Thoughts about safety, spaces and home

Looks like I am starting to relax.

I noticed that I'm not so stressed around Michael's household anymore. I get there and feel like I'm coming to a familiar, safe place. I am starting to play with Trent and interact with him from a relaxed, happy place, not a place that worries about how to do it *right*. I feel comfortable cooking there now. I feel comfortable getting up and running, coming home to do chores, and getting ready for work there.

When I left and didn't remember whether I had locked the door this morning, I went back to check, and thought, oh, OK, the household needs this, this and this, I'll just stop and get them, and also these things I need while I'm there, and *this* food, and drop them all off while I check to make sure I locked up. In other words...I'm treating his place like it's sort of, a secondary home. I think this is a good thing. I notice it because I still remember exactly how I felt a few weeks ago when I came in while no one was home one night and felt deeply struck by the strangeness of the place and the fact that it was different and * not mine*. I even felt a little stressed and tense being there alone.

But I realized this morning that I don't feel that way anymore. It feels safe and familiar. It feels good.

I also learned how to give Trent a bath. That was fun, and now I feel comfortable enough to do it again. Little by little, I am starting to "fit" the place.

Coming home to my home for the week feels a little strange now. Shannon's not here, and I have the place to myself. I'm doing chores and working and stuff, and it's OK. But I notice that it's not a retreat of safety from the world, as it used to be. It's a good place, but I don't seem to need a womb of safety in the same way that I did earlier this year.

Strange how one grows and changes without even noticing that it's happening.

Lammas sacrifice

Lammas was good this year. Cause the rest of the year is simply the rest of the year, with many, many good things, and Lammas is only just one part of it. I am still smiling every time I think of caput_aerus's playful reading of an earlier, dramatically self-pitying post in which I wrote "Every day is Lammas". Now I can't stop smiling when I think of anything related to this statement, because, hey, as he pointed out, every day is llamas, people! [Insert silly internet llama video here].

Still smiling.

So, along this line, I decided to give up self-righteous anger. It was useful for awhile, and it got me out of some ugly places. It was seductive, in that it allowed me to feel superior, and oh, so deeply wronged! (laughing). What an utter waste of time!

So I give up that lovely, short-term feeling of superiority and the indulgence of being able to reliably be angry at someone who deserves it. I will move on to other things, and occupy those brain cells with emotions and thoughts that are immeditaely relevant, linked to the present, and don't serve to artificially prop me up. So there! (chuckling)

Bye, righteous anger (waving a little yellow handkerchief). Not interested in seeing you later.