what will not work. Resisting the lesson will not work. Refusing to look at it because it causes discomfort will not work. Falling into despondency and staying there will not work.

OK. This week I will continue with what does work: feeling whatever I feel, letting it move through me, and then assembling a new mental model of the situation/problem, proposing and testing new possible solutions as I go. Stopping when I get tired, forgiving myself when I relapse into sadness or despondency, then getting up and proceeding forward, testing new solutions and learning from each attempt.

In this particular situation, my next actions are clear: encouraging Michael to write all the teachers back and begin building ongoing collaborative relationships with them all. Talking about the full scope of the problem with Trent and Michael in a non-shaming, non-punitive way. Encouraging us to see it as something we can all tackle together. Continuing to frame it as a loving, collaborative effort we choose to undertake as a family.

I will also listen carefully to what emerges when all of Trent's teachers come together to discuss this (the meeting is not yet scheduled, but it is on the agenda).

Good!

Comments

[arielmn.livejournal.com]

Indeed, very good! I find sitting with emotions to be the most difficult.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Does Trent do his homework? Does he remember to bring it home? Can he find it in his backpack/bookbag/desk? What can he do to remember all of this? What can his teachers do? What can his parents do?

Strategizing and developing habits that he can take to other tasks is a good way to start. Get him to develop a pattern for doing his homeowrk---a routine that NEVER varies so that it becomes ingrained. Then, when faced with another organizational problem, he can connect some of the dots and come up with strategies that will work for that situation, borrowing some of the habits that have become ingrained. It's a long, slow, tortuous process (expect some tears and tantrums!), but it's a necessary one.

He also has to take on a good part of this responsibility so that he learns consequences and really internalizes the process---it doesn't do him a bit of good if the teacher e-mails his homework to you, you give it to him, help him do it, and then put it in his backpack for him. He has to be the one who does the work as well as organizes himself to the point that it gets home and back to school, completed and ready for the teacher.

I send you lots of hugs---this is a life-long process for ADD people, and it gets worse before it gets better. Don't forget to praise Trent for the smallest victory---because that will do bunches for his self-esteem and give him some incentive to keep going. He really wants to please his parents and be less of a problem to his teachers and peers---he just doesn't know how yet. He'll learn. :)

[showingup.livejournal.com]

I'm wondering what resources outside of doctors and school might be useful to Trent. Websites, books, or apps that engage an ADD/ADHD kid while building up emotional resilience and strong, adaptable coping mechanisms? And similar for parents? I know Additude magazine has been around a long time and has a parenting section.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

I tend to not trust websites, apps and the like because they rely on technology that may not be available when it's needed. It also creates a reliance on resources outside the person rather than the person's own inner resources.

Anyone can learn to use an app or a website, but this won't help when the phone is on the fritz, or the power is out and the ADD individual is stuck in limbo because his/her coping mechanisms are gone. Better to develop some strong inner resources without relying on technology at first, and then when these strategies are learned, add in the technology to boost what's already there.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

I was thinking more along the lines of information about the condition and ideas that have worked for others, rather than... I have no idea how a person would rely on tech for ADD/ADHD other than calenders and timers.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

The best information I ever got came from my pediatrician, the behavioral phychiatrist, and the support group CHADD. Each person is different, and requires a different level of treatment.

CHADD was a support group for people with ADD. THey put out lots of pamphlets, had support group meetings---it was good. I'm not sure if they're still around (I imagine that they would be, but in this day and age, who knows?) That would be my first guess at going outside the medical professionals.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Checking how reputable sources are is a non-negotiable, I'd have thought. I know that Additude has a fair few medical doctors and psychologists writing for it, including the therapist who wrote the 'Distraction' books (and has ADHD himself); turns out CHADD has a website, too. It's likely that established, reputable support groups and other reputable organisations will have online presences, as it's an excellent way of a) getting your info disseminated widely, and b) archiving your information, newsletters, etc. And a happy effect of this is that research and other articles can be made more freely available.

Clearly, each person is different, with different personalities, needs, and ability to deal with particular medications, routines, etc. Different doctors, too, have different attitudes; looking online can provide good information on doctors with experience in diagnosis of ADD/ADHD.

I'm really not advocating an anti-medical, trust any old conspiracy-theorist, don't check sources, and rely on tech approach at all :)

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

My other issue with the use of apps and tech for organizational coping (and I see that isn't what the original comment was intending) is that it is really easy for ADD people to get sucked into things - like TV, books, video games, the internet, etc. and lose track of time and themselves. It is hard for everyone, but it is particularly challenging for the ADDers. Using tech is a double edged sword and it likely takes more discipline and impulse control than is fair to ask of a boy.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Definitely! Jason didn't have a TV in his room, or video games in his room, or anytyhing else that could distract and suck him in. He didn't much like that he couldn't have this stuff, but that's just how things went.

I'm sorry to hear that A is having difficulties. This is such a challenge for parents---how to teach them to manage the things that *should* be easy when they can't really comprehend what it is they're supposed to be doing. It sounds as if your experience will help her a lot---I wish you much success. If I can help---even if you just need a shoulder---I'm always here. :)

[eoma-p.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you all, sending love your way. Please make sure to take time for snuggles and fun, even, maybe especially, in the midst of all this hard work.

[lapiswitch.livejournal.com]

We have dealt with the exact same thing with our boy (my stepson) for years now. He has peaks and valleys. We have all of his school notebooks in one big 3-ring binder. It also has a folder for each class in it. He has an assignment book. He goes to homework help after school the two days a week that it is offered. We ask him every night what homework he has. We check regularly on the website (his mom does, I don't have access) to see what his current grades are and what he might be missing.

We've tried the ADD diet, therapy, and cognitive behavior therapy. We got him a punching bag and he walks the dog regularly. We make sure that he has gym class or an after school activity that is physical on the days that are not home work help. We give him diet Mountain Dew in the morning (the caffeine helps without giving him prescription medication plus he gets migraines and this keeps them at bay as well). He have a no sugar and no caffeine rule as bed time approaches because he can't get to sleep most nights.

Setting up a routine, sticking to the routine, reinforcing the routine, and holding him accountable to the routine all helps. Checklists also help.

Good luck! I'd love to see what techniques you all try. We've just started him with a new doctor at the U of Minnesota who has a special program for ADD people. Once we are handed different tools/techniques to try, if you'd like, I can share the info with you.

Meanwhile, if you help him, I'm sure that Trent will make it through school just fine. Our boy is in advanced math, reading well above his grade level, and typically gets As and Bs in school.

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

Do you mind if I ask why you've decided not to use meds? I thought about trying caffeine for my daughter but we never did. We used a variety of approaches and therapies for her for years, including homeschooling her for a year, and started with stimulant meds just before school started this fall. Part of our rationale was that she is an inattentive ADD (not hyperactive) so she looks very compliant and gets very little notice/support/attention at school for getting back on task because they don't notice when she is off task!

So, not judging at all b/c we've gone a long ways to avoid the meds but I'm wondering about your approach and what has brought you to where you are.

[lapiswitch.livejournal.com]

We tried to avoid meds just because we didn't want him on meds every day for the rest of his life. Plus we didn't want to have to try to work through figuring out which meds were right for him during school.

However, we are now ready to try meds -- try anything. We are doing a lot of the work with emailing the teachers, getting them to take late assignments or missing assignments, etc. And he's in 7th grade now. We can't do this forever. He does feel bad and has called himself stupid. The routines definitely help but we are forcing compliance to the routines on him. He needs to have developed his own ways of dealing with things before high school. Otherwise, he's going to fail at high school, perhaps not get an F fail, but it is going to be terrible.

I guess we've kind of run out of options and so we are willing to try meds now. The new doctor has an impressive program of therapy, behavior techniques, and meds to create a well-rounded program that is customized to each family's needs.

[lapiswitch.livejournal.com]

I suppose initially we didn't want to do meds because we thought we could control it through diet. We could literally watch him eat sugar and see the effect that it had on him including not being able to think straight, holding his head because his brain was moving too fast, and often as a small child wanting routines.

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

We watched my daughter struggle with writing in 3rd grade last year and it really hit home that we needed to do something different. I pulled her from school for 2nd grade b/c she was not learning to read. She needed a LOT more time and attention to grasp that complex skill and she ended up getting it down great and reads voraciously now. But I wasn't able or willing to drop my own life and pull her out of school again to teach her writing, and we saw that her life was going to be a string of skills she was going to have to master on her own.

We started the meds a couple of weeks before school started and have raised the dose on her suggestion once since then. We have a long and illustrious family history with ADD so avoiding sugar and artificial colors & flavors was already part of our MO and we had integrated a lot of routines and behavior techniques as well. I don't think anyone expects meds to do it all, they just help prepare the field and the person with ADD still has to tend the crops.

Honestly, I do sometimes have qualms about the pills. She has always had trouble sleeping so when we added the meds, we also added a half tablet (1.25mg) of melatonin which works great to help her fall asleep.

I am a highly functional ADD person now (though I do see how it colors my life still) but it was a huge battle to get here - I was a mediocre student through my BA and learning to study in grad school was so intense it gave me cluster headaches. I engaged in a lot of risky and unproductive behaviors as part of my stress & lack of coping. I am happy to be who I am today but I wouldn't ask my daughter to go through what I went through to get here. That is what I try to think of when I get down about the daily meds.

Good luck with the meds. I hope that they give your son the tools he needs to feel happy and find his way through life!

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

I never had good luck with the "traditional" ADD therapies other than meds. I tried it all--diet, therapy, setting goals, routines...Until I had to put my son on the meds, nothing worked. He was a perverse child---sugar made him sleepy! LOL Medication was a life-saver, it really was. I hope you have good luck with them, as we did.

[glenmarshall.livejournal.com]

Setting aside other, more complex considerations, what does Trent to instead of homework? That is a key to the questions.

[rowanmoon69.livejournal.com]

We are having the exact same issue with both CJ and Michael at the moment. ADD is an issue, but not THE issue which in their case seems to be structuring their priorities. I know there is a large age gap between Trent and my teens, but he seems to be an incredibly smart kid so I can see him understanding the need to prioritize.

For you and Michael as parents, developing an email relationship with his teachers is an excellent move. Make sure that they and he knows that you will be corresponding regularly. I would also check and see if they have a Parent Portal of some type. This is a web based application of sorts were you can log in and not only see things like teh school calendar, but also current grades, homework assignments, and in some cases, some source material for said assignments. We are fortunate that both boys have them in their schools and in CJ's case (much to his chagrin) I can see exactly what class he's supposed to be in and if he's actually in it!

Right now, with Michael, I am going to school T-Th after regular classes are over and sitting in on their after school homework program to ensure not only his attendance but also that he's actually working. In his case the issue tends to be boredom. But he hasn't quite figured out that in order to get to the more challenging and fun stuff, he has to complete what is assigned first.

It's a long process, no easy fix, but we're getting there and I am sure you guys will. You are terrific parents! Hugs!