sabrinamari | Thoughtful Sex Post: Not explicit, but bold (don't click if you might be offended)

Last night I felt inspired to reach out to my beautiful man and really explore his body. Yes, he was sick, and yes, I was too, but in those rare relationships in which I'm inspired to express my passion, it's hard to resist, even when it's a good idea.

What was especially good about it was the way I took the initiative to play and began to ask him to tell me exactly what he liked and what he was feeling:

"Like this?"

"Yes...no, slow down...firmer..yes, just like that."

"Tell me when to shift..."

"Speed up, like this...more...Just like this."

There have been few relationships in my life that have offered me this kind of direct guidance, and even fewer in which my lover has had the patience required to help me slow the beat of my little rabbit heart and allow me to try again and again until I...we...get it just right.

The pleasure this affords me is immense, and still relatively new. Only safety in heart and mind allows it to blossom. Only patience and calm can call it forth. But I love what these experiences have to offer me.

****

Lying in the bathtub this morning I talked with

mage_imbroglio about how much I enjoyed our evening.

He smiled and said, "You need to become a creature of divine pleasure."

Suddenly, the world stopped.

In an endless moment that stretched out into eternity, I heard this as the profound truth it was.

"Yes. That's exactly right".

"I meant," he grinned, "you need to give pleasure..."

"I know," I said. "Because it's my birthright. It's everyone's birthright, to give and receive divine pleasure."

****

And now I am thinking, why don't I filter these posts? So many of my friends use Livejournal, and the vast majority have the good sense to lock them to friends only, or to filter intensely personal posts like these so they aren't visible to the casual reader.

It's like this: for me, being as open as I can stand to be about myself brings balance to my world. The people I admire and seek to emulate are those who can easily do what I find so difficult: they speak directly, but with affection; they have the courage to come out and say just just what they are thinking in vulnerable moments. They have the ability to stay put during difficult conversations or when confronted with scary things. They reach out and connect instead of thinking about connecting often---like I do---but doing so quite rarely.

I want to be like that as much as I can.

I want to cultivate the things that make me less reserved, less frightened, and less apt to slip away.

I want to bring balance to my world.

But even in this, I hedge. Disabling comments makes it a tiny bit safer.

That's OK. Bit by bit I move ahead.