Growing Boundaries: New filter, small group

[sabrinamari]

It's getting easier to set boundaries. I notice this because I think I'm in the process of setting several with someone close. I notice that I'm not feeling so scared or so threatened when a problem issue emerges, and I'm not worried about losing the person. This is new. I'm also thinking less about what they want than about what I want and need. And weirdly, I'm doing it without feeling angry. This is new. Really new.

Usually, I'd be in a state of sustained anger when a problem issue, or a behavior that made me uncomfortable, emerged---at least in the past. Now I'm noticing my initial anger has given way to curiosity about what I'm feeling, why, and what solution might be best for me and optimal for our growth. And I've been able, with a little bit of a struggle, to articulate this distress to the other person in a non-blaming, non-threatening sort of way.

I've even been able to notice that I want to be left alone for a few days, and that I *don't* want this person to try and 'fix the problem' by changing their behavior right away. I want to be left alone to explore what's going on inside of me and try to figure out what exactly I want and need in order for it to be fixed. I'm not assuming that the other person can fix t by changing, either. But I am considering setting some kind of new boundary after a period of reflection and data collection, even if it risks a potential loss.

I was really surprised that I could articulate my wishes and needs to the other person calmly. I was surprised at how relaxed I felt, laying out my discomfort and my momentary feelings of aversion, and asking the person not to call me for a few days while I ruminate about it on my own and explore what is going on. Hmmmmm.

Growth happens.

I'm almost more proud of my unexpectedly adult response than I am discomfitted by the original behavior.

Whoah.

Comments

You rock Girl!

[ingridsummers.livejournal.com]

It's so wonderful to have people in my life, like you, who are growing and willing to share that growth. It's a less-oft tread path. It's nice not to be alone.

Re: You rock Girl!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

You are one of my most important role models in this. I am always encouraged as you fearless stick your mind in dark places where you cannot at first see, even when you might get bitten. I admire this tremendously in you.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

Boundaries - we need them. I sometimes have let people tread on them, and been sorry for it. However, when I have chosen to stretch them of my own accord, I am more often than not rewarded with new people in my life, or a new perspective, or a new talent, etc.

I think it's good that you aren't so put off by your original behavior, too. It doesn't help to deny where you've been. Heck, in some ways, it's good to acknowledge it - otherwise you can't acknowledge that you are growing and changing and developing into the person you seek to be or need to become.

I'm proud of you.
(And I thank you for your great words of encouragement, too)
*hug*

[citabria]

That does sound like quite a change. And you actually noticed it! It wasn't something you "made yourself" do -- you just did it at the time but were able to notice it afterwards. All of these things sound pretty amazing to me!

[hypanebliss.livejournal.com]

Wow....are you ever radiating with the Sage! You go on with your bass ass woman power! Sabri, representin' the spiritual adults in the crowd!

I've noticed the more calm and balanced I am going into a potentially charged situation the easier it is to stay that way. I'm really grasping the concept of walking away when angry rather than trying to fix everything in the moment when I'm still speaking through an emotional haze.

Often the emotional turbulence occurs within me and has little to do with the other person. So why take it out on them? Maybe my blood sugar is low, I've had little rest, I'm upset from bad dreams...etc. All of which contribute to a not so ideal situation for dealing with potentially explosive conversations.

Having said that, if both parties are committed to transforming the energy in the moment the entire process can be completed right away. There are pros and cons to waiting or solving a problem immediately.

I really like sitting for awhile to see where I am really at. Often I get more data if I wait a few days.

Peace!

[wild-place-king.livejournal.com]

I still experience some stress trying to articulate me needs/wants. Thank you for being a good role-model for me.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

love you, honey. Just wanted to remind you...

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Wow. You keep telling me how good I am at setting boundaries, but really, I'm not nearly as graceful at it as you're being about this one.