Painful Graduate Student Humor, Part 1

Top 10 things to say when someone asks you when you will finish your dissertation:

10. "Damn! I knew that there was something that I forgot to do...."

9. "As soon as my pimp starts giving me Thursdays off so that I can go to the library."

8. "Whenever the little voices tell me to finish."

7. "When I've had as much fun as I can stand."

6. "Finish? And leave all of this glamorous stress and poverty behind? You must be mad."

5. "No one finishes her dissertation in my department. Our degree program is like the Bottomless Coffee Pot at International House of Pancakes."

4. "I used to want to finish -- but that was before I fell in love with my advisor. As long as those chapter review meetings are the only way for me to spend time with him/her, I'm not going anywhere, pal."

3. "Don't spread this around, but I'm just in it for the Student Loan checks."

2. "As soon as I find that quarter that I dropped in the library five years ago."

1. "When? Never. The grad student thing is my new identity: I'm in the Federal Witness Protection Program."