Come to Jesus
Mar. 16th, 2012 11:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabrinamariThere are days in which you realize that at some time in the next five, ten, or twenty years, you will look back and say, "This was where it all happened. This is when the decisions were made."
Today is that day.
It began with a full-scale scholastic intervention involving almost all of Trent's teachers. Michael and I showed up at 8:10 on the dot and waited until everyone else arrived. Then we all sat together in a circle and spoke the truth about Trent. Trent's mother, his stepfather, Michael and I all listened, watched and encouraged his teachers to talk. Then we each spoke ourselves. I taped the whole meeting and took notes.
All his teachers said exactly the same thing:
"Trent is a brilliant, amazing child. He should be in AP classes: he makes 95s, 100s, and 104s on all of his exams. And he turns in 20% or less of his homework. He loses tests that must be signed and brought back to class, he loses work sheets, he comes to classes late, and he isn't overly bothered by his extremely low homework-related scores.
He is exactly the kind of child who needs to be in honors classes if he is to stay excited and engaged. If he's not in AP classes, he'll just get more and more disconnected and bored. And he will never get into honors and AP classes until he starts turning in his homework, mastering his organizational skills and challenging himself."
We talked for 45 minutes, each of us speaking in turn, and then we brought in Trent to speak his truth and hear what we had to say.
When my turn came, I told Trent that our relationship must change. I can no longer relate to him as his big sister. I have to take parental responsibility and make sure that he is fully engaged and supported in making the changes he needs to make so he has a shot at becoming the adult he really wants to be.
There were many tears. It was good.
Afterwards, I talked to each of his teachers, agreeing to stay in touch with them as we implement our new joint action plan.
Then I asked Michael if we could go to breakfast together and have our own meeting to plan what we are going to do in order to make our own changes.
While we were at breakfast, I ran our own come-to-Jesus meeting.
I explained that I was no longer willing to live the way we have been living, and that in every part of my life, I am at a crossroads. I laid out exactly how this is happening in concrete detail. Then I told him that the decisions we make today will impact us, our child, our marriage and the course of our careers for the next decade or two to come.
Michael listened very carefully, and I am confident that he heard everything I said.
Things that must change:
* Both our careers
* Our household income
* Our parenting style---it needs to be modified
* My way of connecting to my parents and siblings
* My approach to creating and engaging in relationships of all kinds
* His approach to managing his brain and his relationship to substances of all kinds
There is probably more.
Because Michael is my husband, he has no choice but to engage with me in a process of continuous transformation. No one stays with me without submitting willingly to self-examination and profound self-revision.
But for now, I think we are all in a subtle form of shock.
I'm pretty comfortable, though. I am very good in emergencies and moments of critical breakdown. I can trust myself to make good decisions and treat everyone with loving respect no matter what is happening. I can also trust myself to take good care of myself beautifully---a newly developed skill for me.
I was made for transformative change.
I am very much at peace.
Today is that day.
It began with a full-scale scholastic intervention involving almost all of Trent's teachers. Michael and I showed up at 8:10 on the dot and waited until everyone else arrived. Then we all sat together in a circle and spoke the truth about Trent. Trent's mother, his stepfather, Michael and I all listened, watched and encouraged his teachers to talk. Then we each spoke ourselves. I taped the whole meeting and took notes.
All his teachers said exactly the same thing:
"Trent is a brilliant, amazing child. He should be in AP classes: he makes 95s, 100s, and 104s on all of his exams. And he turns in 20% or less of his homework. He loses tests that must be signed and brought back to class, he loses work sheets, he comes to classes late, and he isn't overly bothered by his extremely low homework-related scores.
He is exactly the kind of child who needs to be in honors classes if he is to stay excited and engaged. If he's not in AP classes, he'll just get more and more disconnected and bored. And he will never get into honors and AP classes until he starts turning in his homework, mastering his organizational skills and challenging himself."
We talked for 45 minutes, each of us speaking in turn, and then we brought in Trent to speak his truth and hear what we had to say.
When my turn came, I told Trent that our relationship must change. I can no longer relate to him as his big sister. I have to take parental responsibility and make sure that he is fully engaged and supported in making the changes he needs to make so he has a shot at becoming the adult he really wants to be.
There were many tears. It was good.
Afterwards, I talked to each of his teachers, agreeing to stay in touch with them as we implement our new joint action plan.
Then I asked Michael if we could go to breakfast together and have our own meeting to plan what we are going to do in order to make our own changes.
While we were at breakfast, I ran our own come-to-Jesus meeting.
I explained that I was no longer willing to live the way we have been living, and that in every part of my life, I am at a crossroads. I laid out exactly how this is happening in concrete detail. Then I told him that the decisions we make today will impact us, our child, our marriage and the course of our careers for the next decade or two to come.
Michael listened very carefully, and I am confident that he heard everything I said.
Things that must change:
* Both our careers
* Our household income
* Our parenting style---it needs to be modified
* My way of connecting to my parents and siblings
* My approach to creating and engaging in relationships of all kinds
* His approach to managing his brain and his relationship to substances of all kinds
There is probably more.
Because Michael is my husband, he has no choice but to engage with me in a process of continuous transformation. No one stays with me without submitting willingly to self-examination and profound self-revision.
But for now, I think we are all in a subtle form of shock.
I'm pretty comfortable, though. I am very good in emergencies and moments of critical breakdown. I can trust myself to make good decisions and treat everyone with loving respect no matter what is happening. I can also trust myself to take good care of myself beautifully---a newly developed skill for me.
I was made for transformative change.
I am very much at peace.
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 03:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 03:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 03:56 pm (UTC)I am assuming that this is a broad-strokes summary of what involved a fair amount of detail and specific expectations of how Trent is expected to change and what specifically is expected of and provided to him. Trent has a condition within his mind that, whatever the best of intentions and plans, will not allow him to make these changes just because he wants to, as I'm sure he desperately does.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 04:07 pm (UTC)I was that kid. There doesn't seem to be any reason to do the homework when you know the information anyway. It's boring, draining, and a waste of time. Sheer torturous drudgery produced by a system that seems like it is designed to make you miserable. This misery continues until college, sadly. I was SO happy when I got to a University where classes were at my level. Sighs.
I don't know what to say beyond encouraging Trent to engage on some level other than the academics that are being presented currently. Being a musician saved my life. Quite literally. I spent all of junior high and high school in the band room, sometimes illicitly. I went on every field trip there was to avoid class. AND, I performed better, exam wise when I didn't have to waste time listening to the drivel that the teachers were spewing. This caused fantastic levels of antagonism between me and the teachers. I remember a math teacher trying to fail me on unauthorized absences when I had a 104 average in his class. Lucky for me, I learned the skill of CYA early, and had signed notes for any time I wasn't in his classroom.
The only solution I can see goes something like: Putting up with the BS that is the public school system is the price for doing what we love with the rest of our time. Part of that price is homework and organization. This has nothing to do with learning, it has to do with life being unfair and difficult. This is fantastic practice for when we have jobs we hate, or parts of adult jobs that are annoying and boring. (A personal example, the cost of doing the math and science that I loved was creating endless dumbed down Power Point presentations that managers who knew nothing about what I actually did could understand. This is roughly equivalent to homework work sheets!)
My father, who is an incredibly wise man, phrased it best. "Right now, your JOB is to get the grades that will enable you to get into a school where you will be happy, and have a career that feeds you!"
I have no idea if this is at all useful to you. But, there it is.
I also offer myself as a mentor for Trent, who's been where he is.
If he needs to bitch, scream, vent, etc. My email and cell phone are available!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 04:11 pm (UTC)You had a parent-teacher meeting where everyone was honest? That ROCKS! (It's also pretty sad that I think this is unusual. I'm really hoping it's not unusual these days, and it's just my age speaking.)
It sounds like a really good start for getting Trent the support he needs - and all his parents the support they need.
Isn't it funny how relieved and peaceful we feel after tough conversations where we told our truths and listened to the other person(s) involved? So much dread in the build-up, and yet they're more likely than not to turn out well (at least move us forward in the right direction). It's all about the use of fear, isn't it?
May all things be healed and well.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 05:19 pm (UTC)this
and that.
talk to you sunday morning. bet that.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 07:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 08:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-16 10:12 pm (UTC)