Transformative processing- feel free to skip

[sabrinamari]

I'm listening to the song that represents so much of my former sadness and feeling about Ken and my marriage. Usually I listen to this and sink into pain about the losses that this relationship brought to me. When I listen to 'Amplified Heart', it's always about mourning---or at least it has been in the past.

But this morning I awoke and immediately broke my hinge vow (I did not get on my elliptical trainer right away) and logged onto LJ and started reading, thinking and processing. I will forgive myself this transgression today.

But most importantly, reading an entry in my brother's LJ (chasech5) I realized that I am truly starting to transmute the dross that came out of that experience. I realized that instead of thinking of it as one long desert of loss of self and time spent in hell, I am thinking of it as a crucible---a place in which I was heated to temperatures of intensity far, far beyond the usual and held there, glowing in white hotness, for years. This tempering process was accompanied by an experience of being pounded and formed and shaped into the woman and the priestess who I am now. It is the source of whatever wisdom I have acquired, which is not inconsiderable for someone who still has so many years to live and grow. Without the experience of Ken, I never would have fought for my authentic self so hard. Without Ken, I never would have transmuted all my Scorpion sexual energy into ritual and ritual priestessing, and I never would have learned to surrender to the forces that live around us with such fierceness and abandon in Circle. Without that marriage, I never would have known how utterly relentness I am when I want something, when I know I need to transform something. Ken was ny best teacher. Without his immovable personality disorder, I would never have been forced to develop so fully and so beautifully along paths of spirit and self transformation---and I would have been half the woman I am now and little of the priestess.

That marriage helped pound me into whatever kind of glory I can summon, in Circle and outside of it, and gave me my greatest strengths.

And now I'm listening to "Missing"---but it's the dance mix, and I can hear in it the beat that guided me into my true self.

And it's a celebration, a glorying in that which brought me to this peak, this place.

Wherever I am dropped, I will prosper. Where I am planted, I will grow. I know who I am now, in all realms but perhaps one...

Wherever I go, I will call out to the world and summon up all the most exceptional spirits, the most beautiful and wonderful companions, the most provocative and powerful friends. Wherever I go now, I will carry my power with me. I don't need a tattoo, I don't need regalia, I don't need anything but my own body to call in what I need. I am what I need.

And for this, I thank you, years of deprivation and solitude. I thank you, cruel and cold partner. I thank all those criticisms, the endless complaints, the anger and depression turned against me, the ugliness, the self-hatred turned outwards and projected onto me. Because after that, nothing, nothing will kill me. Nothing will hobble me, nothing will hold me back from knowledge of my own beauty and power. And if I ever encounter a similar person again, I will walk on by with hardly a nod, and if toxicity re-enters my life, I will recognize it and eject it effortlessly, because I know what it looks like now and I won't mistake a Komodo Dragon for a St. Bernard ever again.

I will never, never, never be trapped like that again.

And now, on to an incredible cardio session, running to the soundtrack of the crucible that bought me to my power.

Comments

Must you constantly challenge me?

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

You are the example that whispers, "remember who you are" when I become complacent about my situation. You and Krkhst have each said things in the last 24 hours that have crystalized "The Issue" for me. I was feeling trapped in my work. Now I know what I have to do. I don't know whether to thank you or retreat to the corner and pout.

How very wonderful for you that you have had this bad marriage to rebel against all these many years. You win. You found the path through the wilderness.

Re: Must you constantly challenge me?

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Phoenixes will always cry out to each other and push each other on. You are one of the phoenixes in my life that pushes me harder, lures me on, lingers in my heart and refuses to leave, ever. And there's a reason for that. I am only performing my function in your life, as you are in mine.

And I will never let you go, or stop listening to you, or stop whispering to you.

I believe that I will always---in the language of feng shui---call to myself all those phoenixes and dragons around me who can help me grow. And you are one of these.

Thank you and Ditto

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

"You win" does not mean "I lose." Thank you for being an example and helping me find my own path.

Music

[roy-batty.livejournal.com]

By any chance are you familiar with Weekend Players?

Re: Music

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Not yet. But I am ordering the album you linked to now. Thank you.

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

"O:D

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Wanna come work out?

[seedmoon.livejournal.com]

My situation is different than yours. Still, I hope I can follow your example and lead myself to a better place beyond all this.
As always, you are inspiring.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that you are in a place of pain and loss, beautiful man. At least I was able to spend serious time with you at Free Spirit and help ease that pain, if only for a few days. I would never wish this kind of loss upon you.

But the truth is that we seem to make the biggest gains in wisdom and power when we are confronted with the things we fear the most and we are forced to meet their challenges. I wish you lived closer, or that it was easier to see you more than once a year, but I will still try to offer all the love and support that I can from this side of the country.

And honestly, you were there for me all through festival, especially when I felt gripped by fear and terror around my future explorations of sex and love, and I thank you for that. What I would have done without your non-judgmental support, I do not know. And both I and Rose benefited a great deal from your protectiveness, and your kindness, and your guidance around how to interact with/open to/choose among possible lovers.

Thank you, dear one. I never feel stupid or immature or clueless in a bad way around you, and I never feel bad about lacking sophistication and experience. And right now, that's the best gift any man in my life, friend or lover, can give me.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

It may be over-used and a bit trite because of that, but the thought "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is so very appropriate and true! I have found that, even though I have felt like I needed to die in order to stop the pain, when I was through that crucible, I was stronger, and could handle things differently and (hopefully) better. I have found more strength, more of the garbage burned off and more of that person that I have always known was there. I know that all of life is a crucible of sorts, and the more of the dross of trouble is burned off, the more of my true inner core is revealed. I know that, when I am ready and can be of the best use, the Gods will tell me why I am where I am, and put me to their use----and I will be joyful in their service. I can hardly wait to see how it turns out!

[hypanebliss.livejournal.com]

That is a great song. More importantly let me just say that you are amazing and beautiful. Keep smiling and please continue to dance across life while we watch.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your love and support. It is largely because of the beautiful people around me, and the gifts of affirmation and compassion that they have offered me, that I have been able to make this leap out from the chrysalis.

Alanis?

[methastra.livejournal.com]

Sounds like somebody stole Sabrina and replaced her with Alanis Morrisette!

If you haven't listened to her progression and development and healing through her music, I'd highly recommend it, from the whole angry "Jagged Little Pill" album to her song, just like your post here, to her song "Thank You" where she realizes what she learned and how and expresses her gratitude for it.

Her journey seems to mirror yours in many ways.

Blessed Be,

- Brian G.

Re: Alanis?

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I agree. Her journey mirrors mine.

And I love "Thank You," and was in fact thinking of it while I wrote this. Its format perfectly expresses how I feel now, on the other side of this transformative experience.

[flamespirit.livejournal.com]

AMEN! Isn't it an amazing feeling?
I love this line "Wherever I am dropped, I will prosper. Where I am planted, I will grow". It speaks so deeply to my soul.
Sorry I missed you at FSG. Hope to chat soon.
{{{Sabri}}}