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[sabrinamari]

I don't have the letter. He deleted it while I went downstairs for a moment after confronting him.

Too bad.

However, good news: my heart had really figured out that this guy is not what I want. I thought he's come alot farther than he actually has; he still has much, much further to go. And I DO NOT want to accompany him on that journey.

Strangely, I'm OK. I don't feel pain, although I did this morning. I am simply amazed that he has failed, so totally and utterly, to learn from his experiences. I struggle with the idea that he continues to make bad choice after bad choice even with all the therapy, help, advice and support he has received.

I simply cannot believe that he is so unable to grow.

Wow.

At any rate, I am free, my heart is free, and I want nothing to do with him whatsoever except to proceed as quickly as possible with a speedy and calm divorce.

Wow. How could I have misjudged him so much? How could I have loved him so much? I feel a bit stupid.

OK, I'm just going to put down the stick and go back to work. My dominant emotion is simply shock---shock that he can have ultimately learned so little in the time that we were together.

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[cmyriam.livejournal.com]

I think we all have been there at some point. In my case twice. So finally the truth comes out...

Well then you have your road set for you and not looking back...

You are a beautiful person in and out, you diserve better.

You go girl

Big hug

[wild-place-king.livejournal.com]

I am rejoicing your freedom with you!

Yes, you misjudged him, please, do not misjudge yourself. You are an intelligent, loving, trusting person. He set out to deceive you and he succeeded because he you are so trusting.

You worked so hard on the relationship that he never had any intention to nurture.

My personal feeling: he needs to get his ass out of *your* house. Now!

Many hugs,
B.

[wild-place-king.livejournal.com]

Can you undelete it?

[tigira.livejournal.com]

At any rate, I am free, my heart is free, and I want nothing to do with him whatsoever except to proceed as quickly as possible with a speedy and calm divorce.

Excellent. If nothing else, this has done that for you.

Wow. How could I have misjudged him so much? How could I have loved him so much? I feel a bit stupid.

As wild_place_king stated, it's because you believed he had the best intentions. Don't lose that desire to see the best in people. Please.

[skyefyr.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I love you Sabrina. It sucks, it hurts, but you're seeing the truth and it sounds like you're dealing okay with it. It might even make things easier in the long run. If you need anything, just call.

The Scorned Woman Poster Child Put's in Her 2 Cents

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

A very wise woman dragged me (kicking ad screamin, of course) to the realization that you can't fill a vessel with more than it's able to hold. If you try, and the vessel overflows, you can't really blame the resulting mess on the vessel.

It's good that you're getting away from him. He doesn't deserve you. Remember this feeling of resolution the next time you feel hurt and lonely. You deserve to be loved.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I'm on my way. I can meet you at your office around 1pm. Call me on my cellphone if you've got something scheduled then.

You're really free now to put yourself first. That, at least, he's made easier for you.

[evilbunny.livejournal.com]

Sounds like the Tower in action, to me. Tragic, horrible, nothing you want to repeat, but with it comes the knowledge that things will change for the better.

Shock is an appropriate emotion, it sounds like you are handling this very well. I'm proud for you. *more hugs*

[onyxtwilight.livejournal.com]

Wow. How could I have misjudged him so much? How could I have loved him so much? I feel a bit stupid.

It is because you have the capacity to TRUST, and that is a precious talent. I share that talent, and I have learned over decades that it comes with a price - sometimes your trust will be betrayed. It has been said to me at least once, by someone who betrayed mine, that the ease with which I trust makes me easy to deceive, and therefore weak.

I disagree. I count the capacity to believe in people among my greatest strengths, and so should you. Over the long haul, the rewards far outweigh the pain of the occasional betrayals, which teach us caution and clearer sight as we learn to trust that people will be true to their natures, and we learn to see their natures more clearly, and learn where best to invest the Trust that is our gift to bestow.

Mistakes are inevitable, of course. Think about what you would tell your own students when they are bemoaning a mistake they've made... and then LISTEN to your own wise counsel. :-) Mistakes are the proof that we're learning, and realizing our mistakes is the guarantee that we aren't nearly as "stuck" as we think we are.

[willowoak.livejournal.com]

Three cheers for the lovely you! And for your liberation!

It's easy to hope and to wish that the people we love are growing in the same direction and the same pace that we are. But he is the one who made the choices that have stalled him on the side of the road. You are willing to trust, willing to learn and willing to grow.

Go, you! I am so proud of you and happy that you are part of my circle of friends. :)

I've been thinking about your situatio all day

[elphaba-of-oz.livejournal.com]

I've been working fairly closely lately with a woman who expects to finally be divorced from her husband after the first of the year. For years he has been uncooperative about the divorce, largely because of the division of assets. She walked out of their house several years ago and left behind all of her personal posessions. She never got them back. He drained their bank account. He cut off her credit cards. She went from living on a big farm to living in a trailer. She had to stock her new home from scratch.

It's an ugly story. Yours might not be so ugly. But you should be very careful about what you do in the next few days.

Ken doesn't trust you. He has been keeping secrets from you. He is not your partner. He is not your ally. You can't let sympathy for him interfere with your efforts to protect yourself.

If you have bank accounts, investments or credit cards that are in both of your names you need to talk to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. You have to survive. If Ken wanted to be nasty, he might be able to impede your ability to do so.

Don't move out of the house. Don't leave behind any property that you purchased together. Don't assume that Ken is going to be an asshat, but try to anticipate what he could do to hurt you and block it before he has a chance to do it. You don't have to be sniffing for bad behavior like a pig hunting truffles. That's what laywers do. Hire one and let him/her do his/her job.

This is an uncomfortable thing to hear, especially applied to the person who was your bunny for so many years. You can't think of him that way anymore. It's much easier to think of this as a business partnership that is dissolving. It's dissolving in part because one of the partners has been dishonest.

You don't have to be vindictive, but you DO have to protect yourself. Your survival is more important than your fond memories of Ken.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

It's just plain awful when you are betrayed by someone you love and trust. I've had it happen on several occasions, by the ones that I trusted most, and loved most. I came to the realization that I can't make them love me ot want me any more than I can make the sun come up in the morning. Yes, I felt stupid---I'm a reasonably intelligent person, yet this other being took the best of me, my trust and love, and gave it away like it meant nothing. Like it was worthless, and therefore, so was I.

Don't. Don't think that way. Let it hurt---yes it hurts and it will hurt, and at the most unexpected times and in the most unexpected places. You'll remember the lovely times you had---holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.....and the old hurt will want to creeo back in. It will be inevitable---no matter how much you're over the past, no matter how good your life is now, no matter what..........it will come back to give you that little jab, and it will whisper to you that you failed. You failed to do something, be something, have something that your ex-partner wanted or needed. Don't let it. Cry the tear or two, remember the wonder and the beauty, and then firmly dismiss the sense of failure, of loss, of grief. Let it go with the tears. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. You have a wealth of love and joy inside you. It's not you who failed to mine that----therefore it is not your failure.

Be prepared for the bad days. Build up a good reservoir of good and wonderful things to swim in when the bad things want to get in---adn don't let them swim with you! Don't let the bad things take you under---fight with all your might to remember that you are a wonderful, worthwhile person. Stand strong, be proud.

You are the Goddess' perfect child, and loved beyond all our limited comprehension. The universe waits for you. Embrace it with joy.

Hugs, much love, and total understanding of where you are right now.

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, yes! It's acting on the fear of trusting that makes someone weak.

[oaktavia.livejournal.com]

Sabrina, I love you.

*please* re-read what elphaba_of_oz posted... cut & paste it, print it up... it's very important that you make sure that you take care of things from your end - like she said, you can't trust that he will have your best interests in mind.

[amber-phoenix.livejournal.com]

My heart aches for you. Many folks have given excellent advice and reminders. I'll just join in on my favorites:

- Loving someone and believing in his potential is neither misjudging nor stupid. It's a wonderful thing to see and believe in someone's best self. Ken didn't live up to his, and I'm glad you're parting because you deserve more, but loving him was not dumb.

- You're a fabulous babe. (Trust me, I know a fabulous babe when I see one.) Don't let someone else's actions dictate your belief in your wonderful self.

- *hugs*

[stephandcurtis.livejournal.com]

Well, if you need a copy of the message, a lawyer can get you copies from the ISP, I'm sure.
Sabrina, keep reading all the wonderful things your other friends have said, especially about what a vibrant, positive, amazingly fantastic person you ARE! And then remember this, right now you are the sum total of everything that has come before you. Including this parting. You have been through so much these past years, what with your work with Ken, your dissertation, the home, the job, and everything else - anyone of lesser character and strength would have crumbled a long time ago. Another challenge has been placed before you, and already you are exhibiting the grace that few would offer in even the best of times. It looks as though a few more challenges have been required of you before you are allowed to rest, your marriage (or shall I say divorce?)and your professional future. You will emerge from this transformed, as is the butterfly from the coccoon. And what a glorious butterfly it shall be!

I send you my love, know that I am thinking of you!

Stephanie

[oakleaves.livejournal.com]

No, I think I disagree a little. I think, for most people, this could easily be a Tower experience, and it is for so many in divorce situations. But Sabrina has the skills and intelligence to embrace the fall as a flying experience rather than a doomed plummet. I'd say she's transforming the whole thing into Death, because she's already seeing the dawn in the horizon and already recognizes that, while it fucking sucks, while it still has bad surprises, she's targeting on what's after the aftermath. She is so ahead of most people already, in my experience.

[oakleaves.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. The measure of someone's character is not whether or not they make mistakes, but what they do when either they realize the mistake they made or it's pointed out to them by others.

Re: I've been thinking about your situatio all day

[oakleaves.livejournal.com]

Elphaba is absolutely right. It's challenging to do, and you can do it in spurts if you need to, but the thing to do right now is to take a wholly objective look at the things, arrangements, legal relationships, financial commitments, property that you have and to start planning. You need to be as independent as possible, not because you want to hurt Ken (necessarily...) but because the time is coming when you need to rebuild your life's own infrastructure.

One option, if it's available to you in your area, is legal mediation. Unlike a divorce lawyer, a mediator can serve as a neutral, legal party to help make this transition process smoother. It's available here in Canada, and might be in Jersey.

[oakleaves.livejournal.com]

I've tossed my two cents in some above replies, but here I'd like to respond to your own post directly. First thing: I love you, and I promise you that you will be ok.

Do you have any comprehension of how you so dearly impress me? Do you realize, honestly, how incredibly courageous, insightful, and strong you truly are?

You once asked me what niches I feel I fill as an HP. I never got to respond. I will now, and say that among them are divorce situations. My own experiences, and having moderated a counseling list for Pagans dealing with divorce (BrokenChalices) for the last two years have taught me a few things, and let me tell you that I see so much in you that so many struggle for years to achieve.

You are staying focused on your needs. You are not resorting to vendettas. You are in pain, but you are not afraid to call upon your friends for help. You are being pro-active. You are recognizing that you were not happy, are understanding more and more deeply how unhappy you were, and are still committed to make the divorce process smooth.

You are using your leadership skills to lead yourself now, and that is an incredibly intelligent thing to do. You are using your Priestess skills to nurture yourself now, and that is an incredibly healing thing for you to do.

Does any of this sound familiar? ;)

And you are not stupid. You were trying to make something work, you were trying your best, and you were trying based on the guidelines that you knew as being intact at the time. That those guidelines were being flanked by his own ulterior acts is not your fault. But it should (and I think it is) contribute to your perspective about how to proceed from here.

You can probably bet that, now that you've confronted him about the email and he darted to the puter to delete it, that he will be ferreting around the house to remove any other evidence. How he handled it when you confronted him will tell you volumes about how he might behave from this point: if he accepted it and apologized, he might still handle things honorably; if he panicked, denied, and argued, that might suggest that he's been living in fear, and could be prone to do something rash later.

The best way for you to avoid being flanked again, and over something more vital right now (like, mutual finances) is to plan for every possibility. Safeguard your money. Find a way to amicably terminate mutual commitments like bills. Start making a list of every piece of property that you belongs to you alone, what belongs to him alone that you will want to replace for yourself, what belongs to both of you that might be open for negotiation.

And, with your permission, I'll be happy to cut&paste some resources from the Pagan divorce support list that I run. You could join it if you choose to (no pressure): it's "BrokenChalices" in Yahoo groups.

I love you.

slightly off topic

[seedmoon.livejournal.com]

BTW, I like the new title of your LJ.

I suppose it depends...

[evilbunny.livejournal.com]

on how you view the Tarot. I don't think the Tower implies "doomed plummet" however. I do only read Rider-Waite (and decks based off it), though and I understand that the Tower is different in different decks. Regardless of which cards would be in a reading, Sabrina is handling this beautifully.

Re: I suppose it depends...

[oakleaves.livejournal.com]

*nod*