Talking with Trent

[sabrinamari]

Driving Trent to school today we had a talk about household stress. Yesterday he got some difficult feedback at school, and we spent some time together thinking about that and strategizing. I also called Michael and explained that Trent was kind of stressed and told him exactly why. When I got off the phone, this prompted a discussion about stress in general. Trent asked why *I* was stressed, and I explained the top four or five stressors (work, household, Michael's heavier workload, etc.). Then I complimented him on asking me this question and explained that it is a good strategy to ask others what they are feeling since it gives a person more of an ability to figure out how to manage stressors together. I told him that in general, collaborative approaches to problem-solving are better.

I didn't expect him to ask me about any of this, so I didn't have a planned answer. And since I don't really have any models for how to cover this kind of topic with children, I just treated him like an adult. It worked pretty well. He seemed to absorb much of it.

Then this morning, we talked a little more about it. He said he would be happy to help around the house, but he realized that he would only be with us for a few days during the next two weeks. I told him this was OK: just helping me face the challenges together on the days he was with me would really improve my quality of life. I thanked him for his willingness to help. He thought about it for a minute and then replied, "Thank you for being such a good mom".

That was a surprise. It really meant a lot to me.

I don't identify as a mom, but I do want to be very good to Trent.

Comments

[the-smith-e.livejournal.com]

Awww. Congratulations!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thanks! : )

[tigira.livejournal.com]

You may not identify as a mom, but in Trent's mind, you are, and he has two moms. From what I hear, his regular mom is quite good, too - so Trent is amazingly lucky!

Then again, I think we're all lucky to have you in our lives. :) Now breathe, and take things one step at a time. If the dishes don't get done today, they'll get done tomorrow. If there's dust on the shelf, it can be dealt with when there's more time. A holiday with no cookies? Not a problem - really. My kiddo would be happy with buying some from a bakery just as much as if I made them. I'd guess that unless Trent wants to actually make the cookies, he'd feel the same way.

Unless something is life threatening, there's always tomorrow. (And this is to me just as much as it is to you. *hugs*)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's really OK if the upstairs bathroom doesnt get cleaned till Friday.

Really.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

I'm verklempt!

Seriously, this is very sweet, in every sense.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

That is a very cool word.

[diekonigin.livejournal.com]

Change can be stressful for kids too. Part of the book "Who Moved My Cheese" might be helpful to understand /cope with that.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm must check out...

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

thanks fro reminding me that my girls are really allies, not just things that have to be done.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I'm still experimenting with seeing Trent this way.

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

he sounds liek an aewsome kid. i bet he and Lu would get along great.

i got inspired watching Nurse Jackie. Her husband finally blows u and says I'm your husband, not another chore to have to finsih before you go to bed.

Wow. cuz that summed up my life.

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

When I was Trent's age, the most valuable thing my parents would do is talk to me like an adult. They were uncomfortable with some topics, so I tended to avoid them.

Based on what I see in Will, Trent should be old enough to start seeing what life is like for an adult. He's more empathetic than Will is, though. One thing struck me as I read Trent's PoV is that "he realized he would only be with [us] for a few days." That sounds like guilt to me, and he shouldn't feel responsibility for your stress.

I also wonder about (not) identifying as a mom. I'd like to hear more about that.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I will check in with Trent. I don't want him to feel guilty, period.

[puckmls.livejournal.com]

awww ....

For what it's worth, you may not feel like a mom, but you're doing the work of a mom. :-)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you.