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Oct. 21st, 2011 03:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabrinamariI just booked a ticket to travel home for Thanksgiving. I'm leaving the day before and coming home the Monday after. I'm going by myself.
I've looked at a few car rental companies and it looks like I can rent a car for about $175.00---a great investment in my own autonomy.
This is the first time I will return to my parent's home on my own as a fully functioning adult. That sounds very strange to say so late in life, but it's true. Growing up in a conservative, immigrant Costa Rican household as a girl meant that I was actively discouraged from doing anything that might give me agency or take me away from my family. My mother threw every bit of her power into making sure I left home without being able to drive. There was never any possibility that my parents might help me get a car or apply to out-of-state colleges---these options were totally out of the question.
It's a bloody miracle that I got to attend my last two years of college in Norman---only because of a scholarship---and if my mom and dad hadn't essentially ejected me from the house a few years later (for falling in love with another woman and refusing to conform to conservative Christian ideals around sexuality) I don't know how I would have gotten out.
Going back is still tricky, and going back alone means I need to remain very strong in myself. If I am not grounded and centered, things could get ugly. They certainly have before. This time, I can't hide behind either Michael or Trent. I'll have to do it myself.
I'm also determined to see Phyllis and Dorothy while I'm there, probably the night before I leave. This is going to be interesting, to say the least.
I hope I can do this gracefully. I really want to spend time with my dad and mom in a loving and compassionate way without selling myself out.
I've looked at a few car rental companies and it looks like I can rent a car for about $175.00---a great investment in my own autonomy.
This is the first time I will return to my parent's home on my own as a fully functioning adult. That sounds very strange to say so late in life, but it's true. Growing up in a conservative, immigrant Costa Rican household as a girl meant that I was actively discouraged from doing anything that might give me agency or take me away from my family. My mother threw every bit of her power into making sure I left home without being able to drive. There was never any possibility that my parents might help me get a car or apply to out-of-state colleges---these options were totally out of the question.
It's a bloody miracle that I got to attend my last two years of college in Norman---only because of a scholarship---and if my mom and dad hadn't essentially ejected me from the house a few years later (for falling in love with another woman and refusing to conform to conservative Christian ideals around sexuality) I don't know how I would have gotten out.
Going back is still tricky, and going back alone means I need to remain very strong in myself. If I am not grounded and centered, things could get ugly. They certainly have before. This time, I can't hide behind either Michael or Trent. I'll have to do it myself.
I'm also determined to see Phyllis and Dorothy while I'm there, probably the night before I leave. This is going to be interesting, to say the least.
I hope I can do this gracefully. I really want to spend time with my dad and mom in a loving and compassionate way without selling myself out.
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no subject
Date: 2011-10-21 08:27 pm (UTC)- To do your Ph.D. research, you had to walk into high-crime areas of Trenton all by yourself, sometimes into dysfunctional households with potential for domestic violence. So you've done this before!
- You have an iPhone 4S. "Siri, send a message to XXX: 'Can we talk for a while?'" where you fill in the XXX. You're not far from a vast support network. We're here for you!
no subject
Date: 2011-10-21 08:54 pm (UTC)In some ways, I felt safer sitting next to heroin addicts on the steps of a crack hotel in Elizabeth than I do at the thought of spending most of a week at the mercy of my mom.
But she has grown, and so have I.
It will be OK.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-22 02:13 am (UTC)i remember something Thorn Coyle reported about dysfunctional meetings with punitive "consensus" calls: I've been to safer meetings with a gun on the table.
best of luck. you have MAD SKILZ. Now is Not Then. sending you love.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-21 09:57 pm (UTC)It may be difficult, but it WILL be okay.
You're one tough cookie, Lady.
There's a lot of steel under those velvet gloves, and a lot of lava under that lace.
I had no idea that your bio-family strife was catalyzed by sexual orientation stuff. I'm sorry to share that experience with you.
But, 40-something is not 20-something.
You have a whole lot more power now.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-21 10:27 pm (UTC)I also have/had a very disfunctional family of origin. I and i regret the times i brought my wife and children into that situation.
Believe me, going alone is better.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-22 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-22 01:47 am (UTC)You will be OK. You have the skills, you have newfuind confidence, ou have a strong relationship with your husband and son. Remember who you are now, not who you were back then. You've changed and grown, and you don't have to be that person ever again.
Hugs.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-23 08:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-24 01:03 am (UTC)