Lojong for the day: shame and rage

[sabrinamari]

Don't bring things to a painful point.

Commentary: Don't humiliate people.

Lojong slogan 33, The Compassion Box, Pema Chodron

[59 Buddhist Teachings on Living Life with Fearlessness and Compassion, translated by the Nalanda Translation Committee, with commentary by Pema Chodron]

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This makes me think of the shame-rage cycle: the very human pattern of shifting away from painful experiences of shame and/or fear by striking out at another.

It's a pretty common experience. I don't think many of us have escaped it. Some of us---many of us---struggle with it in chronic ways.

It's just so much easier to blame and strike out at someone else than it is to sit with feelings of fear and shame---great inner strength must be developed in order to pull off that kind of choice on a consistent basis.

Personally, I think that breaking the link between shame and rage is one of the most profound pieces of work a human being can do in his or her lifetime. It takes a long-term commitment to do it, as well as tremendous reserves of patience and persistence. It also takes a clear understanding of why it is important.

In my work with Blue Star students, I've focused on building the kind of awareness that makes this transformation possible. I've encouraged Neophytes and Second Degrees to look for the kinds of tools (meditation, reflection, journaling, close mentoring, exposure to important thinkers like Pema Chodron, and other kinds of practice) that make it possible without actually using the shame-rage label.

It became part of what I do because of my first formal experiences with Craft teachers, who had been sent out into the world without the skills or awareness to do this work on their own. The results were terrifying.

Even now, after all these years, I struggle with this when I am very angry. Most of the time, I can manage my worst impulses. But I can't do it all of the time.

Every time I do achieve it, I feel proud.


For what it's worth, this is my opinion: if you manage to refrain from striking out even once when you are shaking with fear and shame, take heart. You have done a brave and powerful thing. You have done great work. The more deeply you have been entrenched in the cycle, the greater your accomplishment in breaking it even once. In that moment, you are worthy of admiration.

Comments

[angiedub.livejournal.com]

Yes. It's something I've come to recognize while at work. I think what bothers me working retail is how much of this sort of thing we're expected to do...well...on an everyday basis. Without training. And when we don't do it, well or at all, it's just labeled "rude" and we're not given any kind of help with finding out how to manage difficult situations better. We're just told to "do it".
I think it's one of the things I like about you, Sabrina, is that you bring up all these great topics that are valuable in any area of life. You are a good teacher.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Angie, I think it's cruel to throw human beings out into the world without any kind of guidance in how to manage their pain. I'm amazed that so many of us have managed to scrape along without it for so long.

You almost have to be exceptional just to figure out that such tools exist and devise a plan for aquiring some.

And thank you. Thank you.

[angiedub.livejournal.com]

I think I've been working on "acquiring" for most of my life, as soon as I "really" realize I have a deficit in some area. It started off with not wanting to "grow old". My paternal grandmother remained interested in whatever was going on around her all her life; my father is the same. To me, neither one of them "grew old"; they just kept/keep growing. Grammy lived to age 83; Dad is 80. They both fostered a love of lifelong learning in me. Song: "I just want to live until I die."

[showingup.livejournal.com]

" I think what bothers me working retail is how much of this sort of thing we're expected to do...well...on an everyday basis. Without training. And when we don't do it, well or at all, it's just labeled "rude" and we're not given any kind of help with finding out how to manage difficult situations better. We're just told to "do it"."

I think this applies to the rest of our lives, too.

Most of us learned the shame-rage cycle from parents/culture who learned it from parents/culture - when I was a kid, my Mum taught me to "count to ten and walk away" from unpleasant scenes, while my Dad taught me to punch and said, "Never start a fight, but always be the one to end it" (knock the other one down and keep them down). And we grow up seeing all those mixed messages all around us: Be the better person and rise above it; stand up for yourself [by lashing out even more destructively than the other guy]; blessed are the peacemakers; it's a dog eat dog world; play nice; don't get mad, get even... No really sensible information about how to resolve conflicts (internal, private, emotional, physical, political) in creative, respectful ways that benefit everyone and lead to solutions that might be entirely unexpected.

It's a really important way of perpetuating personal and social injustice, maintaining a top-down hierarchy by preventing open communication, fostering a culture in which we pick on those more vulnerable/"other" than ourselves to get validation from the top dogs, and blocking us from self-care and self-trust. It keeps us divided and conquered.

Thinking about it, it's the single biggest issue for me in my own behaviour. I've moved from being stiff-knecked, self-righteous and aggressively defensive to being... less so more of the time. And it feels good when I manage to detach and be calm and honest. Achieving the "impossible" makes us mighty.

[angiedub.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think it's all about keeping us "divided and conquered". I'm learning to "put my listening ears on" as one coworker says. Our supervisor often doesn't. When I listen, I often act better because I'm responding and not only reacting. It's a good feeling for sure!

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Go, you!!

I'm reminded of Gandhi's comment that "violence is the weapon of the weak." We're getting stronger :D

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

" Achieving the 'impossible' makes us mighty."

Well said, sister!

[showingup.livejournal.com]

It's a great line. I should sell it to some swanky Hollywood scriptwriter for millions ;)

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

I need to think about the shame part some more.
But I know I react in fear. I've noticed with Will that about the only time I yell (angrily) is in fear, like 'Look both ways!"
At work, too, I get scared, then angry, when work I care about is jeopardized. Sometimes it's an appropriate reaction--people do need to hear that their actions have ramifications. Even as I've been working to interrupt the cycle, I've been called out for making a face when I hear bad news.

Shame. . . I guess isn't part of my daily vocabulary. Which probably means I need to think about *that*.

[bobby1933.livejournal.com]

Jill Bolte Taylor reminds me that the physiological component of any strong emotion is "flushed" from the body in ninety seconds. So "counting to ten" might not help, but counting to ninety might allow a more reasoned response to either shame or rage.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling.

[deboranter.livejournal.com]

okay this is awesome.