Making my place in the world

[sabrinamari]

I spent this long 3-day weekend working hard to remake and recreate my physical and emotional home base in the world. When I moved in on Dec. 3, I had most of the basics of a room and a apartment already in place. Ken and two hired helpers moved my stuff over for me since I was in Tempe. They did an excellent job, but I knew, of course, that I would eventually have to recreate the space to reflect who I was, and that this should happen sooner rather than later so that I could cull/unpack/discard from the remaining unopened boxes of my belongings.

That's what I did this weekend. The planning took longer than that---over the last two weeks I had to draw out some underlying principles of space and form upon which to base my design, and then I had to research them, and then I had to draw some plans.

it was scary. I have not done this in years. Ken always did this for both of us. The results were always beautiful, but they were his, not mine. Or, in some cases, his with some input from me. I was not required to develop this set of skills on my own.

Thus, doing this was frightening and important on many levels. I had to touch everything I owned, look at it, feel what it meant to me, what it said about my past and my life as a married person, and decide whether it had a place in my new life. I had to decide where and how to place everything, how to make a safe space that has maximum potential for supporting and promoting my happiness as a single person. I had to look at old love letters and cards that declared strong feelings of intense love and decide which to spare and which to discard.

It meant reliving many memories, touching many ill-formed, ultimately doomed dreams and feeling intensely a number of painful disappointments. It was also hard work and took many, many hours. I moved everything. I moved not only the contents of my room, but pulled everything out of the largest closet, looked through it all, and decided what to keep out and what to store once again. I purchased and put together a small desk by myself. I assembled my computer system in a preliminary way. I cried alot. I felt a great deal of pain. But it's right, appropriate and ultimately, good. In a year I will be grateful for this experience and glad that I made these choices, even though I had hoped never to make them. But I accept my world as it is, and I believe that it is right and good, even if it is difficult right now.

I had a bad headache last night and through most of today and I feared it would wipe out my whole day, but it has receded. Although I'm not at my best and I clearly still need isolation and rest, I look behind me, at my beautiful, personal, private space, and see that it is good. It is beautiful. I have done well. It expresses what I want for myself and it is gently harmonious. Peace.

Comments

[tigira.livejournal.com]

Recreating a space for yourself is not easy. You're doing the most difficult tasks with such a great attitude, I applaud and support you in your undertaking here...

Wow. Just wow.
You're amazing, in many ways.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

I just bought my house---signed the mortgage on Thursday, and am planning to do the same thing. It's time to make it ALL my own---I started back in October by buying new bedroom furniture. New mattresses, headboard, footboard, dresser, mirror, nightstand---new linens and bedding....I just wish it would be delivered! But I also started moving bookcases around, re-organizing all sorts of things, and while I put all of my seasonal decorations away, I will be clearing out all kinds of closets and getting rid of lots of things that no longer matter to me. It is hard work---I've already cried through a lot of it and know that I will cry more---but when it's done, it will be over and I can take another step forward. You will be able to do the same, I know. We just keep moving forward, looking for the next challenge and the next step forward.

Many warm hugs in this cold weather!

[cernunnos1956.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

[sidhne.livejournal.com]

This sounds really healthy to me. I admire your ability to take this next step.

Le beannachd.

[citabria]

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

[skyefyr.livejournal.com]

{{{{{Hugs for Sabrina}}}}}

Can't wait to see your new space!!!

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

so cool. good for you. i know this will be good space for you.

[oakleaves.livejournal.com]

You are doing so incredibly well. Take each step slowly, remember to stop and just breathe when you need to, and know that there are many people (myself definitely included) who are here for you.

There will be days when just getting up in the morning is Achievement Enough. And there will be days when you can and will take a look at your things and gradually, carefully, consciously, rebuild/restructure/recreate/reincarnate your life and world.

Keep doing what you're doing. And remember that there are people in Toronto who would love to have you over if and when you'd like to escape for a while.

[amber-phoenix.livejournal.com]

you are an inspiration

[methastra.livejournal.com]

> touching many ill-formed, ultimately doomed dreams and feeling intensely a number of painful disappointments.

I am feeling compelled to point out that dreams, and in fact all forms of Hope are not destinations, they are motive forces.

They are something that keeps you moving when you would otherwise stop.

The fading of a particular hope or the recognition of a particular dream as no longer applicable is not the "death" of anything, it is simply the expression that that directional/motive/motivational force is no longer needed in your life for whatever reason.

There is no inherent "badness" to it, other than our human nature to want to keep all that we posess, however emphemerally it may be or however intangible the "possession" is.

The little voices in my head now sated, I'm quite proud of you and how you're dealing with all this, tough as it may be, tougher still it may be sharing the details with all us others.

Blessed Be,

- Brian G.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, I have to think about that. To me, these dreams "feel" like they have weight, substance and even---personality. They feel like entities that I have become attached to, rather than simply forces.

thank you for your praise. it helps. sometimes I think I am doing quite well; at other times I feel as though I am a bundle of painful nerves. sometimes both. This is probably normal, but I'm getting tired of it. : )

[methastra.livejournal.com]

Is the weight, substance or personality of it intrinsic to the dream/hope itself, or is it psychic baggage you've heaped onto the concept within your own head?

(Not sure where I'm going with this, just going...)

- Brian

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Good question. I'm not sure.