Odd

[sabrinamari]

Last night I noticed that I was distracted, disconnected and not altogether here. At first I thought it was a work-related feeling, but as the night wore on, I realized that wasn't so. It was more like discontent: a feeling that everything and everyone around me was operating in a deep, tedious and very familiar rut---including me. Nothing I could think of doing or experiencing seemed enticing. I felt...deeply disconnected.

It took me awhile to get a handle on this feeling because it's so rare that I experience it. I'm usually engaged, enthused and involved in something or another. I can't even remember having had this feeling before, although surely, I must have encountered it.

When I finally figured it out and got over my initial surprise, I immediately labeled it as a problem.

But then my Buddhist training took over, and I got curious about it. "What is this?" I thought, "and why am I so quick to judge it and try to get rid of it?" Then it occurred to me that since I almost never feel this way, it's a good opportunity to explore something new, from the inside.

This morning I remembered something else: "You don't have to believe everything you think". This is one of my favorite sayings. I use it to check 'drama queen mind' and keep my internal agida in check.

So right now, I'm maintaining a curious and open attitude about it, tinged with a little bit of skepticism. I'm sure I can learn from this, whatever it is, but I'm not planning to believe in it, at least not for now.

And, of course, now that I'm actually interested in learning from it, I can feel it shifting into something else, something less...dark.

Damn. Human minds are just infuriating.

Comments

[rowanmoon69.livejournal.com]

Aren't they though? I like that line "you don't have to believe what you think". I think I might put that up on the mirror in my bathroom. What is an "agida"?

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Agida is an Italian word for tension-stress and internal drama. At least, that's how I've heard it used.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Sounds intriguing.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I need some deep talk with little to no judgement and a sense of calm curiosity. You are a master of this approach. When are you free?

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

How in the hell are you not on my friend's list? How did that happen?? All this time I thought you weren't posting, but no, somehow I still have you friended as vgnwtch and not as showingup.

Stupefied and shaking my head...

Since this is how I keep up and communicate with 90% of the people I love, I'll set aside some time to go back and read your last 2-3 months of posts. Please note that my silence over the last...forever or so...has been due to oversight and stupidity rather than indifference or lack of interest.

I cannot believe how ridiculous this is.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

It's only LJ :) I'm still here, you're still there, we're still mates, and we both have Skype.

I will be hitting a volunteer gig tomorrow afternoon - see how much typing I can do. I'll be home from 12noon your time. Saturday's pretty much free. Sunday's possibly taken up - it's 'Being Human' Sunday night, so we may be over at my sister's for the afternoon and evening. I'll see her in the morning, so I'll let you know :)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

So, 'mates' means 'buddies' in Brit?

grinning...

Saturday sounds good. Do you care what time?

[showingup.livejournal.com]

So, 'mates' means 'buddies' in Brit?


Clearly, we need to spend more time talking - your English is getting rusty!

the bear's mouth

[tracyandrook.livejournal.com]

All i can think is that deep, tedious and familiar ruts are endemic to this time of year. I have been feeling it myself, and calling it "the tired old world". One wonders if it will ever end, then it's almost too much to stand, then spring comes.