Contained?

[sabrinamari]

I dreamed I was trapped in a containment camp. I planned two escapes with people I care about, but at the last minute, they didn't show up and my vehicle and purse disappeared. I could see the breach in the wire fence and knew it wouldn't last long.

In the end, I ran back and grabbed a bag to throw in some food, an umbrella, a cloak and a few basics for keeping myself alive.

But I realized as I did it that I was deeply torn: save myself, but go alone? Or stay in the containment camp with everyone I cared about, and be trapped along with them?

I woke up while I was still stuffing survival tools into my bag. I didn't stay asleep long enough to know what I would actually decide to do.

I think this dream is true on multiple levels. My containment camp is both within me and outside of me. I need to change core circumstances in my life and I need to change my internal patterns. So far, I'm working hard to assemble my survival tools and get out. But I'm really unsure if anyone is coming with me. My unconscious seems to think I may be doing this alone.

Is that really true?

Is this a false dichotomy?

I don't know yet.

In other news, I spent almost a thousand dollars on a new professional wardrobe yesterday, and I set myself to the task of learning everything I could about how to master this set of tools.

It is clear that I am serious about escaping from this particular containment camp. One way or another, I will get out.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Comments

[cobraemt.livejournal.com]

Just know that you are never alone

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

You are so -very- not alone.
I'm proud of you! Expanding your tool box fiercely. We should talk sometime about "femme as a gender". The fact that it made me defensive and snarky, once a long time ago, made me go work on that, and learn about it. Social capital and habitus crossing yo!
And, tell me about the clothes and shoes?! Where are the pictures?!
Loving you.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Photos coming!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

love that flexible habitus...

[arielmn.livejournal.com]

You aren't alone. However, I think the first step in your journey is one only you can take.

**In the dream** you had a choice to wait for others or to move on your own. You have made that choice. I think, if the dream had continued you would have found support, maybe not where it was expected, but you would have been helped on your journey.

In real life, you still needed to make the move. Your trip shopping showed you are taking those steps and those helping you there may not have been the people you initially thought would be there.

My 2.5 cents

I am here to support however I can.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Very wise, Ariel.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[thunderpigeon.livejournal.com]

I used to believe that the reason we never remember how a dream ends is because we only remember the dream if we wake up in the middle. Until someone pointed out to me that dreams aren't bound by the same narrative structures as stories--and we don't remember how they end because they're about conflicts that haven't finished playing themselves out.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to do something very presumptuous here:

I think if this dream were to have a sequel, some years down the line, it would likely start with you on the outside, having escaped on your own, finding some new friends, but also meeting again with people you knew when you were inside. You will ask them how they escaped, and some will tell you. But there are others who never needed to escape, because they were already on the outside, even while they were with you int the containment camp.

How'd I do?

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

I am *so* happy that you came to my journal.

[thunderpigeon.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Or you're welcome. Not sure which the appropriate response is here.

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

wow.

re:the clothes! yes! (you know Havi Brook blogged a few months ago aboyt this very thign: she was trying Biggify her thing, she had to create an identity to run the Biggifed thing, and the identity, which she named the Director, needed a wardrobe that was not appropraite for doing yoga in. So scary for Havi! to spend money on grown up lady clothes. The very idea! But she did it, and I've been nibbling at these edges myself. I'm so happy you dd this!)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Learning more about it today.

I am also Biggifying my things.

[divalion.livejournal.com]

I think maybe the fact that you didn't know what happened to your co-escapees is significant; who knows if they were trapped, or if *they* found a breach opportunity that might close if they waited for your appointed meeting, and had to trust that you would get out ok without them if they took it?

Perhaps it's not so much a question of going it alone vs. having companions along the way. Perhaps it's a question of making your move, initiating your key changes, when *you* are ready and when *you* have the opportunity, and not basing it on whether others are ready at the same time. Perhaps it's more about trusting that you'll rendezvous with others later, expecting that you'll all catch up to each other at some point.

It's like people who want to start eating better but say they "can't" because their family won't join them...or smokers who "can't" quit because their smoker friends won't. What often happens is that one person recognizes that they have to just stop waiting for anyone else to join them, and they start doing the new thing, and slowly it influences others around them to change too. (And sometimes it doesn't, but the person still refused to be limited by making their progress dependent on things they can't control, like the behavior of others.)

So that's my take on your dream. Also my diva heart swells with joy at this description of your new wardrobe. =) Are you looking for-- or do you have-- a reliable local tailor and shoe repair place? I find both to be essential to having and maintaining an excellent wardrobe.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"Perhaps it's not so much a question of going it alone vs. having companions along the way. Perhaps it's a question of making your move, initiating your key changes, when *you* are ready and when *you* have the opportunity, and not basing it on whether others are ready at the same time. Perhaps it's more about trusting that you'll rendezvous with others later, expecting that you'll all catch up to each other at some point."

I think this is a key piece of my inner work. When I figure out what I need to do, I simply need to do it and trust that others will do what is best for them.

This is made easier for me by the idea that mostly, people save themselves. Help is critical---really, really critical---but I think we mostly underestimate what others are able to do *for themselves*.

And we also tend to underestimate what we are capable of, so it's easy to fall into patterns where we depend on each other to do the things for us that we can really only do very well---in the most authentic and true way---for ourselves.

My dream-self may have been feeling mostly loneliness, and sadness at being apart from others, and been covering that up with worry about abandoning them. It's easier to worry than feel sad, right?

Yeah, I guess it's all about trusting myself to do the right thing and trusting everyone else to do the same. Then, if we cross paths later, everyone will have gotten there under their own steam and have something good and unique to share.

****

Yes, honey, I have a tailor and just at the end of last year I found a shoe repair shop.

You would have loved Neiman Marcus. I found some lovely $5000 jackets that fit just right (laughing...)

Still working on picking things out, though. Not moving quite as fast as I'd like on that.

There was one moment created just for you:

We were walking through the place and Stephanie was urging me to look at things and pick out possibilities. I had the rules I'd learned in my head:

1. Jacket must have a waist
2. Buttons are better lower on the jacket to create a long "V" under the neck
3. Buttons or closure must cinch waist snuggly
4. Darker fits me better and is more professional

So I'm walking through the place looking at jackets with real zeal...(" I am gonna GET this!")...and Stephanie stops in front of a white jacket with no tight closure---no buttons at all---and suggests that I pull it off the rack and try it on. It does have a waist---and it has a cool modern feel and oddly angular cut---but it breaks tons of the "rules".

I am skeptical and I protest ("Is she trying to fake me out?") but I try it on.

It is GORGEOUS.

"Why?" I whine. "WHY is it gorgeous? It breaks ALL THE RULES!"

Stephanie smiles softly and waits. (Any minute, she is gonna say, "Now Grasshopper...").

"OK," I say, and start analyzing it. "The internal angle created by the fit of this jacket is so slimming and so striking that it doesn't matter that it won't close and cinch. The eye is drawn to the two inner, converging triangles that create the illusion of a tiny waist."

"GOOD!" she says. "You're getting it."

You would have been so proud.

But we still have a ways to go. Later, I saw some colorful pieces in a central display area and said, "I think that's the Latino/minority area. There's colors over there and it's not all black and beige. Let's go and take a look."

And then she sighed reverently and said, "That's Alexander [somebody], the reigning king of design."

Whatever!

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

McQueen. His name is Alexander McQueen.
Why do I know this?
Oh yes, he makes the most amazing SHOES.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

You KNOW this???

Wow. I couldn't even remember his name.

Poor Stephanie, she kept encouraging me and trying to throw me a bone: "See, you know who Louis Vuitton is! Good!"

I'm just chuckling. But heck, if rocket scientist formerly-rejecting-all-femmy-stuff chick knows this, I guess I should learn a little bit more about it.

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

I'm learning myself in unexpected ways. Some of them feel very good. I'm enjoying watching you metamorphasize as well. And you're so much easier to dress than me, shape wise. Once we can convince -you- that you are as stunningly beautiful as the rest of the world knows you are, this will be a piece of cake.
Has justusgirlz hooked you on the crack that is www.sephora.com yet? It is the gateway drug of quality cosmetics.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I like sephora---it has things that look and smell beautiful.

[justusgirlz.livejournal.com]

Alexander McQueen :D

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I will try to remember. Then, someday when I can afford one awesomely perfect Alexander McQueen piece, I will know where to go.

But wait! I wrote down my notes like you suggested and I should look first for... (checking)...

Rachel Zoe and Armani.

Cool. Will practice looking on web.

[citabria]

Yes, I can definitely see you in Armani -- it's the right lines.

Sort-of related, I love that Steve, my officemate, looks great in Armani and every now and then starts looking for suit-sale season. Incredible fabric and cut every time. I'd be excited to see you in the women's version!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Someday, maybe.

[catbirdgirl.livejournal.com]

I would love to hear about what you got. I happen to adore clothing and I think you would be fun to dress. One of my favorite things about clothing swaps is getting the amazing things onto people who look great on them. its like personal shopper for other people.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, you and Stephanie would really groove on each other. She loves this too, and is great at it.

I will totally post pics soon.

I bought two skirt suits, two pairs of pumps (matte and patent), two skinny skinny belts that match the shoes and go over the suits, two skirts, 8 tops, and super high-end stockings.

No bag yet.

Cannot yet face the bag thing.

They are so frickin' hideous and so very expensive. I know this matters. I have to wait a little bit longer before I can go back and engage in this stuff.

Plus, I spent $1000, which is fine, but I want to just pay my bills (which I can do in full), look at my little pile of remaining expendable dollars and chillax before I go back and re-engage in Round 2.


I think my reality has shifted enough for a week or two.

I've gone from a "Who cares?" attitude and a "What professional shopping?" reality to a "Yes, ma'am!" attitude and a "Nordstrom's is the low end" reality.

That is PLENTY for me to integrate over the next week or two or three.

I will figure out the bag thing in a temporary way for tomorrow and then pick up something for next month.

[catbirdgirl.livejournal.com]

think about designer consignment shops once you know what you need. Actually, they are also good places for bags.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

That is good advice---and I like consignment shops. Consignment and thrift shops say 'adventure'.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

In the meantime...

I bought this:

http://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/browse/product.jsp?maxRec=22&pageId=1&productId=570041236&viewAll=&prd=Swirl+Print+Pencil+Skirt&subCatId=cat6179299&color=&fromSearch=&inSeam=&posId=12&catId=cat210002&cat=Dresses++Skirts+Sheaths++Pencils&onSale=&colorFamily=&maxPg=2&size=

And this in black to go with it and other things:

http://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/browse/product.jsp?maxRec=123&pageId=1&productId=570042635&viewAll=&prd=Cropped+Pointelle+Cardigan&subCatId=&color=&fromSearch=&inSeam=&posId=11&catId=cat210001&cat=Tops&onSale=&colorFamily=&maxPg=8&size=

The suits are very, very femmy: sweet but slick. Swishy, swirly bottoms on a basic pencil skirt outline.

Walking in the pumps requires practice and probably sticky pads in the shoes.

But it looks GREAT!

[catbirdgirl.livejournal.com]

cute! I was thinking you'd get something more neutral, but I can TOTALLY see you in these things. VERY cute.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Yes - what others have said. It does feel like the dream is about the realisation that you need to move yourself, even when people you love appear at that moment not to have made the same decision.

And besides, until you've got out successfully, how can you possibly get others out? In WWII, the reason some of those officer escapes from POW camps were so successful was that British officers had a specific duty to escape and so tie up enemy forces' manpower and admin in the search. Many of them had "escaped" and been retrieved multiple times before finding a method that really worked AND could take others with them.

And each escape - even if brief - inspired others to make their own:

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

THIS. IS. AWESOME.


RUN!!!!!!


I love that he escaped in his underwear!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I love this so much I have to post twice---it fills me with glee to see him get away!

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

*Sigh* I could use this kind of help. I just need the budget and the opportunity! I'm *so* glad you're doing it---you are stunning and need to showcase it. :)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Well, it's kind of fun, and I'd be happy to join you sometime.

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

Alexander Somebody? Ay chica!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Hangs head in shame.

Not really.

Shame is pointless; learning is better.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

oh, damn---I have something I promised to send you. must keep my word!