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sabrinamariFrom a work-related mailing list:
"Something amusing from the Chronicle of Higher Education: Advanced
Symptoms of Advanced Degrees By LAWRENCE DOUGLAS and ALEXANDER GEORGE
It is hardly news that graduate students are often not the happiest of
campers. Only recently, however, have scientists, psychologists, and
discourse pathologists come to appreciate and diagnose the full range of
maladies afflicting the graduate-student population. Now the publication
of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Graduate Students
(DSMGS-1), the first book ever dedicated specifically to disorders of
those pursuing advanced degrees, promises relief to this long-suffering
population. An excerpt follows:
Global Irony Syndrome (GIS) Indications: GIS is an affective disorder
most commonly characterized by the following symptoms: an erosion of
belief in Enlightenment values; snideness toward the concepts of truth,
objectivity, and universal ethical codes; cynicism about the two-party
system and the wealth-leveling effects of global capitalism; an ironic
stance toward all physical laws and reality itself. The onset of GIS is
often signaled in the sufferer by the replacement of easygoing laughter
with sarcastic smirks, and by the refusal to debate any issue except
through indirection, punning, and sneering banter. Prevalence: GIS has
been largely concentrated in humanities departments, with occasional
outbreaks in the "softer" social sciences, such as sociology,
anthropology, government, and politics. Treatment: Intensive viewing of
It's a Wonderful Life has proved salutary. Failing that, a semester's
leave spent in a hard-labor camp of a despotic regime is effective in
more than 75 percent of reported cases.
Hyper-Theory Disorder (HTD) Indications: HTD is a cognitive disorder
distinguished by an increasingly abstract frame of mind. Sufferers
gradually lose the ability to speak in a manner unmediated by
poststructuralist theory. In extreme cases, sufferers come to view all
aspects of popular culture (e.g., SpongeBob reruns, Oprah, the National
Football League) through the filter of Heideggerian metaphysics or
Lacanian psychoanalysis. HTD is often misdiagnosed as Tunnel Visionitis
(TV), a similar, though etiologically distinct, malady marked by a
gradually escalating inability to communicate with anyone -- including
friends, family, spouses, and domestic pets -- who does not share all of
one's theoretical presuppositions. Prevalence: HTD is endemic to
literature departments. TV, by contrast, is rampant throughout all
disciplines, often hitting the natural sciences hardest. Treatment:
Complete abstinence from all French and German texts remains a
controversial treatment for HTD. Until further therapeutic remedies have
been discovered, a travel advisory for Continental Europe has been
issued to all humanities students.
Sycophancy-Authority Malady (SAM) Indications: SAM is considered a
speech pathology increasingly common among advanced graduate students.
It is marked by a tendency to speak in flattering, fawning,
ingratiating, and even idolatrous terms to persons in positions of
authority such as full professors, conference organizers, and powerful
department secretaries. Oddly, sufferers of SAM, when conversing
privately, tend to speak of these authorities in only the most derisive,
disdainful, and even violent terms. (This syndrome is not to be confused
with Manic Mentor Mimesis; see below.) Prevalence: Cases of SAM have
been reported in most graduate centers, though serious outbreaks tend to
be concentrated in the lobbies, conference rooms, and bars of hotels
hosting annual meetings of professional associations at which job
interviewing is taking place. Treatment: Tenure-track appointments were
once considered effective in curing SAM, but recent studies challenge
that conclusion. Those studies also suggest that tenure itself provides
less relief than previously assumed. Researchers now believe that
retirement constitutes the only fully effective treatment for this
complex and poorly understood malady.
Manic Mentor Mimesis (MMM) Indications: The disease, difficult to
diagnose in its earliest stages, first manifests itself in the
sufferer's subtle mimicry of an adviser's hand gestures. Gradually, the
mimetic tendencies deepen and spread to include head movements and
distinctive eye rolls of the adviser, as well as slouches, gaits, and
even, if opportunity presents itself, dancing styles. As MMM becomes
more systemic, tones of voice, sighs, vocal tics, and even idiosyncratic
expectorations come to be included within the ambit of imitation. In its
final and most humiliating stages, sufferers find themselves mimicking
the dress of their advisers and adopting their hair styles. Typically,
Acute Adornment Ataxia then sets in as the sufferer finds movement
restricted by all the laser pens, cellphones, soda cans, backpacks, and
assorted pedagogical props used by the adviser. Prevalence: MMM is
especially prevalent in departments, such as philosophy and mathematics,
with high concentrations of eccentric faculty members. Treatment:
Extreme ridicule from peers outside academe, such as siblings and
attractive baristas, has been known to abate the condition.
Terminal Graduate Paralysis (TGP) Indications: This chronic,
debilitating, and sometimes fatal condition represents the most serious
and widespread of the many behavioral disorders facing the
graduate-student population. Symptoms often appear in the fourth year of
graduate study, though this can vary from discipline to discipline.
Early signs are typically mild and therefore easily overlooked or
ignored. These often include a subtle shift in media-consumption habits,
from National Public Radio to South Park, and from professional journals
to extreme-makeover television. More serious symptoms include compulsive
retitling of the dissertation; a pathological overinvestment of time in
TA-ing; a tendency to misplace routinely or otherwise lose or obliterate
thousands of hours of work as a result of alleged computer failures
(clinicians investigating these mishaps frequently find suspiciously
mutilated hard drives). Advanced symptoms include substantially impaired
performance on all cognitive tasks; hyperanxiety and night sweats;
bibliophobia; comma-shifting mania; and a marked adviser-avoidance
response. At its most extreme, sufferers display a
deer-in-the-headlights appearance; epistemological aphasia (the
conviction that one no longer knows anything); morbid feelings of lack
of self-worth often accompanied by paranoiac delusions of victimization;
a deepening of syntactic torpidity (the loss of the ability to write
clearly, simply, and, ultimately, at all); a resurgence of teenage acne;
even renewed thumb-sucking and bed-wetting.
Failure to File (F2F) represents a particularly heartbreaking, and dimly
understood, form of TGP, in which the sufferer mysteriously disappears
on the eve of filing the completed dissertation, or otherwise
inexplicably decides to "tighten" the argument. Prevalence: Cases of TGP
have been reported in every state and in every graduate department. The
Morningside Heights district of Manhattan has produced rates suggesting
a veritable epidemic that is matched only by certain areas in Berkeley,
Calif. Treatment: In its advanced stages, TGP is considered untreatable.
For early-stage sufferers, long walks in open farmland accompanied by a
complete termination of parental financial support has proved effective.
Application to law school has also been known to offer relief.
Lawrence Douglas is an associate professor of law, jurisprudence, and
social thought, and Alexander George a professor of philosophy, at
Amherst College. A book of their humorous essays, Sense and
Nonsensibility: Lampoons of Learning and Literature, was recently
published by Simon & Schuster."
"Something amusing from the Chronicle of Higher Education: Advanced
Symptoms of Advanced Degrees By LAWRENCE DOUGLAS and ALEXANDER GEORGE
It is hardly news that graduate students are often not the happiest of
campers. Only recently, however, have scientists, psychologists, and
discourse pathologists come to appreciate and diagnose the full range of
maladies afflicting the graduate-student population. Now the publication
of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Graduate Students
(DSMGS-1), the first book ever dedicated specifically to disorders of
those pursuing advanced degrees, promises relief to this long-suffering
population. An excerpt follows:
Global Irony Syndrome (GIS) Indications: GIS is an affective disorder
most commonly characterized by the following symptoms: an erosion of
belief in Enlightenment values; snideness toward the concepts of truth,
objectivity, and universal ethical codes; cynicism about the two-party
system and the wealth-leveling effects of global capitalism; an ironic
stance toward all physical laws and reality itself. The onset of GIS is
often signaled in the sufferer by the replacement of easygoing laughter
with sarcastic smirks, and by the refusal to debate any issue except
through indirection, punning, and sneering banter. Prevalence: GIS has
been largely concentrated in humanities departments, with occasional
outbreaks in the "softer" social sciences, such as sociology,
anthropology, government, and politics. Treatment: Intensive viewing of
It's a Wonderful Life has proved salutary. Failing that, a semester's
leave spent in a hard-labor camp of a despotic regime is effective in
more than 75 percent of reported cases.
Hyper-Theory Disorder (HTD) Indications: HTD is a cognitive disorder
distinguished by an increasingly abstract frame of mind. Sufferers
gradually lose the ability to speak in a manner unmediated by
poststructuralist theory. In extreme cases, sufferers come to view all
aspects of popular culture (e.g., SpongeBob reruns, Oprah, the National
Football League) through the filter of Heideggerian metaphysics or
Lacanian psychoanalysis. HTD is often misdiagnosed as Tunnel Visionitis
(TV), a similar, though etiologically distinct, malady marked by a
gradually escalating inability to communicate with anyone -- including
friends, family, spouses, and domestic pets -- who does not share all of
one's theoretical presuppositions. Prevalence: HTD is endemic to
literature departments. TV, by contrast, is rampant throughout all
disciplines, often hitting the natural sciences hardest. Treatment:
Complete abstinence from all French and German texts remains a
controversial treatment for HTD. Until further therapeutic remedies have
been discovered, a travel advisory for Continental Europe has been
issued to all humanities students.
Sycophancy-Authority Malady (SAM) Indications: SAM is considered a
speech pathology increasingly common among advanced graduate students.
It is marked by a tendency to speak in flattering, fawning,
ingratiating, and even idolatrous terms to persons in positions of
authority such as full professors, conference organizers, and powerful
department secretaries. Oddly, sufferers of SAM, when conversing
privately, tend to speak of these authorities in only the most derisive,
disdainful, and even violent terms. (This syndrome is not to be confused
with Manic Mentor Mimesis; see below.) Prevalence: Cases of SAM have
been reported in most graduate centers, though serious outbreaks tend to
be concentrated in the lobbies, conference rooms, and bars of hotels
hosting annual meetings of professional associations at which job
interviewing is taking place. Treatment: Tenure-track appointments were
once considered effective in curing SAM, but recent studies challenge
that conclusion. Those studies also suggest that tenure itself provides
less relief than previously assumed. Researchers now believe that
retirement constitutes the only fully effective treatment for this
complex and poorly understood malady.
Manic Mentor Mimesis (MMM) Indications: The disease, difficult to
diagnose in its earliest stages, first manifests itself in the
sufferer's subtle mimicry of an adviser's hand gestures. Gradually, the
mimetic tendencies deepen and spread to include head movements and
distinctive eye rolls of the adviser, as well as slouches, gaits, and
even, if opportunity presents itself, dancing styles. As MMM becomes
more systemic, tones of voice, sighs, vocal tics, and even idiosyncratic
expectorations come to be included within the ambit of imitation. In its
final and most humiliating stages, sufferers find themselves mimicking
the dress of their advisers and adopting their hair styles. Typically,
Acute Adornment Ataxia then sets in as the sufferer finds movement
restricted by all the laser pens, cellphones, soda cans, backpacks, and
assorted pedagogical props used by the adviser. Prevalence: MMM is
especially prevalent in departments, such as philosophy and mathematics,
with high concentrations of eccentric faculty members. Treatment:
Extreme ridicule from peers outside academe, such as siblings and
attractive baristas, has been known to abate the condition.
Terminal Graduate Paralysis (TGP) Indications: This chronic,
debilitating, and sometimes fatal condition represents the most serious
and widespread of the many behavioral disorders facing the
graduate-student population. Symptoms often appear in the fourth year of
graduate study, though this can vary from discipline to discipline.
Early signs are typically mild and therefore easily overlooked or
ignored. These often include a subtle shift in media-consumption habits,
from National Public Radio to South Park, and from professional journals
to extreme-makeover television. More serious symptoms include compulsive
retitling of the dissertation; a pathological overinvestment of time in
TA-ing; a tendency to misplace routinely or otherwise lose or obliterate
thousands of hours of work as a result of alleged computer failures
(clinicians investigating these mishaps frequently find suspiciously
mutilated hard drives). Advanced symptoms include substantially impaired
performance on all cognitive tasks; hyperanxiety and night sweats;
bibliophobia; comma-shifting mania; and a marked adviser-avoidance
response. At its most extreme, sufferers display a
deer-in-the-headlights appearance; epistemological aphasia (the
conviction that one no longer knows anything); morbid feelings of lack
of self-worth often accompanied by paranoiac delusions of victimization;
a deepening of syntactic torpidity (the loss of the ability to write
clearly, simply, and, ultimately, at all); a resurgence of teenage acne;
even renewed thumb-sucking and bed-wetting.
Failure to File (F2F) represents a particularly heartbreaking, and dimly
understood, form of TGP, in which the sufferer mysteriously disappears
on the eve of filing the completed dissertation, or otherwise
inexplicably decides to "tighten" the argument. Prevalence: Cases of TGP
have been reported in every state and in every graduate department. The
Morningside Heights district of Manhattan has produced rates suggesting
a veritable epidemic that is matched only by certain areas in Berkeley,
Calif. Treatment: In its advanced stages, TGP is considered untreatable.
For early-stage sufferers, long walks in open farmland accompanied by a
complete termination of parental financial support has proved effective.
Application to law school has also been known to offer relief.
Lawrence Douglas is an associate professor of law, jurisprudence, and
social thought, and Alexander George a professor of philosophy, at
Amherst College. A book of their humorous essays, Sense and
Nonsensibility: Lampoons of Learning and Literature, was recently
published by Simon & Schuster."
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oh. my. god.
Date: 2005-03-07 05:33 pm (UTC)aspects of popular culture (e.g., SpongeBob reruns, Oprah, the National
Football League) through the filter of Heideggerian metaphysics or
Lacanian psychoanalysis.
um...guilty as charged. I had a long talk with my mom about the gender political narrative in Bob the Builder.
Hyper-Theory Disorder (HTD)
Date: 2005-03-07 05:53 pm (UTC)I like to think that I'm recovering.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 09:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 09:38 pm (UTC)