Mantra for a new perspective

[sabrinamari]

Last night was truly awful, in the way things can sometimes be. I behaved badly, others struggled with their own demons and everyone got a chance to act out. It was a big *shenpa party. In retrospect, it's kind of funny this morning. But it took me many hours to get to this place of peace.

Still, something really good emerged from all of this. While I was trying to ease into a more productive state of mind this morning, I got an inspiration, one I've been needing for weeks. It's a simple thought, really, deceptively so. In its simplicity, it walks away from all notions of grasping at any particular thing. It gives up my emotional/intellectual notions of what should happen and what needs to be. It stops me from trying to control anything or anyone, and opens me up to what is possible.

For me, that's a good thing. I've had plenty of time to notice that my limited notions of what's possible and what's desirable are usually much less satisfying than whatever I allow to emerge.

So here it is: " Bring me right relationship with _________, so that I may experience happiness with him/her."

Period.

It doesn't try to define what right relationship is in any given situation. It puts no limits or conditions on what I experience, what others experience, or what happens. It just says, "Hey, let the best, coolest, most optimal set of possibilities unfold here, right now, in this particular situation with this particular person, so I can be happy."

An even more inclusive version might be: "Bring me right relationship with _______, so that we can experience great happiness with each other."

I really like this one.

Since I see myself as a Magician (using the language of Tarot), and I know I can call to myself whatever I need, I might as well use this gift to call forth the very best thing possible for myself and whoever I'm with.

Using this mantra this morning at the kitchen table opened my heart right up to the people I love, and it also put me in a much more healing place with mage_imbroglio.

It's amazing how loving relationships open you up to so much learning and so many feelings, both painful and wonderful. It's a great gift.

My plan: to use this mantra every day, and whenever I see people I care about, so that I can be in the best possible place to experience them without grasping and allow the best possible relationship to emerge, whatever that is.

* Definitions for shenpa can be found here:

http://www.examiner.com/wellness-in-san-francisco/shenpa-attachment-and-craving-the-lessons-they-teach-us

Or you can read a paragraph about it here:


"If I were translating shenpa it would be very hard to find a word, but I'm going to give you a few. One word might be hooked. How we get hooked.

Another synonym for shenpa might be that sticky feeling. In terms of last night's analogy about having scabies, that itch that goes along with that and scratching it, shenpa is the itch and it's the urge to scratch. So, urge is another word. The urge to smoke that cigarette, the urge to overeat, the urge to have one more drink, or whatever it is where your addiction is.

Here is an everyday example of shenpa. Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens— that's the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you. This is a mean word that gets you, hooks you. Another mean word may not affect you but we're talking about where it touches that sore place— that's a shenpa. Someone criticizes you—they criticize your work, they criticize your appearance, they criticize your child— and, shenpa: almost co-arising."

Pema Chodron
http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/shenpa3a.php

Comments

[puckmls.livejournal.com]

I read the part about a big shenpa party, realized I didn't know what "shenpa" meant, Googled it ... and got a lecture transcript by Pema Chodron called "The Shenpa Syndrome." Lovely!

I understand, I think -- we tend to be like Velcro about many things; we can't let them go, or they persist in sticking to us -- and the solution is to be aware and to be more smooth and non-sticky so things can flow past us without attachment.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thanks for pointing this out, puck. I put an excerpt from this transcript, along with a link to it, at the bottom of my post.

[akrissy.livejournal.com]

so shenpa would be that need i get to smoke whenever i have to deal with THAT particular person. which is terrible because i never want to smoke again, but i have to see this person again. thus, my/this particular shenpa tears me up inside

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

If you can recognize it, you can work with it. And maybe even forgive yourself for not being perfect. This is the one I struggle with. But it's a gift of no-drama: acceptance and a sense of peace.

[wgseligman.livejournal.com]

Your post gives me something to think about. If I were to compose a similar mantra for me, it would be:

Grant me the wisdom to make the relationship with ________ work, so that we may be happy and content together.

As a Wiccan with much less exposure to Buddhism than you, I tend to map things into elemental terms: I would choose this kind of mantra because I'm an Air-based person, and want to figure things out for myself. A Water-based person might ask for the relationship connection directly.

Would you say that my different approach to a relationship mantra is a Water/Air difference? Or is it that I don't have much experience in constructing mantras, and someone with more experience with Buddhism approaches it differently? Or am I making a distinction when there is none?

[akrissy.livejournal.com]

i see myself as having Earth as my strongest elemental-base and your mantra would work for me; seeking the wisdom of the ages and the patience at the pace of a mountain.

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

oh bunny, hugs.

[showingup.livejournal.com]

2 immediate thoughts:

* Remembering a perspective/insight/practice when I need it most is something I am also working on. Again, you highlight the areas I need to look at!

I've found the (British) Quakers' Advices & Queries to be helpful, especially #7:

"...Are you open to new light, from whatever source it may come? Do you approach new ideas with discernment?"

Somehow, that reminder that there is both something of value and a need to look for truth in every encounter calms me right down. It seems to make me less self-absorbed, and less judgemental. Problem is remembering it!!

* Sometimes, you can be in right relationship with someone in a specific moment only insofar as they're able to do it. If they're too stuck to be open to right relationship, all you can do is be in right relationship with them where they are at that time. I suppose I mean that it isn't always possible for both people in a situation to experience happiness together, though it's possible to be in right relationship with them right then and there so you can be peaceful even when they're not.

GAH! Not articulate at all!!

oh yes

[otterdancing.livejournal.com]

I am in the place where I have all these wonderful tools at my disposal...all these wonderful resources I have gathered in this self created graduate degree in self growth and spiritual direction. And they all work perfectly when I am alone in my room. And lately when I interact with people, it is as if I have learned nothing. I know that isn't true but putting the practice to work is elusive.
I really love your mantra and may form one of my own. Because I am not sure that happiness is always my goal. As your friend says, sometimes the other person just can't go there with you and sometimes right relationship is about lessons that don't actually include that ephemeral happiness. So thank you for living transparent and letting us be inspired by you. Love.

Re: oh yes

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

You know, I get that. Sometimes it's not about happiness. Still thinking about how to work with this. I guess my biggest goal is peaceful, mutually beneficial relations whenever possible. That may not be exactly happiness, and it doesn't mean the other person wants the same thing. Given the option, I want to reach for the biggest win-win possible in the moment, whatever that may be.

Re: oh yes

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Not so transparent---grinning. I didn't share all the details of my idiocy. Just the observation that I had a couple off hours of sub-brilliance.

As long as I and my friends can live with that, we're OK, I guess.

Re: oh yes

[showingup.livejournal.com]

No, that's it. If you're going to have moments of sub-brilliance, you're sacked as my best mate.

I just cannot have anything less than perfection in those around me - it would be like setting a fine gemstone in tin, a rose between thorns.

You just can't get the right calibre of people.

*Passive-aggressive eye-rolling*

Re: oh yes

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Thank you. I've been kicking myself continuously since yesterday. Thank you for not helping me.

Re: oh yes

[showingup.livejournal.com]

Well, if you're prepared to be an abject yes-woman and lick-spittle, I suppose I'll let you into the outskirts of my Circle of Perfection. On probation.

But no more slip-ups, young woman! It all reflects so badly on me.

*polishes halo*

[angiedub.livejournal.com]

Good post. I read part of the article and copied it to my phone so I could finish reading it later. That's what I'm trying to do too...let go of attachments to certain outcomes. Just let it be.

[hypatia42.livejournal.com]

I've never studied Buddhism but I keep finding my thoughts ad feeling aligned with things other people describe as Buddhist flavored. It is interesting to taste this.

I might replace happiness with healthy for my own personal use but the idea resonates well.

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

thank you