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Groundlessness
Jul. 2nd, 2011 07:21 pmWhy aren't I writing? It's not that I'm not thinking----I'm thinking like mad. And there's plenty happening around me, too. Much to write about.
I don't understand...usually I can't even figure out what's going on in my head if I don't write. Now I'm not even writing in my paper journals.
I don't understand.
If anything, there's been (much) more tumult than usual, and I've had to close in a little bit just to keep myself sane. There have been so many people in my world over the last few months that's it's been hard for me to keep up with the changes they've brought to my life and the corresponding changes they've provoked in me.
Maybe it's because I spent the week talking more, and talking more frankly, than I have in ages. I talked to Michael, I talked and texted to others and I said more of import and relevance than I have in a long while. Maybe that was enough.
I feel as though I'm in the middle of my second straight year of deep, continuous change, and I don't think it will slow down until December, maybe.
This whole experience is forcing me to loosen my death grip on earth and metal and see my desire for safety as the sheer illusion that it is. Not that I'll stop wanting it, no. But maybe I'll finally stop *believing* in it. And that would be a very good thing for me. Nothing can anchor me in this whirlwind of shifting realities.
The best thing would be to relax into change.
I don't understand...usually I can't even figure out what's going on in my head if I don't write. Now I'm not even writing in my paper journals.
I don't understand.
If anything, there's been (much) more tumult than usual, and I've had to close in a little bit just to keep myself sane. There have been so many people in my world over the last few months that's it's been hard for me to keep up with the changes they've brought to my life and the corresponding changes they've provoked in me.
Maybe it's because I spent the week talking more, and talking more frankly, than I have in ages. I talked to Michael, I talked and texted to others and I said more of import and relevance than I have in a long while. Maybe that was enough.
I feel as though I'm in the middle of my second straight year of deep, continuous change, and I don't think it will slow down until December, maybe.
This whole experience is forcing me to loosen my death grip on earth and metal and see my desire for safety as the sheer illusion that it is. Not that I'll stop wanting it, no. But maybe I'll finally stop *believing* in it. And that would be a very good thing for me. Nothing can anchor me in this whirlwind of shifting realities.
The best thing would be to relax into change.
