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sabrinamariI'm starting to notice something.
Ken moved out for a few months perhaps 2 1/2 years ago, and it was incredibly hard at first. I was really sad and depressed. Then, after several very hard months---about three---I noticed that I was starting to feel good. Really good. When he wanted to come back, I wasn't too excited by the idea. I was starting to feel great, actually, and I knew that allowing him back wasn't a very good idea.
I'm noticing that just as occurred last time, I am starting to have more and more happy days now that I'm approaching the 3-month mark---and when I'm happy, I'm *really* happy. It's only been a week or two, if I'm honest, that I've really started to feel good for longer periods and I still have to exert serious effort to get out of/stay out of a funk whenever I have to deal with Ken---but I remember this shift from last time. I remember the experience of turning the corner and noticing that I have the capacity to feel really, really good for long periods of time, now that I'm no longer constantly walking on eggshells anymore. Nobody criticizes me anymore. My days are empty of moody, grumpy, unsatisfied people with endless demands.
I think maybe I've had the capacity for deep happiness all along, but it's been suppressed by my living circumstances---grad school, a chronically unhappy, controlling partner, intense demands on my time and the constant pressure to perform in all areas of my life.
Now all those things are gone, and although it's a real struggle to lose so many defining aspects of my life at once, and there have been some serious disappointments recently, I think I might be starting regain that ability.
I think things might be righting themselves in a radical fashion after a long, long period of disharmony and injustice. Part of the key is that I'm finally starting to understand that I need to stay away from *all* of those things and people that have been toxic to me. If it hasn't been life-giving, nurturing and affirming it's got to go.
Ken moved out for a few months perhaps 2 1/2 years ago, and it was incredibly hard at first. I was really sad and depressed. Then, after several very hard months---about three---I noticed that I was starting to feel good. Really good. When he wanted to come back, I wasn't too excited by the idea. I was starting to feel great, actually, and I knew that allowing him back wasn't a very good idea.
I'm noticing that just as occurred last time, I am starting to have more and more happy days now that I'm approaching the 3-month mark---and when I'm happy, I'm *really* happy. It's only been a week or two, if I'm honest, that I've really started to feel good for longer periods and I still have to exert serious effort to get out of/stay out of a funk whenever I have to deal with Ken---but I remember this shift from last time. I remember the experience of turning the corner and noticing that I have the capacity to feel really, really good for long periods of time, now that I'm no longer constantly walking on eggshells anymore. Nobody criticizes me anymore. My days are empty of moody, grumpy, unsatisfied people with endless demands.
I think maybe I've had the capacity for deep happiness all along, but it's been suppressed by my living circumstances---grad school, a chronically unhappy, controlling partner, intense demands on my time and the constant pressure to perform in all areas of my life.
Now all those things are gone, and although it's a real struggle to lose so many defining aspects of my life at once, and there have been some serious disappointments recently, I think I might be starting regain that ability.
I think things might be righting themselves in a radical fashion after a long, long period of disharmony and injustice. Part of the key is that I'm finally starting to understand that I need to stay away from *all* of those things and people that have been toxic to me. If it hasn't been life-giving, nurturing and affirming it's got to go.
