Thoughts about safety, spaces and home

[sabrinamari]

Looks like I am starting to relax.

I noticed that I'm not so stressed around Michael's household anymore. I get there and feel like I'm coming to a familiar, safe place. I am starting to play with Trent and interact with him from a relaxed, happy place, not a place that worries about how to do it *right*. I feel comfortable cooking there now. I feel comfortable getting up and running, coming home to do chores, and getting ready for work there.

When I left and didn't remember whether I had locked the door this morning, I went back to check, and thought, oh, OK, the household needs this, this and this, I'll just stop and get them, and also these things I need while I'm there, and *this* food, and drop them all off while I check to make sure I locked up. In other words...I'm treating his place like it's sort of, a secondary home. I think this is a good thing. I notice it because I still remember exactly how I felt a few weeks ago when I came in while no one was home one night and felt deeply struck by the strangeness of the place and the fact that it was different and * not mine*. I even felt a little stressed and tense being there alone.

But I realized this morning that I don't feel that way anymore. It feels safe and familiar. It feels good.

I also learned how to give Trent a bath. That was fun, and now I feel comfortable enough to do it again. Little by little, I am starting to "fit" the place.

Coming home to my home for the week feels a little strange now. Shannon's not here, and I have the place to myself. I'm doing chores and working and stuff, and it's OK. But I notice that it's not a retreat of safety from the world, as it used to be. It's a good place, but I don't seem to need a womb of safety in the same way that I did earlier this year.

Strange how one grows and changes without even noticing that it's happening.

Comments

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

That's nice :D I was impressed by how well behaved Trent was. And he was very keen on holding your hand - you just looked happy, and that makes me glad.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I was really, really happy. And it felt so good that Trent wanted to sit in my lap and play with me. I felt blessed.

Trent is an exceptional, wonderful boy. His daddy is a great parent, and I'm learning alot from him.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

It's amazing - you spend so much time making a safe place for yourself that, suddenly, you realize that in making it safe, and in using it as your haven, you have come to a place where it is no longer necessary.

Don't forget how to do it, though - life goes in cycles, and you may need or want it that way again. It may be just for you, or it may be to be able to create a haven for you and another. But now you know you can not only make a safe place, you know that you don't need it all the time.

I'm so proud of you, and so impressed by you! :)
Enjoy the life you've earned.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"It's amazing - you spend so much time making a safe place for yourself that, suddenly, you realize that in making it safe, and in using it as your haven, you have come to a place where it is no longer necessary."

That's exactly it.

And yes, I am holding on to this apartment for a good while, because it just makes sense. I will need this place while I continue to find my feet. Part of my progress is knowing that I can come back here any time that I want to do so.

Later, I may find other ways to retreat that don't require a completely seperate apartment.

Thank you for your good wishes, my dear!

[skyefyr.livejournal.com]

It was wonderful to see you so happy the other day.

Is there a time in your busy schedule where we can talk a little bit? I had so much more I wanted to say to you last night, and there's another matter I want to discuss with you too.

Let me know when would be good.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

We can talk this evening, my dear.

{{{Eileen}}}