Narcissists as Boyfriends and Husbands
Jan. 17th, 2005 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabrinamariThis article is the work of Sam Vaknin, an expert on narcissism. His website:
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq_index.html
A link to this article:
From http://www.toddlertime.com/sam/79.htm
The narcissist - especially during a life crisis - loses touch with reality. Defective reality tests appear during therapy and even psychotic micro-episodes, though this is much more common in the Borderline Personality Disorder. Narcissists interpret a (fairly common) mismatch between personalities in an apocalyptic manner. Dependence, a symbiotic interaction is transformed into a series of statements regarding the narcissist's very ability to form relationships.
But through all this, the narcissist needs a collaborative partner. He needs someone to serve as a sounding board, a mirror, a victim, a bitch and a witch. In other words, he needs a polyandric woman.
The narcissist reduces all women to two types: the Monoandric and the Polyandric.
The Monoandric woman is psychologically mature. She is usually also of ripe chronological age and sexually sated. She prefers intimacy and companionship to sexual satisfaction. She is in possession of a mental blueprint, which dictates her short-term goals. She emphasizes compatibility and is predominantly verbal.
The narcissist reacts with fear and repulsion (mixed with rage and the wish to frustrate) to the Monoandric woman. Consciously, though, he realises that intimacy can be created only with this kind of woman.
The Polyandric woman is young (if not chronologically, then at heart). She is still sexually curious and varies her sexual partners. She is not adept at creating intimacy and emotional rapport. Because she is more interested in the accumulation of experiences - her life is not guided by a "master plan", or even by medium-term goals.
The narcissist is aware of the transience of his relationship with the polyandric woman. So, he is attracted to her while being devoured by a fear of being abandoned by her.
The narcissist will, almost always, find himself paired with a polyandric woman. She poses no threat of getting emotionally close to him (=being intimate). The incompatibility between them is so high and the probability of abandonment and rejection so palpable - that intimacy cannot be forged against such a background. Moreover, this consuming fear of being left behind leads to the reconstruction of the primordial Oedipal conflict and to a whole set of transference relations with the woman. This complex inevitably results in the very abandonment so feared. Serious psychological crises follow (narcissistic trauma or injury).
The narcissist knows (or, if less self-conscious, feels) all this. He is not as attracted to the polyandric woman as he is repelled by the monoandric one. The latter threatens him with the two things deemed by him to be worse than abandonment: intimacy and a loss of his uniqueness. She offers to him the possibility to communicate with his very threatening inner world by (her) proxy. She wants him to settle into a moulded form of life common to virtually all humanity: marriage, children, a career...
Yet, narcissists do get married. They do try to have lifetime partners. This is because they distinguish "their" women from all other. There are different requirements to be met by the narcissist's occasional girlfriend (however "permanent") and by the permanent partner (however randomly selected).
The permanent partner (wife, usually) has to satisfy four conditions:
She has to be his companion but on highly unequal terms. She must be submissive and motherly, sufficiently intelligent to admire and admiring enough never to criticise, critical enough to assist him and helpful enough to make a good friend. This equation can never be solved and leads to bouts of frustration and rage staged by the narcissist if any of his demands or expectations goes unheeded.
The narcissist's partner has to share quarters with him. But the latter, with an inflated sense of privacy and what can be best described as spatial paranoia, is very hard to live with. He regards every presence in his space as intrusion. The fragile or non-existent boundaries of his ego force him to define rigid outer boundaries for fear of being annulled.
He enforces his brand of order and his species of behaviour on his entire physical space in the most tyrannical manner.
It is a hybrid, almost transcendental existence led by the narcissist's mate or spouse. There when required by him - absent at all other times. Rarely can she define her own space or impress her personal preferences and tastes upon it.
The narcissist's partner is usually his only sexual partner. Narcissists are normally very loyal because they are mortally afraid of the repercussions if found out cheating. But, being purely Sexual Communicators, they get bored very easily and find it ever more taxing to maintain regular (let alone exciting) sexual relations with the same partner.
They are under-stimulated and for want of alternatives, they develop a vicious frustration-aggression cycle, leading to emotional absence and coldness and to sexual intercourse decreasing in both quality and quantity. This could drive the partner to extramarital sexual (or, even emotional) affairs. It provides the narcissist with the justification that he needed to do the same. However, the narcissist rarely uses this license. Instead he uses the partner's inevitable guilt feelings to deepen his control over her and to place himself in a morally superior position.
Often, the narcissist destabilises the relationship and keeps his partner in constant uncertainty and insecurity by suggesting an open marriage framework, a possible participation in group sex and so on. Alternatively, he constantly alludes to sexual opportunities available to him. This he might do jokingly but he continues to do so despite avid protestations by his partner. By provoking her jealousy, the narcissist believes that he endears himself to her and furthers his control of her.
It is this fear of failure - especially the fear of failing to promote himself - that thwarts the narcissist's relationships with women and with other figures of authority or of import in his life...
It is really the old fear of being abandoned in one of its endless guises. The narcissist envies his deserting partner. He knows how difficult and emotionally wrenching it is to live with him. He realises that his partner will be much better off without him - and this makes him sad (that he was unable to offer her that) and envious (that her lot is likely to be better than his.) Of course, he displaces some of his emotions, blaming his partner, then blaming himself, angry at her and afraid to feel this (forbidden) anger (at his mother's substitute).
The narcissist does not feel sorry because a specific individual - his partner - abandoned him. He feels sorry because he was abandoned. It is the act of abandonment, which matters - the figures (his mother, his partners) are interchangeable. The narcissist always shares his life with a fantasy, an idealisation, with an invented figure forced upon his real life partner. Abandonment is only the rebellion of the real life partner against the invented and compulsively enforced figure, against the humiliation thus suffered - verbal and behavioural.
For the narcissist, to be abandoned means to be judged in his totality. To be deserted means to be deemed not unique (easy to find a substitute to). At its extreme interpretation, it can come to mean the emotional annihilation of the narcissist. He feels that when a woman leaves him she does so because there is no emotional problem to get away from him and never to see him again. There should be no problem to bid farewell to someone who just is not there (at least emotionally). The narcissist feels annulled, rendered transparent, abused, exploited, objectified.
Put differently the narcissist experiences through abandonment (even through the risk of it) a re-enactment of the very mistreatment and abuses, which, earlier in his life, transformed him into the deformed creature that he is. He gets a taste of the medicine (rather poison) that he often ruthlessly administers to others. At the same time he relives his harrowing childhood experiences.
This mirror matrix of forces is too much for the narcissist to bear. He begins to disintegrate and veers into utter and complete dysfunction. He is likely to entertain suicidal ideation.
An encounter with the opposite sex holds mortal risks for the narcissist - more ominous than the risks normally associated with it.
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq_index.html
A link to this article:
From http://www.toddlertime.com/sam/79.htm
The narcissist - especially during a life crisis - loses touch with reality. Defective reality tests appear during therapy and even psychotic micro-episodes, though this is much more common in the Borderline Personality Disorder. Narcissists interpret a (fairly common) mismatch between personalities in an apocalyptic manner. Dependence, a symbiotic interaction is transformed into a series of statements regarding the narcissist's very ability to form relationships.
But through all this, the narcissist needs a collaborative partner. He needs someone to serve as a sounding board, a mirror, a victim, a bitch and a witch. In other words, he needs a polyandric woman.
The narcissist reduces all women to two types: the Monoandric and the Polyandric.
The Monoandric woman is psychologically mature. She is usually also of ripe chronological age and sexually sated. She prefers intimacy and companionship to sexual satisfaction. She is in possession of a mental blueprint, which dictates her short-term goals. She emphasizes compatibility and is predominantly verbal.
The narcissist reacts with fear and repulsion (mixed with rage and the wish to frustrate) to the Monoandric woman. Consciously, though, he realises that intimacy can be created only with this kind of woman.
The Polyandric woman is young (if not chronologically, then at heart). She is still sexually curious and varies her sexual partners. She is not adept at creating intimacy and emotional rapport. Because she is more interested in the accumulation of experiences - her life is not guided by a "master plan", or even by medium-term goals.
The narcissist is aware of the transience of his relationship with the polyandric woman. So, he is attracted to her while being devoured by a fear of being abandoned by her.
The narcissist will, almost always, find himself paired with a polyandric woman. She poses no threat of getting emotionally close to him (=being intimate). The incompatibility between them is so high and the probability of abandonment and rejection so palpable - that intimacy cannot be forged against such a background. Moreover, this consuming fear of being left behind leads to the reconstruction of the primordial Oedipal conflict and to a whole set of transference relations with the woman. This complex inevitably results in the very abandonment so feared. Serious psychological crises follow (narcissistic trauma or injury).
The narcissist knows (or, if less self-conscious, feels) all this. He is not as attracted to the polyandric woman as he is repelled by the monoandric one. The latter threatens him with the two things deemed by him to be worse than abandonment: intimacy and a loss of his uniqueness. She offers to him the possibility to communicate with his very threatening inner world by (her) proxy. She wants him to settle into a moulded form of life common to virtually all humanity: marriage, children, a career...
Yet, narcissists do get married. They do try to have lifetime partners. This is because they distinguish "their" women from all other. There are different requirements to be met by the narcissist's occasional girlfriend (however "permanent") and by the permanent partner (however randomly selected).
The permanent partner (wife, usually) has to satisfy four conditions:
She has to be his companion but on highly unequal terms. She must be submissive and motherly, sufficiently intelligent to admire and admiring enough never to criticise, critical enough to assist him and helpful enough to make a good friend. This equation can never be solved and leads to bouts of frustration and rage staged by the narcissist if any of his demands or expectations goes unheeded.
The narcissist's partner has to share quarters with him. But the latter, with an inflated sense of privacy and what can be best described as spatial paranoia, is very hard to live with. He regards every presence in his space as intrusion. The fragile or non-existent boundaries of his ego force him to define rigid outer boundaries for fear of being annulled.
He enforces his brand of order and his species of behaviour on his entire physical space in the most tyrannical manner.
It is a hybrid, almost transcendental existence led by the narcissist's mate or spouse. There when required by him - absent at all other times. Rarely can she define her own space or impress her personal preferences and tastes upon it.
The narcissist's partner is usually his only sexual partner. Narcissists are normally very loyal because they are mortally afraid of the repercussions if found out cheating. But, being purely Sexual Communicators, they get bored very easily and find it ever more taxing to maintain regular (let alone exciting) sexual relations with the same partner.
They are under-stimulated and for want of alternatives, they develop a vicious frustration-aggression cycle, leading to emotional absence and coldness and to sexual intercourse decreasing in both quality and quantity. This could drive the partner to extramarital sexual (or, even emotional) affairs. It provides the narcissist with the justification that he needed to do the same. However, the narcissist rarely uses this license. Instead he uses the partner's inevitable guilt feelings to deepen his control over her and to place himself in a morally superior position.
Often, the narcissist destabilises the relationship and keeps his partner in constant uncertainty and insecurity by suggesting an open marriage framework, a possible participation in group sex and so on. Alternatively, he constantly alludes to sexual opportunities available to him. This he might do jokingly but he continues to do so despite avid protestations by his partner. By provoking her jealousy, the narcissist believes that he endears himself to her and furthers his control of her.
It is this fear of failure - especially the fear of failing to promote himself - that thwarts the narcissist's relationships with women and with other figures of authority or of import in his life...
It is really the old fear of being abandoned in one of its endless guises. The narcissist envies his deserting partner. He knows how difficult and emotionally wrenching it is to live with him. He realises that his partner will be much better off without him - and this makes him sad (that he was unable to offer her that) and envious (that her lot is likely to be better than his.) Of course, he displaces some of his emotions, blaming his partner, then blaming himself, angry at her and afraid to feel this (forbidden) anger (at his mother's substitute).
The narcissist does not feel sorry because a specific individual - his partner - abandoned him. He feels sorry because he was abandoned. It is the act of abandonment, which matters - the figures (his mother, his partners) are interchangeable. The narcissist always shares his life with a fantasy, an idealisation, with an invented figure forced upon his real life partner. Abandonment is only the rebellion of the real life partner against the invented and compulsively enforced figure, against the humiliation thus suffered - verbal and behavioural.
For the narcissist, to be abandoned means to be judged in his totality. To be deserted means to be deemed not unique (easy to find a substitute to). At its extreme interpretation, it can come to mean the emotional annihilation of the narcissist. He feels that when a woman leaves him she does so because there is no emotional problem to get away from him and never to see him again. There should be no problem to bid farewell to someone who just is not there (at least emotionally). The narcissist feels annulled, rendered transparent, abused, exploited, objectified.
Put differently the narcissist experiences through abandonment (even through the risk of it) a re-enactment of the very mistreatment and abuses, which, earlier in his life, transformed him into the deformed creature that he is. He gets a taste of the medicine (rather poison) that he often ruthlessly administers to others. At the same time he relives his harrowing childhood experiences.
This mirror matrix of forces is too much for the narcissist to bear. He begins to disintegrate and veers into utter and complete dysfunction. He is likely to entertain suicidal ideation.
An encounter with the opposite sex holds mortal risks for the narcissist - more ominous than the risks normally associated with it.
