Balance

[sabrinamari]

I haven't done a thoughtful, wandering blog post in awhile, so perhaps I'll do one today.

I'm in a period of extreme growth: in every part of my life, I'm exploring, trying new things, and reaching out for more of what I want. It's heady and exciting and scary and very, very brain-consuming.

When I'm in the middle of something relatively new, I can't really analyze it: it takes up all my attention to simply experience it, and all my focus is on feeling and exploring what's unfolding around me. Later, I begin to ask myself---and others---questions about what's happening and what it all means to me.

So much newness means that I'm spending even more time than usual thinking. And that's great---I know I can't learn if I'm not reflecting deeply.

But it's also a challenge to get everyday things done while my brain is whirring away trying to create new models of the world around me.

The laundry still has to get done and folded; the bedroom still has to be picked up. And just because I'm maintaining a weight that makes me happy and feels healthy doesn't mean I can skip workouts. I still need to remember to avoid sugar so my body doesn't rebel, and I still have to give my work and community the attention they deserve.

I'm used to being very career-focused, or maybe, it's more like this: there are so many things I want to do and accomplish in the world that I usually spend a lot of time working on a revolving plate of projects. But if I want to grow---if I really want to invest in my present and future happiness---I must set aside some of those behaviors and just give myself time to grow into the new person I'm becoming. This means I need to do fewer of the things that move my projects forward in the world and more simple cogitation and model-building.

Balance: that's what I'm reaching for. And I'm not looking for a return to an older, familiar balance, either. This has to be a new kind of balance: a new ratio of activities to thought, a new range of choices I can make, and a new kaleidoscope of activities that fit who I am now and who I am quickly becoming.



EDIT: I've just realized that part of what makes this challenging---in a good way---is that I can't seem to compartmentalize as I think things through. Last week, Stephanie and I were talking, and she pointed out that men are generally better at compartmentalizing their thoughts and their lives, so they can focus on one thing at a time. She's good at this, too, and it makes things easier for her in important ways.

Gods, how I admire this ability! To be able to focus on one thing, do it immediately, and be done with it sounds like heaven. To make decisions quickly and forthrightly, and to be direct in thought and mind---gods how I love this in other people.

For me, everything is connected to everything else. An insight about Buddhism might lead me to rethink my understanding of poly, or a realization in one part of my life might push me to build a new model someplace else entirely. In many ways, this is good. As my beautiful mage_imbroglio said to me, "You are the opposite of compartmentalization---you are more like the Universe, in which everything is connected." It's good for wisdom, but hard on getting things done quickly, clearly and effectively.

There's this tremendous mess
Of waves all over in space
Which is the light bouncing around the room
And going from one thing to the other
And it's all really there---really, really there,
But you gotta stop and think about it
About the complexity to really get the pleasure.

We Are All Connected, Symphony of Science

I probably can't change this, nor would I really want to: one's gifts are always intertwined very closely with one's flaws/challenges. To reject one is often to lose sight of the other.

I guess I'll simply settle for noticing what's happening and learning from those who are different.

Comments

[serbrew.livejournal.com]

Castalusoria is VERY good at compartmentalization. This is a necessity for her based upon her lifestyle and her employer (yes, being vague on purpose here). There are some definite advantages, but also some definite disadvantages.

In the world of Poly, you sometimes have to be careful what you say to one partner about another partner, for example, so it is best to compartmentalize those relationships. Then only answer questions if they are brought up.

Just my observations and learnings! :D

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I think this is a good observation. It also makes sense to me from the perspective of trust. If a lover can keep confidences about his other partner(s), he can probably also keep yours. I think it makes sense to trust those who demonstrate that they can treat everyone they love with respect, kindness and consideration.

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

Champion compartmentalizer here.
Who envies your ability to LOVE everything.
Don't have that.
Interested in watching your process.

hi

[papabear008.livejournal.com]

I would say MM is a little right on this and wrong,in poly some times you have to tell them so they understand why you with the other person! you do not have to go in to detail but telling them why help them.
and they reson some men get thing done so fast is becuse we will for get what the women told us to do!! so its easyer just to do it and then not have to worry about it!

MY wife tells me it monday or thrusday so i can take out trash! then she tells me to cook or do dish do you think i want to remaber this!!

[rowanmoon69.livejournal.com]

The way men and women handle certain things goes way back to the cave man days. Women had many roles and thus had to multitask. It's not easy to focus on just one thing at a time when you have a crying baby that wants nursing, a pot on the fire that needs stiring, and baskets that need weaving. Men had only one main duty: bring home food. That was simple. Man go out, man stalk beast, man hit beast with heavy club, man drag beast home to cave. Ug. Mongo do good. Mongo sleep now. Their other man role was to protect the cave which they did when they weren't out stalking supper.

This is still pretty true today. Take shoe shopping for instance. Women go out in a pack, and not only do they shop for shoes, but they also check out the summer dresses, kids clothes, pants for him, and pick up the groceries on the way home. Men go to store, stalk shoes, club shoes with heavy club, tie shoes to bumper, take shoes back to cave.

One task at a time only one thing to focus on at a time. :)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Well, actually, as an anthropologist, I have to tell you that it's more complicated than that.

There are commonalities in gender roles across cultures, but there are also some really interesting variations, both within and between cultural settings.

And actually, we don't have any way of knowing what prehistoric gender roles were like; we're just trying to interpret the traces that ancient people left through archaeological remains, middens, and cave art. And some people are comfortable making bigger inferences than others.

I don't mean to be rude and you might be right. But we just don't have clear, surviving evidence about gender roles from preliterate, prehistoric cultures. The best we can do is to try to infer backwards from surviving aboriginal cultures, and that can be pretty tricky.

Another thing: popular culture does a pretty awful job of characterizing preliterate, prehistoric culture. There is a great deal to suggest that caves were rarely used as living quarters, and we have no reason to believe that ancient people were stupider or less flexible than we are today: after all, the ancients had fully modern human brains.

Do you remember the Iceman?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ötzi_the_Iceman

When his body was discovered, popular news magazines went on and on about the tattoos discovered on his body and the sophistication of his clothes and weapons.

Reading this stuff, I kept asking myself, 'Just because he was from a preliterate culture, do they think that he and his people were stupid? I mean, come on---humans are inventive, creative and quite brilliant by nature. This guy and his people had modern brains, so what, really, is the surprise here?"

Again, I don't mean to be rude, my dear. I just think it's horribly unfair that the popular media foists off such inaccurate stereotypes about our ancestors onto smart, unsuspecting people.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

OK, honey, please be patient with my rant. I am kinda sensitive to stereotypes of cave men. Know that I love you, and I think you are wonderful and smart.