Not charming.

[sabrinamari]

I am not having a good moment here. This is a time when I should be grateful, relieved and happy. I'm OK, everyone I love is OK, and I should feel good. That would be logical. After all, I manage to feel good most of the time, even when things aren't so rosy.

But right now, I am at a nadir of my charm.

I think I have just crossed some kind of internal balance point and tipped the scale way too far towards doing stuff for others/other orgs/on other people's schedules/for other people's convenience.

In order to get my balance back, I need to re-establish the ratio of what I put out versus what I take in.

I need to take a lot more in than I give out for a short while, then set a better, overall balance of giving-to-taking.

Taking takes practice. It is not easy when you are not used to it, or you have old tapes that say that your primary value to others is in what you give them. Once you stop giving, what in hell will they want you for? Hmmmm. Just noticed that tape hanging out in the background, running its loops. Might want to address that.

One needs to develop the ability to take over time, just as one must develop a tolerance for more joy. Clearly, I am getting the internal message that I need to work on developing this ability. Also the ability to say "no" when I am asked to do things for others, and the ability to not step in and do stuff that other people can do.

I wish Cat were here. She sees me in all my evil and loves me anyway.

OK, better. Will probably behave---*might* behave---with less vileness now that I have written this out. You never can tell, tho.

Maybe tomorrow I will really feel how fortunate I am again. Today, I'm just gonna feel [need a really, really evocative word here and cannot fucking think of it].

Comments

[castalusoria.livejournal.com]

Call no-longer-Princess. See if you need to take a vow like the one he helped padmaclynne take before Beltane?

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Not a bad idea.

Word

[bobby1933.livejournal.com]

"used up?" "emptied out?" (or the word you did use only as a past tense verb?)

Re: Word

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Wow. Yes.

"Used up" is good.

Re: Word

[freyas-fire.livejournal.com]

Drained?

Re: Word

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Yeah - it's all about whether any action/inaction nourishes or depletes.

Re: Word

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

As Rose said, "Sabrina does too many things, and not enough of them are fun".

My Rose is wise.

Re: Word

[showingup.livejournal.com]

She is.

Re: Word

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

"thin, like butter spread over too much bread."

yes. me too.

Re: Word

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

And sometimes it just sucks.
Really! It's true.
I think we all have those days.
As I take baby steps toward actively having other people in my life, I find myself being very firm about certain boundaries. "If I feel xyz, I need to take my pain meds, go in the bedroom, take a book, curl up under the blanket and close the door. If the door is closed, do not poke at the girl under the blanket. This doesn't mean I love you less. It just means that, in this moment, I need the door closed."

[showingup.livejournal.com]

You mean... *GASP* ... HEALTHY BOUNDARIES???!!

Oh, I do struggle with being an adult sometimes! :D

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Oh, I need them...I need to to be around people who know how to set them, so I can learn how to do it, too.

[eoma-p.livejournal.com]

Love you. Always.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I know. I'm lucky in that.

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

Not much useful to add, cuz I know you will find your own way out of this funk w/o my wisdom, but I have to say, I *love* that icon and anyone who can use nadir correctly in a sentence is just plain hawt.

Miss you. Feel better. :-)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

happier hug...

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

It's OK to be evil, and taking instead of giving, and to feel lousy and rotten and mean, all at once. This is not the person that you are, this is just a passing state of mind. So TAKE a hug or twenty from me, and know that I'm thinking about you today. With lots of love.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you, honey.

[mage-imbroglio.livejournal.com]

I would rather be with you at the nadir of your charm than not at all. I have abundance, take what you need. Love you.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I love you, oh awesome man.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

There's also that difference between being selfish and being Self-ish to consider. If we're not Self-ish enough, we might find selfishness kicking in as a way of approximating the fulfillment (full-fillment?) we need - it doesn't really nourish, though it's a good indicator that nourishment is needed.

Note to self: Apply to Self.