Sex, compassion and long term relationships: Thinking about the crucible...

[sabrinamari]

...that generates transformation and personal growth.

"Marriage holds your partner's happiness hostage, and the ransom price is always your own personal growth. One partner's sexual problems always impacts the other. The same holds true for illnesses, inhibitions, insecurities and immaturities.

Marriage never offers you the simple choice: 'Do you want to resolve your sexual problems or not?' The choice always includes: 'Do you want to let this fall on your partner or not?' Often our response to both questions is a loud 'No!' and that's where compassion comes in.

Compassion requires making room in your relationship for your partner. This involves not stealing your partner's choices by perpetually asking for more time before you buckle down and work things out. Repeatedly, you will have to choose between stifling your partner's growth and happiness, or growing up yourself. Good sex involves compassion, openness, sharing, and generosity that are not confined to your sexual technique."

"Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvinating Your Relationship,", David Schnarch, pp. 278-279

Comments

[flamespirit.livejournal.com]

Food for thought...thanks Sabrina. This is resonating so very loudly, on many levels.

[skyefyr.livejournal.com]

After my last marriage, where all the sexual problems became mine (so he didn't have to admit to them or deal with them), I'm not sure I'd ever get married again unless I found someone who could enjoy the wild abandon of good sex and thrive on it.

I've helped so many others with resolving their problems, it would be so nice to find someone to just enjoy me and let me just enjoy them in return. *sigh*

Schnarch is so insightful.

[tracyandrook.livejournal.com]

The above is another argument against a zero-sum view of things.

Just my impression so far with this marriage thing:
Things still have to be safe, sane and fully, completely, absolutely consensual. (that is, treat yourselves and each other at least as well as you'd treat a new potential partner.) One has to know within one's self what it is to feel consensual, and get to know it better. And what it is for your partner to feel consensual, and how he expresses it currently, aware he might evolve with that too.

I hesitate to say it, but I did just have a workshop on this last night at the Women's Crisis Resource Center (very well done group) ...anything less is moving quickly towards rape and will BE rape if it is a pattern of non-consensuality.

But I think also the last paragraph of your entry forgets to mention the perspective of time spent together. When there's give, you know eventually there will be take, and vice versa. Nobody's keeping score.

Sorry

[tracyandrook.livejournal.com]

Didn't want to seem pedantic or preachy. I'm just a little pleased that Rook has helped me figure this stuff out.

Re: Sorry

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

Good man!

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Not just good sex, but good communication, good co-existing, good everything between two people---or more, depending ont he dynamic. Growing up is hard to do for some people---they always want "me, first" and forget that marriage is only possible with at least one other person involved---and that the other person has their own needs and growth plans.

Making Room

[flamespirit.livejournal.com]

Compassion requires making room in your relationship for your partner. This involves not stealing your partner's choices by perpetually asking for more time before you buckle down and work things out

What happens when you make room for your partner? Give them the time they need to sort out their issues? Issues which are outside of your relationship, but by the virtue of your relationship, affect you nonetheless. What do you do during this time? How long do you give them?

This is the place I find myself in, right now. I find that I am only willing to make so much room. Only to the point where it starts hurting me. Then I have some hard decisions to make. Then I start feeling guilty that I cannot give unlimited amounts of room.

What do you do when you make room, but the very act of that makes you withdraw, in fear of the result of their growth? What happens if their growth is leaving you? What happens if your fear never materialises, but now you are a million miles away from your partner, because you withdrew? Is that fair to your partner? Are they able to grow, whilst seeing this happen?

This is another place I find myself in. I didn't make room. I withdrew. I don't know how to do one without the other. I feel guilty about that too.

So many questions. So much fear. So much guilt.

Re: Making Room

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I've been there. Oh, that was a hard year. I can't say I was always doing the best possible thing, every day, but we did make it to the other side somehow. I withdrew a lot, but withdrew into my work, rather than withdrawing geographically. My husband knew where to find me, and where my head was. I drew the boundaries about how much I was willing to let his mess spill over onto me, but I tried to make sure he knew I'd be around when he wasn't slinging secondhand drama.

Good luck!

Re: Making Room

[flamespirit.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Would you mind if I friended you?

When I said "a million miles away", meant emotionally, not geographically.
But your mentioning it, gave me pause for thought, as I have done the geographic withdrawal too, with other people. So I guess I do both, emotional and geographic.

For this "making room" to work for any length of time, for me there has to be hope. Hope that there will be the other side to get to. If there is no hope, I just give up. There also has to be an action plan. I have to understand what is being done to get there. And how. Without that, I cannot trust.

Where I'm at now, I have no hope, no promises are being made. And I cannot see any tangible action plan either, so I do not trust. I have given up.

Am I wrong to impose my needs on him? On one hand, I feel I should be able to do this unconditionally, without needing hope and trust. One the other hand, I feel that would be just plain dumb.

Re: Making Room

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely welcome to friend me. Please don't be offended that I don't friend you right away. I have to produce 50,000 words of fiction by the beginning of June, so I'm trying not to add to my friends list until I've made that self-imposed deadline or blown it.

About trust...Where I'm at with trust right now is that I try to trust people to be who they are, and I try not to burden people by trusting them to act counter to their nature. You can trust me to be 15 minutes late--if you try trusting me to arrive early for stuff, we both end up unhappy. That kind of thing. I think the way we're taught to think about unconditional love and unconditional trust is kind of counterproductive. I don't require my mom to change in order for me to love her, but I know she's never going to read the books I write. If I'm going to love her well, I have to love her without imposing illusions on myself. When I think about perfect love and perfect trust these days, it's this fits-like-a-glove cutsom-tailored love and trust I think about, rather than the sort of one-size-fits-all love and trust my Christian upbringing valued--the stuff that's supposed to be perfect for everybody just because we're trying to make it unconditional.

Of course, I mess up frequently, but the people around me know they can trust me to mess up.

May the best thing happen for you, whatever that is.

Re: Making Room

[flamespirit.livejournal.com]

Please don't be offended that I don't friend you right away. I have to produce 50,000 words of fiction by the beginning of June
Not offended at all! 50,000 words are a tall order.

...I try to trust people to be who they are, and I try not to burden people by trusting them to act counter to their nature
Well said. I have to remember this.

Of course, I mess up frequently, but the people around me know they can trust me to mess up.
Lol!