Damn, this is an intense month

[sabrinamari]

I think the last month has been one of the most intense phases of growth and change I've seen happen around me for a long, long while. It's impacted me in ways both pleasant and unpleasant; at times it's felt good, even euphoric; at other times, it's felt awful.

Since my return from FoV, I've been especially drawn into the explosive growth trials of the people around me. That's not a bad thing, but I do need to readjust my priorities a little bit. I cleared out my 17 remaining phone messages two days ago, answering most of them---not all of them---only to acquire new ones and shoot back up to 14 new messages a day and a half later. The big problem is this: I didn't call my parents back right away when they called---three times---and of course, they had something really important to tell me.

It looks like my dad's heart is in so-so shape; two of the valves aren't working properly and there's a lesion on his carotid artery. It can be handled by medication right now, but open heart surgery may be necessary down the road. I feel like a total shmuck for not calling them back sooner. And of course, because my relationship with my mom has always been a bit tense, the first call back after such a lapse was difficult.

At least I've learned not to give away my power anymore; although I love her deeply, my mom has taught me a great deal about how to hold on to myself in the presence of a difficult, controlling and overpowering person. These weren't fun lessons, but they have, at least, been useful. I'm very close to my father and I trust him with all my heart; I'm certainly not ready to let go of him. So it's clear that I need to be checking in by phone a couple of times a week and I need to visit them very soon---maybe as soon as Thanksgiving.

I'll look into getting a ticket later today and heading out to see them in Oklahoma over the Thanksgiving holidays. Being home will be both wonderful and challenging. I'll need to remain a grownup despite the pull of all the old family dynamics, and I'll need to retain my agency and autonomy in the face of my mom's tendency to control those around her by making unreasonable demands backed up by tremendous helpings of guilt. It would be best for all of us if I could do this while remaining compassionate towards her and keeping my heart open to everyone in the situation. OK: ready, set, go!

I think one big key to this will be renting a car. I need to be able to retreat if things get rough and I absolutely must be able to parry any attempts to control my movements and/or decision-making by having my own transportation. If things get really bad, I can always skip out and head straight to Oklahoma City, where my dear friend Phyllis is raising her daughter with her partner Dorothy. I'd love to see them both anyway, and I will probably arrange to do so during the course of my visit.

This will also be sure to piss off my mom. Damn, this is going to be interesting.

Comments

[welshbard.livejournal.com]

Big hugs.

Dealing with family can be such a hard lesson in not falling back into old behaviors. I love my Dad dearly, and when my mother passed this June, my brothers set their hatreds aside and all pulled together. This coming holiday season will be very hard on Dad and us all, and I'm sure there will be shenanigans from my brothers.

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

having your own wheels is KEY.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

Will Michael and Trent be joining you? I've found that having my own household around me helps me remember not to fall back to old habits as much.

[wgseligman.livejournal.com]

It's interesting that both of us have to face challenges associated with a parent with a heart problem (my mother, in my case).

While you are spending your Thanksgiving with your family in Oklahoma, I'll be spending my first Thanksgiving with my father in about 15 years. My solution to dealing with that challenge is probably very different from yours: I don't share anything of my personal life with him at all. I believe he thinks I'm gay because I never tell him about any women in my life!

I hope you have a good Thanksgiving with your family, and that your father's health improves.

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

Supportive noises to you and yours.

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

Growth, yeah.

Good luck at home. I hope your father isn't in pain or discomfort, and that simple medication serves him well. Everyone has those painful family dynamics in some way, which is why cars mean freedom to so many people. I can't imagine being in Oklahoma without a car.

I was lucky to be able to make peace with my mother, who also had high expectations and gave lots of guilt, by pushing back honestly. We still struggled, but she was a very gracious person, and once she realized how miserable she made me, and I gave her tips on how not to make me miserable, we got along well. I don't know if that would be any help to you.

As for phone calls, I know from your LJ that this is a constant source of tension for you. You're a fabulous person, and everybody wants your time and attention. You're also very generous with time and attention, and encourage people to want more of you (because you love them!). I hope you figure out what your comfortable limit is, and can find a way to stay within it.

[the-smith-e.livejournal.com]

Hugs, and thanks for that phone call months ago. I didn't know those were hard. :)

[akrissy.livejournal.com]

Yes! Car rental is a small price to pay for sanity moments with challenging family.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Ouch!

That's rough all round. When T's Dad had to have open heart surgery, it was scary as hell. He felt so much better and more energetic after a few weeks; he hadn't realised how much he'd slowed down and tired because his heart wasn't working right. It was a new lease of life for him. Several of his friends found the same - being low-energy had crept up on them, and after surgery they were far more energetic and able to think clearly. If your Dad needs surgery, he may well experience the same sort of benefits.

I imagine your mother will be terribly stressed out right now and seeking to create safety for herself by trying to impose more control over her environment, so having a way to retreat is a really clever move.

How often do you practice getting out of the way of your Integrity [Sovereignty]? When I remember to do a quick practice, it makes a huge difference - to me, and, apparently, the people around me.

I'm happy to keep Skype open on my phone so you can call me any time. Love you much. T sends love.

[glenmarshall.livejournal.com]

The only expectation I had with my mother was that she would not change to suit my preferences. She was an alcoholic and had mental health issues on top of that. My father was her enabler. I had to accept them as they were, but I wish that had been reciprocated. When I think of them now, there is no mourning.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Yep. I get this completely. Do whatever it takes to maintain your sanity withiough giving up your "personhood"---you are her child, but you are no longer a child that needs her to take care of you or tell you what/how/when/where you should do anything. Some parents get that. Some don't, and you just have to be able to smile and nod a bit, and be able to say "no" gently when it's appropriate for you to say it.

Remember that she's scared---just as scared as you are, perhaps more. She has less of life to look forward to, and this is mortality slapping her in the face yet again. And there you are, in all your gorgeousness, still young with lots left to do---sometimes it's just too much to take, and she might try to fall into old parental patterns. It's easy, she doesn't have to think, and it puts her back into the time when she was younger and in control. It's hard, honey---really hard. I send you much love and many hugs, and hopefully, things will be much better than they seem now.

[zammis.livejournal.com]

renting a car= sanity insurance. I have had to do this with my dad for a long time. He hates it, and it makes me feel so much better. The last few times I have not even had to mention it as a behavioral deterrent. ;)

[diekonigin.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Your father is a fortunate man to have you in his life. Just remember that you're there for him, and everyone else's reactions and behaviors are to the situation and not because of you. It's a really hard thing to remember during a family health crisis.

I'm slightly amused that the two of us dislike phone calls and returning messages as much as we seem to.

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

I agree about the rental car thing. Are you staying with them, too?