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Last night I noticed that I was distracted, disconnected and not altogether here. At first I thought it was a work-related feeling, but as the night wore on, I realized that wasn't so. It was more like discontent: a feeling that everything and everyone around me was operating in a deep, tedious and very familiar rut---including me. Nothing I could think of doing or experiencing seemed enticing. I felt...deeply disconnected.
It took me awhile to get a handle on this feeling because it's so rare that I experience it. I'm usually engaged, enthused and involved in something or another. I can't even remember having had this feeling before, although surely, I must have encountered it.
When I finally figured it out and got over my initial surprise, I immediately labeled it as a problem.
But then my Buddhist training took over, and I got curious about it. "What is this?" I thought, "and why am I so quick to judge it and try to get rid of it?" Then it occurred to me that since I almost never feel this way, it's a good opportunity to explore something new, from the inside.
This morning I remembered something else: "You don't have to believe everything you think". This is one of my favorite sayings. I use it to check 'drama queen mind' and keep my internal agida in check.
So right now, I'm maintaining a curious and open attitude about it, tinged with a little bit of skepticism. I'm sure I can learn from this, whatever it is, but I'm not planning to believe in it, at least not for now.
And, of course, now that I'm actually interested in learning from it, I can feel it shifting into something else, something less...dark.
Damn. Human minds are just infuriating.
It took me awhile to get a handle on this feeling because it's so rare that I experience it. I'm usually engaged, enthused and involved in something or another. I can't even remember having had this feeling before, although surely, I must have encountered it.
When I finally figured it out and got over my initial surprise, I immediately labeled it as a problem.
But then my Buddhist training took over, and I got curious about it. "What is this?" I thought, "and why am I so quick to judge it and try to get rid of it?" Then it occurred to me that since I almost never feel this way, it's a good opportunity to explore something new, from the inside.
This morning I remembered something else: "You don't have to believe everything you think". This is one of my favorite sayings. I use it to check 'drama queen mind' and keep my internal agida in check.
So right now, I'm maintaining a curious and open attitude about it, tinged with a little bit of skepticism. I'm sure I can learn from this, whatever it is, but I'm not planning to believe in it, at least not for now.
And, of course, now that I'm actually interested in learning from it, I can feel it shifting into something else, something less...dark.
Damn. Human minds are just infuriating.
