Meditation: Not a peaceful entry
Jan. 10th, 2012 03:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabrinamariThis post is about learning how to die over and over again, and why you would want to do that.
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The classic Buddhist method for dealing with difficult emotions is to become very curious about them, so curious that you are willing to do anything---whatever it takes---to explore and understand them.
The primary technique for this is mindfulness meditation. The goal of mindfulness meditation is to sit quietly and pay *total attention* to exactly what you are thinking and feeling.
Meditation is not about changing yourself.
Meditation is about learning to stop lying to yourself.
There are times when this process is unbelievably, excruciatingly horrible.
You sit there, quietly, with your whole attention focused on exactly what you are experiencing. As each thought arises---each painful, cruel or agonizing thought---you look straight at it, and with great tenderness, you say "thinking." Then you drop whatever story you've just been telling yourself and experience what it means to feel your way through it.
Then you do that 100 more times.
This is sometimes like being slowly burned alive while you focus all of your attention on exactly how it feels to have your skin crisp up, blacken in front of your face and fall off while you watch.
You learn to just sit there with the feeling of burning alive.
And you don't do anything about it. You don't scream, you don't strike out at anyone, you don't take drugs to numb yourself, you don't drink to shut down your chattering brain. You don't do whatever habitual, desperate routines you've adopted to shield yourself from anguish.
You just fucking sit there and experience it. And then you forgive yourself and let it go. Over and over again.
Just thinking about this makes my hands shake.
But the thing is, it's like standing up in front of a firing squad again and again and again until you learn to be OK with dying.
And it's practice.
It's practice for the rest of your life. After you do this _____ times it does change you. Eventually, you find yourself facing someone or something that makes you long to scream with rage and despair, and you know how to just sit there and let it wash over you, without killing them or striking out.
And you can forgive them, and forgive yourself, because you really, really, really, fucking understand what it is to suffer, and in that horrible moment, you get just how much they are suffering, and you grasp how terrible it is for them---the same desperate terror that it is for you.
And that's what mindfulness meditation is.
And you know what? No matter how long you do it, you will never stop feeling pain. Never.
You will simply learn to live in detente with the pain, and later, you and pain will exist in something like collaborative acceptance.
That's it.
Sometimes the feelings you sit with are positive, loving, seductive, or transcendent.
In that case, the process is still the same, and so is the goal: recognition, acceptance and collaborative co-existence with who and what you are.
As you sit, you're not trying to change anything about yourself or the world. You're just trying to see it, and yourself, as it is, and live with these things as they are.
****
The classic Buddhist method for dealing with difficult emotions is to become very curious about them, so curious that you are willing to do anything---whatever it takes---to explore and understand them.
The primary technique for this is mindfulness meditation. The goal of mindfulness meditation is to sit quietly and pay *total attention* to exactly what you are thinking and feeling.
Meditation is not about changing yourself.
Meditation is about learning to stop lying to yourself.
There are times when this process is unbelievably, excruciatingly horrible.
You sit there, quietly, with your whole attention focused on exactly what you are experiencing. As each thought arises---each painful, cruel or agonizing thought---you look straight at it, and with great tenderness, you say "thinking." Then you drop whatever story you've just been telling yourself and experience what it means to feel your way through it.
Then you do that 100 more times.
This is sometimes like being slowly burned alive while you focus all of your attention on exactly how it feels to have your skin crisp up, blacken in front of your face and fall off while you watch.
You learn to just sit there with the feeling of burning alive.
And you don't do anything about it. You don't scream, you don't strike out at anyone, you don't take drugs to numb yourself, you don't drink to shut down your chattering brain. You don't do whatever habitual, desperate routines you've adopted to shield yourself from anguish.
You just fucking sit there and experience it. And then you forgive yourself and let it go. Over and over again.
Just thinking about this makes my hands shake.
But the thing is, it's like standing up in front of a firing squad again and again and again until you learn to be OK with dying.
And it's practice.
It's practice for the rest of your life. After you do this _____ times it does change you. Eventually, you find yourself facing someone or something that makes you long to scream with rage and despair, and you know how to just sit there and let it wash over you, without killing them or striking out.
And you can forgive them, and forgive yourself, because you really, really, really, fucking understand what it is to suffer, and in that horrible moment, you get just how much they are suffering, and you grasp how terrible it is for them---the same desperate terror that it is for you.
And that's what mindfulness meditation is.
And you know what? No matter how long you do it, you will never stop feeling pain. Never.
You will simply learn to live in detente with the pain, and later, you and pain will exist in something like collaborative acceptance.
That's it.
Sometimes the feelings you sit with are positive, loving, seductive, or transcendent.
In that case, the process is still the same, and so is the goal: recognition, acceptance and collaborative co-existence with who and what you are.
As you sit, you're not trying to change anything about yourself or the world. You're just trying to see it, and yourself, as it is, and live with these things as they are.
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no subject
Date: 2012-01-10 08:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-10 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 03:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-10 11:39 pm (UTC)It makes me think of the people
who experience this kind of pain
in their bodies
Many of whom have no mental
or spiritual preparation for it.
I had wondered why some people
choose to meditate on death.
Now i know.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-10 11:46 pm (UTC)Death is one topic that I, as a chronic pain person, don't actively meditate upon. It's too easy a choice. Death is a temptation that is always present, because then the pain stops, at least for a time.
So, I just repeat, "This moment is not -all- moments."
no subject
Date: 2012-01-10 11:50 pm (UTC)I did not mean to presume or intrude.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 03:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 03:53 pm (UTC)I think the answer is that human beings are strong, stronger than one would ever imagine.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 06:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 12:05 am (UTC)I love that.
Can I share this post with Tim?
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 01:15 am (UTC)And, then, my question to you about this is about doing this with the positive, uplifting thoughts, feelings, etc. Why would we want to let that part go?
I realize that letting go is very much a part of many spiritual paths, not being attached to an outcome, letting things flow as they will, etc. But, that's where my curiosity lies. It involves detachment, but sometimes, I know I want to hold on to the good uplifting things, and not let those things go too. I tend to get almost numb then, and yes, I'm balanced, but it's not a good or bad place to be, I just am.
But, excitement, and enthusiasm, and positive things feel lost with the negative. Love to hear your thoughts on this!
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 03:57 am (UTC)Grasping is just another way of self-medicating so you don't actually have to be fully present in the moment you are living right now.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 04:04 am (UTC)And some of that daydreaming is awesome and good. I don't think it should all go away. But the Buddhist practice of meditation is time set aside to really be here, now, in what actually is, and practicing a little more of this has real benefits. Being right here, right now, is a valuable skill to cultivate.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 02:08 pm (UTC)I definitely put a focus on being present at all times. But, I am human and also get distracted.
I also believe that there is a necessity to plan and prepare for the future. So, being present while making plans is also valid.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 02:32 am (UTC)Love, Me
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 03:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 03:59 am (UTC)*love*
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 04:52 pm (UTC)Being in detente with the pain is a useful skill, because it never leaves our lives -- if anything, it increases the longer we live.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 05:53 pm (UTC)I have been thinking lately about the four noble truths. Specifically, I've been pondering the first one: "Suffering is universal".
I've never been comfortable with this (who is?). I always looked at it and thought, no, joy is universal.
well, yes.
But there's just no avoiding suffering. If you're human, you're going to experience it. It's impossible to get smart enough or wise enough to avoid suffering. You can learn to make better choices which might lead to greater happiness, but suffering will show up sooner or later.
So I might as well confront it in a useful way.
I hate the thought of flailing uselessly, and letting something painful unfold without harvesting a single positive thing out of it.
That thought just offends me.
If I have to suffer, then by gods I will make it productive!
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 05:04 pm (UTC)The other thing is this: While I may be able to engage my center and quietly experience someone raging in my face, it doesn't necessarily mean I have to put up with another person attempting to hyjack my boundaries.
Those are my thoughts. Beyond the simple fact this practice is awesome. It also doesn't always get easier as time goes on. We aren't training in order to solve all of our problems. We are training to get better at utilizing tools to break down distraction.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 05:46 pm (UTC)Agreed. One of the places I am thinking about is how to balance responding with compassion with parrying abuse.
Being able to keep to your center and not strike out doesn't mean failing to stand up for yourself. I really want to get this balance right, so I can feel good about both staying calm and refusing to be a punching bag.
I'm still unclear about how to do this. I wish I could watch someone else who believes in this approach respond optimally to rageful emotional abuse. SOMEONE must know how to do this shit.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 06:54 pm (UTC)And, then again, maybe we try practicing it in the easy situations and move naturally to practicing in the harder ones, in which case we might not always notice the progress we've already made.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-12 11:07 am (UTC)The second thing to remember is that you can choose to react--or not. You can choose how to respond---and remember that while you are not responsible for the other person's actions, you are responsible for your own action/reaction. Even if the choice is to walk away, you have the choice.
The next thing I do is to process whatever was said to me. This is hard, because I tend to forget that rage has no reason or rationality, and only seeks to strike out in pain, using any weapon it can to do the most damage. I have to remember that I am essentially a worthwhile person, with a good brain and lots of love for people. If one person has a problem with something I've said or done, then that person needs to come to grips with it, with me, in a constructive manner. If that's not possible, then I have to evaluate what was said, how it was said, and see if there is any truth to it. If so, then work to be done! If not, then LET. IT. GO. Most times, the "let it go" part is where I wind up---it is the hardest thing in the universe to do---but it has to be done. It's all a part of that forgiveness thing that Coop was talking about---forgive the person for their outburst. Forgive yourself for not being perfect.
Forgiveness is not a "roll over on your back and show the universe your belly" thing, but it is an acknowledgement of the frailty of human beings in crisis. It is a compassionate reconciliation of obligation, bitterness, and resentment, and is really necessary for humans to be able to live sane, healthy lives.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-12 01:15 pm (UTC)"I have to remember that I am essentially a worthwhile person, with a good brain and lots of love for people."
This is the struggle for Integrity, isn't it? Remembering that it's there - that it's always there, even when we forget it.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-13 02:42 pm (UTC)We humans are a complicated lot, aren't we? And I love every minute! :)
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 05:31 pm (UTC)There's a Quaker process called Experiment With Light, based on early Quaker writings about their mystical experiences. It can be very gentle, and it can rock and tear at you, and it's all about holding yourself and your problems "in the Light" in a strong, gentle way. The key is being prepared to allow yourself to experience what is happening and trusting the process to take you to where you need to be, rather than where you decided you want to be.
There are a lot of British Quakers who do Buddhist practices, and Buddhists who attend Meeting for WOrship. As time goes by, I can really see the mutual attraction.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 05:47 pm (UTC)That does sound a lot like this.
Hmmm, Buddhists and Quakers and Pagans, oh my!
Sounds like Braided Stream...
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 06:50 pm (UTC)I've come to the conclusion (over and over) that Love And Peace, Man is not for wimps, and that it's derided as woolly and silly and naive because, deep down, we know it requires a lot of work and never stops demanding more from us - and forget that the rewards are deeper and more permanent.
I appreciate this stuff much more now, as I find myself getting into the deeper layers.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 09:21 pm (UTC)It's hard to know what to say to this. The unkind part of me is tempted to say, "I bet you couldn't go five minutes in the middle of a modest emotional crisis without [your weed, your drink, screaming and dumping on others, insert self-medication/acting out here]. You have no idea---literally, not the slightest clue---what you are talking about, dude."
And then I say, "thinking," and let it go. Because there's no way I can explain it in two minutes.
I've tried. It just can't be conveyed in two minutes.
So the world will keep thinking of Buddhists as passive wimps, instead of seeing them as the courageous and skilled practitioners they are.
Ah, well.
It's not my job to tell people what to think.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-12 01:19 pm (UTC)Weird, though - and frustrating at times - when people confuse pacifism with passive-ism, compassion with weakness, and fear with strength. Mainly it annoys me when I'm least centred (ie. fairly often..!). When I'm more in my Integrity, it's just what it is; I can measure how off kilter I am by how reactive I am. Which is progress, of course.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 10:38 pm (UTC)I just read through a minimal diary I kept during a very shallow and destructive (self- as well as others) period of my life. An interesting and somewhat painful process of forgiveness and learning.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-12 12:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-12 01:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-12 04:02 pm (UTC)