More challenges

[sabrinamari]

Dear gods, the challenges just keep coming. Little guy is really struggling with school---not because the material is hard, but because he can't manage the organization needed to switch between so many teachers, so many classes and so many daily homework assignments. We got two emails today from two separate teachers---one worried because he is always late to his third period class and the other because he has only turned in 1 out of 10 assignments in the last marking period.

This kind of thing has been going on since he started a new, more complex schedule at the beginning of the year. His mother is understandably livid and almost at the end of her rope, and so is striking out in anger. I understand how helpless and frustrated she must feel---she's been trying to change this pattern since September. Little guy, on the other hand, feels totally overwhelmed by the continual pressure to organize himself at school and now he's sad and upset at all the anger at his mom's house.

I'm not sure what to do. I just pulled Trent and Michael together, encouraged Trent to talk about what he's feeling and then proposed that we start regular, non-punitive email communication with his teachers. I also think we should actually walk the route with him at least once from his second period class to his third period class, carrying all his books, to get a handle on the actual problems in getting there on time. I suggested that his dad also have a sit down with his mom, and then later, that all three of them talk.

There were many tears, but we seemed to make progress. I think we should move entirely away from a punitive model to a coaching-style model, investigating each problem first-hand, brainstorming possible solutions, testing them, and adjusting the plan accordingly.

I don't think a punitive approach will work: this is not something that happens because of malice, or because Trent is a bad kid. And while his mom is very angry, it's totally understandable, given the persistent and serious nature of this problem. This whole thing is really about helping Trent work with his brain to solve the organizational problems that repeatedly trip him up. We need to figure out how to do this without setting off family fireworks and *well* before he begins castigating himself and feeling useless.

It's also about improving his/our communication with his mom and figuring out how we can all work together as a team. Michael, Trent and his mom also need to figure out how to deal with all the stressed and angry feelings that are starting to come up for everyone involved.

I guess we'll just do our best.

And I don't have my prep work done for tomorrow's class. I should have emailed my students about tomorrow night's class already.

There are also two other very important emails I have to write. How in the hell am I going to get this all done?

This is going to be a very interesting week.

Comments

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

Has M considered that T might have an ADD situation going on in his mind? Complex (or even simple) organizational tasks are often a huge challenge to such folk. And if they are as smart as T is, it might be later in life that such problems are identified because the kid is SO good at covering and coping. This is not to say that the answer is to medicate the situation, but sometimes knowing the problem can help find the right coping skills.

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

Having spent time with T, I think that jasminwind's point is more a given than a guess. T is a person for whom the traditional classroom learning model is going to be a continual challenge. I agree that learning coping skills now, rather than in high school or college, like many brilliant and non-neurotypical, students do would be a great advantage. And yes, it's emotional. Hugs to your family.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thanks, nyx. I suspect that I am going to spend a lot of time learning how to help Trent find his way through the educational system.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Yes. In fact, our household's working assumption is that both Michael and Trent have very gifted ADD brains.

This adds to my frustration with punitive approaches. While it's possible, I think, to partially rewire a brain, I think it's better to try and work with its natural strengths whenever possible, at least in a case like this, and to explore useful coping strategies.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

Not having had to deal with ADD brains as kids, before, I don't have those tools. I may need to do that in the future - or not. I don't know.

However, my nephew has difficulty remembering these things, and organizing work because of his autism. He uses an iPod Touch to manage them, and it works great for him.

* It's a TOOL, and his brain gets tools.
* It helps with beepy reminders about what needs to happen
* It helps get attention with flashy screens so that he sees the tasks he needs to do.

Just a thought - it works for him. It might work in other situations, like Trent's.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Think this may work. Michael's iPhone helps him in exactly the same way. Thank you!

This is really more for M than for you...

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

One of the key things for people to understand about an ADD brain is that the person cannot control their behavior which is impulsive/disorganized/distracted/slow/spazzy/whatever. That lack of control is frustrating for adults (like his mom) especially when the person is so highly functioning in other ways. It is also very hard on the kids - they can't really understand how other people manage to do the things they can't (especially when they can do so many other things well) and they pick up on the underlying message of the adult frustration that the kid is somehow to blame for what is happening.

I will say, I struggled to help A understand her brain in less pigeon-holey/more qualitative ways for a long time but there came a time when she wanted to know, thumbs up or thumbs down if she had ADHD. Though I squirmed, I answered. It turns out that the diagnosis has been a relief to her - it gives her an explanation and a way of understanding why things are hard for her that are not hard for other people. It gives her a lens through which to see all the qualitative differences. She likes her diagnosis and her "brain goggles" (what we call the meds - b/c they work when they are in your system but don't work when you aren't 'wearing' them, also goggles are goofier than glasses :-) ) And the process of medicating her has been a lesson in responsibility and self-awareness for A. She is not a disruptive sort of ADD-haver so we have to take her word for it when she says that meds are or are not working and we have adjusted things according to her word alone. Her pediatrician takes her seriously, her dad & I take her seroously and she takes herself seriously.

I strongly recommend that M and T's mom get some professional support for themselves and T and to learn as much as possible about helping ADD kids learn to manage their lives. Even though, he is academically doing well, in fact *because* he is doing well. At some point, his inborn coping mechanisms will not be sufficient and he's struggle more than he's struggling now and he won't have tools to deal with it. Whether it is in high school or in college or when he starts working at a career, it happens to most ADD people and they stumble. It puts them at greater risk of unhealthy stress coping behaviors - drugs, relationship patterns, food - and that puts their lives at risk.

This may sound extreme but as someone who struggled with occult ADD and was smart and high functioning, I can see many ways that some help, support, tools and understanding of my brain would have been a wonderful thing and saved me from a lot of bad and "there but for the grace of God go I" choices I made as an adolescent and young adult. The science and the sociology weren't caught up to my needs at the time, but they are now and M & T's mom can take advantage of them!

Re: This is really more for M than for you...

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Larissa, this is REALLY helpful. Thank you!

[castalusoria.livejournal.com]

As an adult who's looking at getting evaluated for ADD, and who was probably in this boat as a kid (all those "helpful" report card notes that say "easily distracted" and "not working to her full potential" and "difficulty concentrating" and "difficulty completing tasks" lay a nice paper trail)... I'm great at staying on track in my personal life-- but life in the office has been getting progressively more difficult, and my new environment/task set in the position I moved to a year ago has become really hard to do each day-- not because I don't like the work, or don't make lists... I can't stay focused, and the accountability stuff seems to always stay just-out of my grasp. Working on it. But it's tough!

[justusgirlz.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear this. As I'm sure you know, if there is any way that I can help my little monkey - I am here and fully supportive of his growth, I am always happy to help, in whatever capacity I can give, (and to you and M.) Love to all 3 of you!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you, honey!

[evaelisabeth.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to say that Trent is truly blessed to have you in his life. I worry about what we put our kids through in school these days.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thanks, darlin'. My intent is good, but my *parenting*, per se, needs some sharpening

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

I hesitated to answer here last night, but I must agree with those who suggest ADD or ADHD. My Jason was diagnosed ADHD after he declared that "Death is good" by writing it on his bedroom wall. That scared the crap out of me---I got him to a doctor, fast. His school had been pushing Ritalin at him---I resisted, saying that his pediatrician would tell me when and if he needed medication. After the writing incident, I took him back to the pediatrician, talked to him about medication, and his suggestion was a lifesaver for all of us.

He suggested I get Jason to a behavioral therapist before any drugs were administered. They were specialists in diagnosing what were behavioral problems as opposed to a true attention deficit problem. His referral was to Dr. Alice Heisler at the University of Maryland Behavioral Clinic---she was awesome. IN one session, she told me that his problem was definitely ADHD, not behavioral, and that she could help him learn coping mechanisms. She also told me that he would not "outgrow" this condition---there is a chemical in the brain that is missing or inadequate. This chemical acts as a sort of "switchboard operator" for all of the stuff coming into the brain, sorting it into the proper places. In ADD/ADHD folks, the operator goes to sleep and doesn't function. Ritalin, or stimulant drugs like it, wake up the sleepy operator so that it can do it's job, which calms down the frazzled kid (or adult!) enough to be able to take it from there.

It was a lif esaver for us. especially Jason. He hated taking the medicine for a while, because he had to take it twice a day---once at school---which he felt made him different from the other kids. When we were abgle to go to the sustained-release form, he was happier about taking the medicine, although he never really wanted to. He was lucky, too---the only eal side effect he had was a loss of hair right after he began taking the medication, which was temporary and not extreme.

I do not advocate taking medication that is not needed. I do, however think that everyone would benefit from seeing a behavioral psychiatrist or psychologist to develop strategies for Trent that will serve him well for the rest of his life. Jason's lifesaver was STAR--Stop, Think, Act, React (or Re-evaluate. It was a big word for a little kid, so we went with React.) We had that word plastered everywhere so he would see it and remember. It really did help.

Punitive measures won't do a bit of good with an ADD person because consequences aren't in the picture. They just don't think about them until they're faced with them. Not only that, but what works as a punitivemeausre today most liekly won't work tomorrow---you're constantly reinventing the wheel. These kids don't WANT to be ornery---it just happens. They really want to succees, but can't figure out how, and get frustrated because opthers are doing it with apparent ease while they struggle---and then they feel inadequate and stupid and a whole host of things that put them into such a negative spiral that some of them never recover.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Sorry---I got wordy! LOL

See your doctors. Get a solid, firm diagnosis, one way or another---and from several doctors, not just one. Make sure all the bases are covered. Fight like tigers for Trent, and fight some more---because ADHD/ADD is considered a disability under the ADA, and if he is diagnosed and is being treated, then he has access to special help if he needs it. Insist on it. Make the school work for Trent---not the other way around. And give Trent all the love and support he can handle, and then some. And NO BLAME. Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for something you didn't see, or for bad biology, or all the million other things that can happen when a kid isn't "normal" in this society. (Horrible word, isn't it? Like we know what's "normal"!)

Trent is a bright, funny, thinking kid. Most ADD kids are---which is why they hurt so much when they can't do something that seems so easy for everyone else. It's emotional, it's physical, it's just a mess for these kids. Trent already has a good start, in that you and Michael love him dearly and work with him.

You can do this. It will be hard, it will be more than challenging, it will be nerve-racking and frustrating---but you can do this. I have always said that Jason was the challenge of my life. I found my voice, because I had to fight for him. I found my own thinking skills were sharpened, because I had to devise ways to teach him. I found that I could do anything, and I could stand up for myself and my kid in ways I had never imagined.

It's a long journey but SO worth it all. Hugs. I'm here if you need.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Sharon, your responses here have been really, really helpful. THANK YOU!

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

This sounds familiar. I won't add to all the diagnostic stuff people have already posted.

We had an IEP and 504 with the school. They required the teachers to provide certain kinds of help: checking to make sure he had the books he needed, allowing him to return to class to get books. His school is so used to this that all the GT classes are adjacent; one teacher said there's a constant stream of kids going back and forth to get stuff. We've found that nerdier teachers are much more tolerant of disorganizational quirks.

Glimmer of hope: I never once remembered my spelling homework on Wednesdays. It got to the point where I would walk in the door, drop my backpack, and yell, "I'm going back for my spelling homework!" Now I teach the Franklin Covey class on Focus.

Which brings me to:"How in the hell am I going to get this all done?" You are perennially stressed about being over-extended. Make shorter lists. Pace yourself.

Hugs!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm, if we could get a diagnosis, we could get the educational structure on board. That would REALLY help, I think.

I know there's lots of hope and many possibilities. I just needed some brainstorming (which I got) and directions to investigate (also achieved, thanks to friends).

Now I just need to manage my own quite moderate hold on organization so I don't add to the problem. In this house, I am the strongest organizer (be afraid...be VERY afraid) and I need to do some oversight on Trent, Michael's business and my own stuff.

It would help if I had a better handle on my own ENFP weaknesses----a strong tendency to pile on too many projects at once, too many friends (only in terms of organization, not on terms of love) and too little natural talent for creating and maintaining structure.

HOWEVER, like you, I will circle this problem relentlessly until I forge this weakness into a strength.

Gods know I've done this a thousand times---I will simply do it again.

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

On my own list of Things To Do is to develop my own class on organization and prioritization, designed for pagans. I've started research, but it's a big topic worthy of detailed investigation. I promise to workshop my workshop on you! :-)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

That will be useful!

[jr0124.livejournal.com]

Jean is an LCSW and is able to do evaluations and diagnosis. If you'd like, i can talk to her and see if she'd be willing to see T for a few sessions. I'm not sure if T's school would require assessment by a psychiatrist, too, but an LCSW's diagnosis couldn't hurt. Let me know offline, if you'd like.

[akrissy.livejournal.com]

Since I am surrounded by this now, I have to mention it...
More than a few practitioners around me have talked about acupuncture as a successful treatment to help kids get more focused and balanced within themselves. Especially as they are growing internally and externally.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty damn willing to entertain CAM options. Any recommendations for local-to-me practitioners?

[akrissy.livejournal.com]

Remind me (in email or as you wish) your home city name. I'll find out if there are any Tai graduates in that area. (good time for me to find out how the school does alumni referrals :) Tai teaches from primarily 5element theory which might resonate with you differently than TCM.

Ask and ye shall receive...

[zammis.livejournal.com]

http://www.tai.edu/Practitioners.aspx

[akrissy.livejournal.com]

Wow, watching my universe fold. It's like magic ;)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Funny, me too.

[glenmarshall.livejournal.com]

I seriously hate it when kids are preemptively medicated to make them fit in a more "normal" category.

Some people are mis-diagnosed with ADD and may have another condition entirely. Get second and third opinions. For example, it could be a dietary issue or a food allergy, hypoglycemia, Asperger's, a normal and treatable anxiety reaction to his parents being separate, a neurological condition like petit mal, or some other behavioral issue. The choices of treatments are many, and some choices are harmful if the diagnosis is wrong. Ritalin is one of those choices than can be horrible and delay needed treatments.

Getting all the necessary tests will be a burden for all of you, especially T, so your efforts to enroll him in the process are GREAT.