second degree

[sabrinamari]

One of the second degrees in my community sometimes posts her thoughts about her experience. These posts are tremendously insightful and always get me thinking. One of the things she says about second (this is the Blue Star second degree, which probably differs significantly from the Gardnerian second degree), is that you learn to stand on your own.

She puts it this way: you learn to be an adult full-time.

I think this is true, and it's a really valuable gift. Usually, it's a gift you curse at roundly while you are in the process of receiving it (because it usually comes wrapped in stress with a big trauma bow). However, it makes all the difference. I've had at least two conversations in the last month in which I've explained that I'm only really attracted to grownups, because the quality of one's experiences with them is so different from what even the most charming and well-meaning youth can give. Still, becoming a grownup is hard work, and there are times when it seems so much easier to just let things go.

This week may prove to be a little bit challenging in that respect: I need to balance all the things that grownups balance and I'm not sure how successful I will be. My household has many needs, my stepson also, and my partner wants and deserves my support as he seeks to transition from one kind of path to another. How to do this while honoring all my commitments at work and in Blue Star? I don't know. I am not at all sure how to pull this off while attending to my own physical, emotional and spiritual needs.

It will be tricky.

It almost always is, in spurts.

But having become a grownup, it's worth the balancing act when I notice all the bait I did not take, all the acting out I did not do and all the love I now enjoy. It's totally worth it, and I don't have to be perfect at it.

That's the most important thing, I think: even grownups do not have to get it perfect. Some messiness is allowed. Doesn't Pema say that life is messy? She's right. And that's OK.

****

And then there are times when it's really, really messy. I thought I had gone through every one of those tiny pockets before doing laundry...

I don't where Trent hid that black crayon, but it left its mark *all over* our clothes.

Still need parenting lessons.

****

I've also just realized that I'm not subscribed to a friend's journal, and when I tried to correct this, I noticed....a December 2010 entry on being a grownup. *That's* a coincidence.

It's an unlocked entry, so it seems to be out there for public consumption [if I've screwed up by linking to this, spiffnolee, please let me know and I'll take the link out].

http://spiffnolee.livejournal.com/14644.html

Comments

[discoiris.livejournal.com]

i found that my process in second was about melding my "different selves" into one productive person that could be all things at once and work at moving forward no matter which of the "me's" was needed. i meshed the mother, girlfriend, boss, daughter, friend, lover, priestess, teacher etc all into one being that was all beings all the time. it was a very interesting process!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I believe it. In some ways, I am still working on this.

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

I remember that integration work as being very challenging. I hadn't thought of it as essential to the act of growing up, but I think you're right. Interesting and useful insight!

[castalusoria.livejournal.com]

You're not connected to me, either. I figured it was an oversight... 'Cause I post about being a grown-up sometimes.

*love*

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Really? I'm not subscribed to you either? Wow, balls dropped and very far under the couch. I will get a long hanger and fish out your journal now. Thanks for the update!

[castalusoria.livejournal.com]

No problem. :)

I had a dream last night that members of the Keeper team was running a different event, and woke up with the tune of the vocal jam we were doing at that dream-event as we set up, in my head.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

How cool.

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

Silly lady, I'm honored you would want to link to something I said.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[windofvenus.livejournal.com]

I can't specifically speak for second degree of Blue Star as I'm not there yet. But, I have often said that being a Wiccan Priestess/Priest does have additional challenges over many other religious leaders. We must balance more than other religious leaders in that many of us have families, jobs, households, spiritual life, and more. Even in tribal cultures the Shaman and Wise Women don't have the same societal expectations put on them. We really must be able to juggle it all. To keep a youthful perspective of curiosity and simple joys is a gift amongst all the responsibilities and balancing of the adult stuff. To also still be able to see the signs around us and stay connected to spirit while managing to do all the mundane stuff can be challenging, but oh so fulfilling. I guess that's why we're on this path.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Well, a big part of the issue is that Pagans can't easily become professional full-time clergy. I've met many who would prefer to do so, and some who have tried, but that almost always leads to living on the edge of poverty, without a cash reserve or health insurance. Catholic priests can live reasonably within the structure of the church and many Protestant ministers also manage well. But for Pagan clergy, such supportive structures do not yet exist.

So it's all about whether to get a day job or develop a strategy for integrating your paid work with your deeper life's missions---while caring for your family. It's hard, and doing it effectively is heroic---to me, anyway.

I always admire Pagan priests who pull this off well. I am working at it and doing OK. I'd love to flourish a little more, though, and will probably turn to that issue soon.

If I could just convince my spiritual community that making peace with money was a worthy and beautiful thing before I die, I'd die happy. Well, if I could do that *and* make sure everyone I love flourishes, I'd be utterly delighted.

[ixtli-awakening.livejournal.com]

I think this is something of an over-generalization of how the clergy process works in other religious communities, especially modern Protestant Christianity. Yes, many churches provide either stipend or housing (usually on church property) for their head minister - whose duties would be the closest analogue to the Third Degree head of a coven in our paradigm. Keep in mind that while many of these head ministers do not have to seek employment outside the church to make ends meet, they probably wouldn't have time, anyway - their responsibilities *are* a full-time job and then some.

During my childhood and teen years, I saw first hand just how busy a minister's life is. My dad was one of our pastor's best friends, and one of the things he (the pastor, whose name, ironically, is George) often lamented was how easy it was for clergy like himself to get so drained by seeing to the spiritual needs of parishioners that they have no time or energy to support their own consistent spiritual growth. Being responsible for a grove of 30 regular-ish attendees who meet at most 3 times in a calendar month, is a different sort of thing from being responsible for a congregation of 200 whom meet at least weekly, and quiet possibly more like thrice weekly.

And frequently, this *is* while raising families. The majority of modern churches do permit their clergy to marry, and have children. I have no idea how to go about getting hard numbers on this, but from my experiences in church culture and later in Pagan culture, I'd guess that it's actually a higher percentage of mainstream clergy with children, that Pagan clergy with children.

Consider also that the housing and stipends described above do not usually extend to youth pastors, children's ministers, full-time prison outreach ministers, or the other specialized clergy persons who have become increasingly common in medium-to-large churches. These specialists, many of whom work as many or more hours, and are as much or more responsible for direct congregant interaction, as the lead minister are almost always employed at least part time outside the church to ensure sufficient income to support their family. These sorts of specialized clergy are often required to pursue additional education through university or private religious schools over the course of their careers, and may eventually seek to head a church of their own. Pretty analogous to the 1st and 2nds of Bluestar, whom we describe as Priests and Priestesses of our tradition, and who do a lot of the work done by more conventional clergy.

My point is that clergy in virtually any culture or religious paradigm face difficulties in juggling the realities of living in a mundane world and needing to face mundane needs, and the task of being responsible for the spiritual growth of their parishioners and themselves. Think of it as the challenges of living with one foot in this world and the other in the spiritual, and that applies to an evangelical pastor or a Lutheran minister just as much as your local High Priestess. Pagan clergy's list of challenges may contain slightly different bullet points, but some of these are directly birthed by the way our traditions operate. The pastor at an evangelical church never has to ask parishioners to give him money directly for toilet paper for his bathroom, because the services are not held in his home, and the toilet paper for the church building is furnished by parishioners tithes and offerings. I don't think I need to get into how difficult the issue of tithes or dues has proven in our own little patch of Paganland.

One place in which the Pagan community does absolutely suck is how it cares for, or in this case, doesn't care for, its clergy as they age. There isn't a pension waiting for Blue Star Thirds, or for Pagan clergy in general, when they reach retirement. (Look to the Bonewitzes - well-respected, much-loved, but when Isaac got sick, they did not have the resources that more conventional clergy, retired or active, would.)

[windofvenus.livejournal.com]

Well, I guess we can all safely say that the grass is probably not greener on the other side of the fence after all.
All those of the Priest/ess-hood enter in with the knowledge that they are in service to their community. It's what we do because we are drawn to do it.
Every religious community has it's positives and negatives. All we can do is work with what we have and try to make things better.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

I've a friend who's a CofE priest. She not only deals with the actual services, but all the pastoral care (on call 24/7, visiting parishioners daily), the youth care, the counselling, the fund raising, the food pantry, the vast amount of diocesan paperwork, co-ordinating the groups that use the church and the volunteer groups and professionals who maintain the building and graveyard, the rites of passage, liaising with the police, hospital and prison chaplains, and seemingly a gazillion other ministries. I have no idea how she fits it all in every day.

Oh, and did I mention that this is in a desperately deprived area where part of her job is doing outreach with people with violent backgrounds, street people, substance abusers, and families in crisis?

And she has a kid with serious disabilities who needs a lot of care.

I think I dodged a fair few bullets, thankyouverymuch.

[(Anonymous)]

I never cease to be amazed how clergy of any stripe manage to find time in the day. Your friend sounds rad.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

You know--being a grownup isn't much more than accepting responsibility for your own life. Now, that's easy to say, but hard sometimes to consciously integrate, and even harder to do. There are days whan all I really want to do is hide under the covers---but then work wouldn't get done. Rehearsals wouldn't happen. Food would not get bought, cooked, or eaten.

Being a grownup is acknowledging that, in fact, the world does NOT revolve around you, and you have to wash dishes and carry water like everyone else. Oh, yes, and carve out some time for just you and your passions. Juggling, indeed---but I know I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it involves an ability to think through issues before acting, and seeking to do what's good for the whole as well as for the individual.

And it's rewarding, too.

I spent so many hours cleaning an doing laundry yesterday that I was going nuts, but then this morning Michael said, "Thank you for making clean socks and shirts and pants a reality, and not just something we dream of". And then small boy threw his arms around me and kissed me, and Michael smiled a smile full of love, and it was all awesome.