Writer's Block: Do you want to know a secret?

[sabrinamari]

[Error: unknown template qotd]

For me, that's not the interesting question.

The interesting question is this one: "How would personal relationships change if people didn't have to try? Would they change---for the better---if we learned to tell/show each other what we were really experiencing?"

Yes.

Comments

[wgseligman.livejournal.com]

Perhaps what the question really meant was, "How do you find the boundary between what to share in a relationship?"

One can imagine a spectrum. On one end, everyone shares everything, down to the innermost secrets of one's soul. On the other end, it's purely physical and there's no emotional intimacy at all. I imagine that every relationship has to find its balance along that spectrum, but how to find it? Or do you feel there's always an opportunity for a relationship to progress to the more open end of that spectrum? (Or is my analogy totally false?)

In writing the above paragraph, I'm reminded of Stanley Kubrick's movie "Eyes Wide Shut". The story is pushed forward by a couple's inability to accept each other's fantasies, even though they never physically broke their relationship promises.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, crytolos, I'm trying to think of a way to answer this question intelligently, but I think I just have to shrug my shoulders and say that I don't know.

In this area, I don't have a whole lot of experience. Before I met Michael (for the second time) I was in a very conventional 15-year marriage. In terms of intense erotic-loving relationships, I can draw on a sample of two, maybe three and I don't feel very sure of myself.

This sounds like a good question for the ten zillion highly experienced poly folk whom we both know and love. But I'm at the very beginnings of my own exploration and understanding of intense erotic relationships.

[onyxtwilight.livejournal.com]

I'm finding it interesting that people's responses to this one are very, very colored by exactly how they choose to interpret "read minds." Speculative Fiction has, over the course of a century or so, given us literally HUNDREDS of different visions of how telepathy might work, and every different paradigm has very, very different implications for personal relationships.

Me, I'm inclined in the direction of Spider Robinson's Callahan novels. The third of that series, Callahan's Secret, contains one of the most delightful descriptions of telepathic gestalt among a large group of people I've ever read. Sadly, it's much too long to fit in an LJ comment, and also it would be very spoilery, and I really, really recommend that book, and I wouldn't spoil it for all the world.

But, near the very end is a shorter bit, that I don't think gives away TOO much plotline, and I will quote it here:

"How do you learn to be a telepath, Jake?" Marty Matthias asked.

"Hell, Marty, Callahan's been training us for years! Now we've got to start figuring it out for ourselves, that's all. To approach telepathy, you start with empathy and crank that up as high as you can. You care about each other. You feel each other's joy and pain. You make each other laugh, and help each other cry. You work hard at trusting each other, so that it's safe to dismantle the fortress around your ego. You forgive each other anything that stands between you, and try to bring out each other's best, you work very hard at hosing all the bullshit out of your head so that it's clean enough for guests, silencing all the demons in your subconscious so that it's quiet enough to hear somebody thinking at you, and most of all you find ways to make that work so much fun that you keep on working. You stick together and love each other and keep growing."

In other words: exactly what we're trying to do with FOV, and what at least some covens are striving for, and I'm sure there are other relevant examples, but those are the ones I have. :-)

[(Anonymous)]

I love this, and as I read it, I also thought that this is exactly what we're building through FoV. I fact, I'm going to print it out and stick it on the "Cauldron" poster we created together at the last Keeper's retreat, which is currently taped up on the wall just above my bed.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Drat, that anonymous comment was me. Sorry!

[showingup.livejournal.com]

I'm finding it interesting that people's responses to this one are very, very colored by exactly how they choose to interpret "read minds."

Yeah - my immediate reaction to the question when I saw it was, "What the hell do they mean by 'read minds'? That could mean almost ANYTHING!"

[eoma-p.livejournal.com]

Do personal relationships only occur when there's a physical relationship? I find that a rather impoverished view. I have very close friendships with no erotic component that I'm aware of.

I also think that part of what makes personal relationships so valuable is not knowing everything about a person. After 25 years together, Ed still surprises me. I like that.

[(Anonymous)]

Peggy, no of course not! I think my response to crytolos was shaped mostly by two things: his example of "Eyes Wide Shut" and my work with Venus over the past two weeks. Of course, personal relationships encompass a wide range of crunchy goodness that bring much joy.

And I agree that not knowing everything about a person---friend or lover---is very enticing. I love the process of discovery, especially when they share unexpected nuances of personality, unimagined skills or as-unyet revealed courage or tenderness.

Surprise is good.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

That was me, of course. I wonder what's up with my automatic log in settings?

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thinking about this more, I have to say that there's an important balance to strike between knowing and not knowing friends and partners.

You have to know enough---or at least I do---to feel a little bit comfortable before sharing too much of yourself. It's important to have a sense of a person, to at least have the feeling that they care about your well-being a little bit, so that if something goes awry, you can say to yourself, "They didn't actually mean to strike out at me/hurt my feelings; I'll come back to this later and try and work it out".

If you don't know anything about another person, it's not worth the risk of sharing yourself.