And Lojong for today...

[sabrinamari]

Don't wait in ambush.

Commentary: Don't wait for the moment when someone you don't like is weak to let them have it. This may bring immediate satisfaction, but in the long run it poisons you.

Lojong slogan 32, The Compassion Box, Pema Chodron

[59 Buddhist Teachings on Living Life with Fearlessness and Compassion, translated by the Nalanda Translation Committee, with commentary by Pema Chodron]

****

I'm good with this. After years of striking out in anger, I figured out that it actually made me feel worse about myself in the long run. And well after the other person was gone, I still had to live with whatever I had said/done/hurled at them.

I can't remember most of the awful things Ken said to me during our many years of mutual anguish, but I still remember exactly what I screamed at him in the parking lot of my new apartment after we broke up. Yuck.

So I look at this particular Lojong slogan as a kind of "healthily selfish" guideline. As lovely as it is to spare someone you don't like a swipe to the heart, it's even better to spare yourself the loss of self-esteem and self-respect that inevitably follow.

Comments

[catpaw67.livejournal.com]

Wise words!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

It is also good to have a friend who will laugh indulgently at you as you run around the house screaming expletives.

: )

[angiedub.livejournal.com]

And see what interesting conversations you start. You are wonderful; definitely NOT dumbass (http://sabrinamari.livejournal.com/768686.html)!

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Revenge is a dish best served its walking papers.

I manage to CBT my way through the urge for revenge. In my case, it manifests as the desire to prove how very RIGHT I am by imagining scenarios in which X allows me the opportunity to smite them with a trenchant comment that leaves everyone in no doubt that I am wise and admirable and RIGHT. I point out to myself that a) I am handing over my power, b) I am hooked in my shenpa here, so c) there's a reason I'm thinking like this which bears sitting with, and anyway d) it's like pouring sulphuric acid down my throat in the belief that it'll burn X and not me, and - last, but not least - e) I know I'd never manage to pull it off anyway, so it's all rather pointless.

The sitting with it bit takes ages, mainly because I spend so much time avoiding it.

Still, it turns out that life is a lot easier when I'm not spending so much energy being angryangryangry.

What's the betting there's a whole new (aka old) stratum waiting to be excavated?

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Being angry is both painful and tedious. Sometimes it's necessary, at least for awhile, but once it has been acknowledged, listened to and processed, I see no real use for it.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Actually, that's not quite true. Anger can help you remember not to allow others to abuse you in the future.

It's also useful as a reminder and helper not to internalize whatever oppression/harm has been done to you: in other words, its helps you to refrain from doing to yourself what others have already done to you.

For gods' sake, don't help anyone hurt to you!

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Anger's there to tell you that there is something very wrong that needs looking at. Not paying attention to anger is like ignoring the red traffic light and then being traumatised when you slam into the big lorry. Whether the lorry should have been there, or going at that speed, or the driver should have been paying more attention's kind of beside the point.

When I pay attention to my anger, it tells me what's up. When I don't pay attention to it, it takes over. It's supposed to be a survival mechanism, not a death wish.

[angiedub.livejournal.com]

Being angry and holding onto anger aren't the same. I have people ask, after they know my story, why I haven't "done anything" to my ex. They think it's passivity on my part, but mostly it's because I have the example of my mother holding on to her anger with my father (HER ex) for over 40 years, and wanting to NOT be that stunted. 40 YEARS!!!
I'm learning to turn the ENERGY from the anger into productive pursuits.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Brilliant!

[eoma-p.livejournal.com]

My first thought was, is it okay to strike out at someone I don't like when they're feeling strong? I don't think that was the intention though.

I suspect the universe and I are going to be working on handling anger this year. It keeps coming up...

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

"My first thought was, is it okay to strike out at someone I don't like when they're feeling strong?"

Laughing...just laughing!

[zammis.livejournal.com]

I think of this as "kicking puppies". Its not like your vomiting anger/pain/whathaveyou at them will change anything. And you still kicked a puppy.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

That's a very useful twist on the situation, zammis. Well said!

[angiedub.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think of it as "going home and kicking the cat because you're mad at the boss". The cat didn't make you angry, your boss did, but you don't feel you had the power to tell your boss about your anger, so you kick the innocent cat instead.