Work Break..damn those field notes!

[sabrinamari]

"You can love someone, you can miss someone, but you can still be better off without them."

Quote from an informant in a 'Women's Health' article
EDIT: This is not about anyone currently in my life---only a reflection on my past.


"...You then have to deal only with your denial and procrastination, which is easier to deal with than blindness."

"It's hierarchy of communication that inhibits processes, not hierarchy of tasks."

Frank, physician and health care research consultant

Comments

[castalusoria.livejournal.com]

Any advice on dealing with the denial and procrastination of others? As for the first quote, though, I've said that many times. And probably had it said to me, too, and justifiably so...

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I have little wisdom on this one.

What works on me when I am in denial and procrastination:

Gentle and relentless confrontation and having to listen to how I am harming others/alowing harm to happen by my inaction.

What I have seen work in attempting to deal with the most extreme denial and procrastination in others (very hard to do and distasteful):

1. Decide what you really want, and become willing to do whatever you need to do to get it, including adopting a course of action that is painful for you. Example: deciding on the things you really want in a relationship, telling your partner about the changes you need, and becoming willing to leave the relationship if you don't get what you want, even if it would be incredibly painful to do it.

2. Take the other person's behavior at face value. Example: when they do not make the changes you have said that you need, accept that they do not want to make those changes. Simply accept what their (in)actions are telling you.

3. Act accordingly to achieve your greater goal. Example: Leave when you don't get the changes you ask for, no matter what their mouths are saying.

4. The general principle: Keep your life in your own control. Accept that the way to do this is to be willing to repeatedly take the three steps above. Be willing to state your needs and act on what other people do, rather than what they say they will do, and move in a manner that ensures that you will move ahead towards fulfilling your need, regardless of what anyone else says and does.

NOTE: This process often sucks at the time that you must do it. It pays off huge dividends later. Dump that which resists your best good-will attempts to get your reasonable needs met. Move on. Don't look back too much---only to make sure you learned the lessons you needed to learn there. Go to the next good possible options for getting your needs met.

Otherwise you can easily get stuck for years in suspended animation while you wait for an ambivalent person to make the changes you need for you. This gives them tremendous power, and allows each of you to avoid confronting your issues. It lets you both dodge painful personal growth and avoid pain, which is why it is such a common experience for so many people. Dodging growth-related pain while you complain that your needs aren't being met by others---and you are thus stuck---is a good strategy for maintaining the unpleasant but less scary status quo.

Wish I had less difficult advice.

[castalusoria.livejournal.com]

I wish so, too. I'm in the middle of this, now. But I feel marginally better, which is good.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I am glad that you feel better, at least, and send you a hug.

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

It's hierarchy of communication that inhibits processes, not hierarchy of tasks."


this might the single most brilliant thing i've heard in all of 2005.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I was impressed to hear it from Frank, the consultant who made this statement.