Family and changes for the better
Jan. 3rd, 2007 11:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabrinamariI'm back from visiting home. I've read my email but still need to answer it.
Family, Craft and Birth:
The end of this year has been so sad. There have been good things, wonderful things---and I am very happy and grateful to be in my home with Michael and Trent, and to be surrounded by so many people whom I love dearly. But honestly, I'm sad alot. Being with Geo in December was a priviledge and an honor, and it helped to ease/resolve the anger I felt towards him for persisting in smoking and for dying. If I hadn't had that opportunity, I would be struggling alot more now. But I am still so sad.
I saw Catpaw last night, and L and R, and it was good. We had a wonderful time looking at photos, and talking, and we got good work done on wrapping up memorial service/funerary matters. It was useful and necessary. I felt so glad to be there, and to be enjoying my friends, while at the same time being very quietly sad.
While I was home I noted how sad my dad is alot of the time, and how much pain his relationship with my mom causes him on a daily basis. He smokes like a chimney to cope with his sadness. He smokes alot. I had almost no success in bringing him any happiness or peace during my visit. I felt impotent to intervene in the slow-moving mess that I saw in my parent's marriage. And everywhere I looked in the house, I found myself saying, I will have to do this after my dad dies; I will have to figure out how to deal with that after they both die. It was almost as if I had to force myself to be in the present with my mom and dad, their disappointments, and their acrid clouds of smoke.
Yet, there were moments of happiness, periods of pleasure. We got to talk alone a few times. It was worth it.
Changes
I'm working on how to create my new life as a healthier, more disciplined writer. I'm exercising again. I'm sleeping seven and a half hours a night. I'm trying to solve my own problems instead of poking my nose into everyone else's. I have some new boundaries:
I don't answer phone calls while I'm working anymore. I work from 9-5. I will return calls briefly during lunch or on my drive home.
I exercise first, and then I write in the morning and early afternoon. Lesser tasks go into the mid and late afternoon.
I don't drive at night during the winter unless it's for a scheduled circle or it's really important. If you want to see me, plan to come to me or wait until late spring.
I don't do things for people that they can and should do for themselves. Enabling doesn't help them or me. It encourages learned helplessness on their part and distracts me from solving my own problems: it's bad for both of us. When I have time I will try to extend limited help that supports people's own efforts to resolve issues.
No more than one scheduled activity a weeknight during the winter. I don't function well during the dark cold months, especially at night, and I need to shift into self-preservation mode during that time.
My goals for this year:
To finish my book by May. This is scary. I will have to move everything but my health and family back behind this goal.
To fully fund my retirement vehicles and save serious money this year, and every year thereafter. I'm an academic in my early 40s without decent retirement money. No one is going to come in and fund my maturity for me---I need to do that myself, and I want to do it myself.
And first and foremost: To maintain my health: watching Geo made it very clear why this matters so very much. Anything that gets in the way of sleeping enough, getting up early enough to exercise and eating well gets barred from my life. I want to fully enjoy the life I have right now. And I understand clearly that when your health plummets, the health, happiness and wellbeing of EVERYONE ELSE who loves you takes a nose dive. And that's a grave injustice.
Family, Craft and Birth:
The end of this year has been so sad. There have been good things, wonderful things---and I am very happy and grateful to be in my home with Michael and Trent, and to be surrounded by so many people whom I love dearly. But honestly, I'm sad alot. Being with Geo in December was a priviledge and an honor, and it helped to ease/resolve the anger I felt towards him for persisting in smoking and for dying. If I hadn't had that opportunity, I would be struggling alot more now. But I am still so sad.
I saw Catpaw last night, and L and R, and it was good. We had a wonderful time looking at photos, and talking, and we got good work done on wrapping up memorial service/funerary matters. It was useful and necessary. I felt so glad to be there, and to be enjoying my friends, while at the same time being very quietly sad.
While I was home I noted how sad my dad is alot of the time, and how much pain his relationship with my mom causes him on a daily basis. He smokes like a chimney to cope with his sadness. He smokes alot. I had almost no success in bringing him any happiness or peace during my visit. I felt impotent to intervene in the slow-moving mess that I saw in my parent's marriage. And everywhere I looked in the house, I found myself saying, I will have to do this after my dad dies; I will have to figure out how to deal with that after they both die. It was almost as if I had to force myself to be in the present with my mom and dad, their disappointments, and their acrid clouds of smoke.
Yet, there were moments of happiness, periods of pleasure. We got to talk alone a few times. It was worth it.
Changes
I'm working on how to create my new life as a healthier, more disciplined writer. I'm exercising again. I'm sleeping seven and a half hours a night. I'm trying to solve my own problems instead of poking my nose into everyone else's. I have some new boundaries:
I don't answer phone calls while I'm working anymore. I work from 9-5. I will return calls briefly during lunch or on my drive home.
I exercise first, and then I write in the morning and early afternoon. Lesser tasks go into the mid and late afternoon.
I don't drive at night during the winter unless it's for a scheduled circle or it's really important. If you want to see me, plan to come to me or wait until late spring.
I don't do things for people that they can and should do for themselves. Enabling doesn't help them or me. It encourages learned helplessness on their part and distracts me from solving my own problems: it's bad for both of us. When I have time I will try to extend limited help that supports people's own efforts to resolve issues.
No more than one scheduled activity a weeknight during the winter. I don't function well during the dark cold months, especially at night, and I need to shift into self-preservation mode during that time.
My goals for this year:
To finish my book by May. This is scary. I will have to move everything but my health and family back behind this goal.
To fully fund my retirement vehicles and save serious money this year, and every year thereafter. I'm an academic in my early 40s without decent retirement money. No one is going to come in and fund my maturity for me---I need to do that myself, and I want to do it myself.
And first and foremost: To maintain my health: watching Geo made it very clear why this matters so very much. Anything that gets in the way of sleeping enough, getting up early enough to exercise and eating well gets barred from my life. I want to fully enjoy the life I have right now. And I understand clearly that when your health plummets, the health, happiness and wellbeing of EVERYONE ELSE who loves you takes a nose dive. And that's a grave injustice.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
I understand that helpless feeling. I get it alot around the kids. But there's only so much one can do. And you're right, you constantly have to drag yourself back to the present and hopefully they'll come too. If not, take the little joys and file the worries for when you can work on them.
I really appreciate your resolutions. You've always been there fore EVERYONE else. I'm glad you're defiining healthy priorities. Please re read the 7 Habits book. It'll help affirm and define the work your doing now.
On another note, if ya have the time, come hange with me at the Motorcycle show on 1/20. Sit on bikes, try on gear, and generally enjoy some very enthusiastic company. No purchase necessary!!!
Love ya
Dove
no subject
Date: 2007-01-03 06:09 pm (UTC)Is there a local motorcycle show here in NJ on the 20th?
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Date: 2007-01-03 07:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-03 05:58 pm (UTC)It is an awesome realization that you matter first! Anyway that I can help actualize this realization let me do so, please.
It sounds like you are making some hard choices in order to take care of yourself. This is a good and right thing to do. It is also a hard thing to do when you are used to providing everyone else's emotional support.
Since I don't often get to circle with you, and it's hard for me to visit you during the dark winter as well, may I ask that we maintain a correspondence until Spring?
And, FYI there is an impending
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Date: 2007-01-03 06:06 pm (UTC)I'd love to correspond through the winter.
I do want to be included in planning for Onyxtwilight's visit and hog some of his time. Yay!
I would like to (finally) get my full 3rd degree tat with Gordon on Sunday the 14th, and Michael would like to get one as well on that same day. We will rotate child care for Rowan and Trent with Cat at Turtle Hill. Can you reserve our space/time for that day as Body Mod Coordinator?
Thanks, honey.
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Date: 2007-01-03 10:08 pm (UTC)See my comment to L below.
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Date: 2007-01-03 06:08 pm (UTC)The way I've written the last entry, it sounds as though he's doing what I'm doing...
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Date: 2007-01-03 07:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-03 10:11 pm (UTC)I can't come the previous two weekends, I have concerts, but I could come later in Feb if something later starts to look like a better plan.
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Date: 2007-01-04 03:26 am (UTC)Hi. Can he do me too?
Date: 2007-01-03 11:11 pm (UTC)Re: Hi. Can he do me too?
Date: 2007-01-04 12:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-03 06:31 pm (UTC)One of my biggest challenges is making achievable goals.
Billy and I are supposed to sit down soon and try and come up with a 6 month game-plan that prioritizes what needs to be done on the house and how we're going to tackle the biggest prioritie(s).
I don't remember Beth being the total "time suck" that Collin is when she was his age. I remember being a lazy couch potatoe! So why can't I seem to find a spare minute these days?
Which reminds me, we need to touch base!
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Date: 2007-01-04 12:40 am (UTC)And yes, creating achievable goals is really, really challenging!
I find that early in the am is the only time I can consistently get exercise in.
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Date: 2007-01-03 07:11 pm (UTC)NO NO NO, save ME, help ME, fix ME!!! I don't wanna do it!!! You do it for me!!!!
:) Hi Sabri!
Those are fab goals, I hope that you are able to achieve all that you need to be happy and feel content.
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Date: 2007-01-04 12:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-03 07:21 pm (UTC)Please be aware that, no matter how well we plan, the universe always manages to sneak in and change our best intentions. This is not and will not be a fault or a lack in you---it's just the way things are. It really is true that life happens while you're busy making other plans! :)
It's hard to watch your parents doing things that you see as destructive. I have it, too---and I can't do a thing about it. Neither can you. The only thing you can do is love them to the very best of your ability, and prepare yourself for what will ineveitably make you sad and/or angry about their lives. And then rejoice, for they will be at peace and resting, away from the world for a while, and awaiting their fresh start.
I hope to be able to see you sometime before the end of spring! I'm going through some sadness myself, and a part of that is realizing just how much I miss the people who mean so much to me. My inability to drive long distances or at night has really given me much heartache, as it seriously limits where I can go and what I can reasonably do without further damaging my eyesight.
I am hoping to see you in one of Starfire's circles soon---perhaps coming down with Eileen and Billy. The house is FINALLY able to support more than one or two houseguests---we would be honored to have you stay with us, circle with the grove and have a wonderful time.
Peace, love, and much joy to you in this New Year. May you be blessed with your heart's delight and your soul's longing, in wild abundance! Much love and many hugs from Baltimore!
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Date: 2007-01-04 12:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-03 11:22 pm (UTC)Please think about the timing of our divination swap in the light of your other priorities. I'll be in NJ for Imbolc and probably Ostara, but if another weekend would work better for you, let me know.
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Date: 2007-01-04 12:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 09:44 pm (UTC)All my best for the new year!
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Date: 2007-01-07 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 04:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-07 08:14 pm (UTC)