About tears

[sabrinamari]

On of the things I've experienced is that it's really hard for people to know what to do around crying. Most of us want to fix whatever's wrong; we want to do something, to make it all better. Maybe that's a good thing when you're dealing with a little kid; I don't know.

But I'm not sure it's the most helpful thing for most adults.

Tears happen for many reasons: sorrow, joy, rage, processing, stress release, wonder. There's not always something to fix. In fact, usually, there's not anything to fix. Most often, tears are not about anything other than the interior world of the person crying, and just the favor of being allowed to express this---without shoving down one's natural responses or having to take care of the other person---is a real gift.

One of the best gifts I was given over the last two years was the chance to weep unreservedly with the full knowledge that I was not frightening, angering or upsetting the person who sat with me. What a rare thing---to be allowed to express without disturbing, upsetting or provoking someone else! What an amazing thing, to be helped by someone who is committed to not being too helpful and who can keep their own feelings out of the process until a bit later.

The most important thing, I think, is not to be afraid. If you can do that, and remember that there's nothing for you to fix, you'll be OK. Just witness. Stay solid. Stay present. Allow. Often, that's the best thing you can do.

Comments

[the-smith-e.livejournal.com]

Agreed. It can be incredibly powerful. I owe a relationship to that.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Many of us do.

[jr0124.livejournal.com]

Being able to sit with intense expressions of feeling is a critical skill. It's not easily learned, but it's critical. Being the solid object and remaining present allows the person experiencing the feelings to know, in some way, that they too will be okay.

I think it's even okay to stay present and solid when children are expressing, although validating the feelings is important, too.

The biggest challenge for me is anger. It's hard for me to bear witness to rage without wanting to jump to fix things or to just duck and cover and extricate myself from the situation.

[the-smith-e.livejournal.com]

Rage is an issue for our society, indeed.

Rage

[ingridsummers.livejournal.com]

Rage was something I was not comfortable with - my own or others. My daughter has been a learning lab for me and I can now sit with it pretty well (even if it's not comfortable). She is a being that feels her feelings deeply and intensly. Rage is a feeling that she channels when other feelings are too overwhelming or painful - less and less often as she's matured. It's a wonderfully and terribly powerful emotion.

Re: Rage

[the-smith-e.livejournal.com]

We have very poor methods for channeling and guiding Rage and keep trying to deny it. If there are issues, I found this book at least somewhat helpful: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572244623

Re: Rage

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

I find rage more difficult than sadness/tears. I am afraid of rage, worried it is going to turn toward me, but that is my baggage, not the problem of the person I am supporting.

Watching and supporting strong emotions was something I learned how to do as a doula - it is hard to translate that into other parts of life.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"Being the solid object and remaining present allows the person experiencing the feelings to know, in some way, that they too will be okay."

Yes.

Rage is really rough!

[tigira.livejournal.com]

It's hard, but it's so important - you're right. Tears are a trigger for my husband. He feels the need to fix things. He's a wonderful "white knight," and sometimes when I cry I need help. Most often, when I cry, what I need is a witness.

I try to do that for F, and manage it with the tears. It's far more difficult with the rage.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

One can, over time, become solid enough to do it with rage, but it's so, so difficult!

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

As a fellow White Knight, I hear this loudly.

I've also been blessed with many listening opportunities this year. I can't think of a skill that has brought more blessings in my life than the times I've been able to listen hard.

[jr0124.livejournal.com]

I'm okay with tears from others - when it's Jean (my partner), I have to fight the desire to fix it or to somehow make it better, and I don't always win the fight. Somehow it's different when it's her and I don't quite understand why.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Being present - it's a gift.

Funny how much the Neophyte training you gave us has been coming back of late, understood at a totally different level. I've been getting the urge to read 'Grace Unfolding' again.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Do you still have it, dear?

I am listening to Kate Bush and remembering when we danced the Maypole to Marvin Gaye. : )

[showingup.livejournal.com]

I have never let go any of the Neophyte reading list.

You know me and books. Especially when it comes to Books Of Useful Information.

[karmawings.livejournal.com]

"It is such a secret place, the land of tears." - The Little Prince

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Such a small, strange little book, and so much wisdom. It was the first book I read to Michael and Trent, so we could share an understanding of what love is.

[zammis.livejournal.com]

Tears literally cleanse the body of toxins. Interrupting them means the person is holding on to something they shouldn't.

Its one of the great privileges of what I do to witness tears. :)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"Tears literally cleanse the body of toxins. Interrupting them means the person is holding on to something they shouldn't.

Its one of the great privileges of what I do to witness tears. :)"

I feel this in my body.

[diekonigin.livejournal.com]

"Give it the safe space to come out" is what we teach coordinators new to facing grieving families who may be sobbing, raging, or otherwise in an altered state. (....with the caveat that it needs to be safe mentally and physically for the coordinator.)

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

Yes.

monsteralice23 has depression. If I hadn't learned this... and to forgive myself for not being able to "fix things"... we would both be much much worse off. I only wish I'd learned it earlier.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

I learned to do this many years ago, when working in nursing homes. There were several husband/wife residents, and when one of them died, I was often the one that sat with the grieving partner. Mostly, it was the despair, the fear at being alone, the sorrow, or the fear at being "next" that found me holding a hand, or just being there to hear the life story of another human being. Often, I would sit with these people long after my shift was over, because I couldn't just leave them while they were in need.

I help people sing their song, whatever the melody might be. I remember that it isn't MY song. I remember that I need to listen to the song, so that I can hear the soul of the person in front of me. I offer my hand, my shoulder, or whatever else is needed at that moment in time, for support and comfort. Sometimes, it even menas that I have to walk away, because the song is too delicate a thing to be witnessed----but the person needs that sacred space in order to sing it, softly, to themselves.

Everyone has a song. Everyone needs to sing their own uniquely beautiful song---some for the world to hear, others for themselves only, just so they can remind themselves of who they are. Tears often accompany the song, but isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I love you.

[eoma-p.livejournal.com]

Very moving sligoe. Thank you!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

This is powerful, Sharon. Thank you.

[angiedub.livejournal.com]

I DON'T have a relationship, due partly to this. He wouldn't even face HIS feelings, let alone deal with mine.

Some of us are passionate, deeply-feeling people. Now that I'm through the depression AND off Prozac, I feel my feelings and am okay with them.

My daughter is helpful and I have some good friends who I don't see often enough...

What I find difficult is that working in retail, we're expected to cope with other people's feelings, but aren't given any REAL training in it. It's all...pacify pacify pacify...so we can get the sale.