Learning never ends

[sabrinamari]

I have an opportunity to do some learning about love. Over the holidays, I had the chance to tell a dear friend how I felt about something important. It was a hard thing to share and a hard thing to hear, and I knew there was a risk that she would choose to walk away from our friendship as a result.

I told her, and she didn't walk away. We talked and worked through some stuff. But it was a really hard thing to hear, and she was a a bit depressed anyway, so I wondered what would happen next.

Over the last month or so she hasn't answered any of my texts or called me until last night, when she let me know that she's thinking about limiting her contact with me.

So I have several options here:

1. I can "Drama Out": weep, beg, become histrionic, or alternatively, get angry and cold because she has rejected me.

Decision: Nope. Too much useless effort. Counterproductive. Bad for our health and quality of life.

2. I can cut her off and try to cut her out of my heart.

Decision: Nope. This would be stupid. I love her, and my love is not based on her loving me back on my own terms. I love her because she is an amazing, beautiful human being.

3. I could regret telling her the difficult truth. If I had kept silent, we could have avoided this for awhile.

Decision: Nope. Intimacy requires risk. To be known is to risk disapproval. If there is no risk, there is no real intimacy. It is also a fact that truths have a way of coming out, sooner or later. In human relationships, sooner is usually better.

4. I can sit with the reality of the situation and continue loving her, no matter what she chooses to do. I can encourage her to talk with me and we can explore our conflict together, with love and compassion for everyone in the situation. I can tell her that this is what I am going to do and then practice patience, waiting for her to come around and be ready to do this work with me.

Decision: Yes, this is what I will do. It respects the truth and allows both of us to be our authentic selves. It allows each of us to work through our feelings as we must. It honors the love we feel for each other and preserves the good treatment we've offered each other throughout our friendship.

Plus, it gives me good practice in basic sanity. Perhaps she is my teacher in this situation, allowing me to practice patience, compassion and unconditional regard for another person. Learning more of this can only make me a wiser and more powerful person.

Good. Decision made.

Comments

[gracewillow.livejournal.com]

I think that's a good decision--certainly it's well thought out. I'm not so good at these situations myself, in fact I'm in a bit of a one at the moment (although the details are different). Patience is not my strong suit.

[wgseligman.livejournal.com]

I'm in tears. Where did you learn to be so wise?

[ingridsummers.livejournal.com]

My dear, I know how hard these decisions and conversations are. You are a wonderful role model for someone actively doing their work and living the very best you can.

You rock!

[marijahsro.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thank you for being such a role model for how to deal with others in a healthy manner.

[deboranter.livejournal.com]

Good decision. and on another note:

"Intimacy requires risk."

WoW! One of the things I adore about you is your ability to put into succinct statements a reality I hadn't considered before. And I hadn't but that really struck me hard with its truthiness and I guess its something I've known and avoided. Time to bring it to the forefront.

[justusgirlz.livejournal.com]

Have I told you recently how amazing you are? Did I tell you I love you today? >:D

[castalusoria.livejournal.com]

*peaceful thoughts* to you. I hope this conflict finds a way to resolution that is as smooth and easy-going as possible for all parties.

This is a wonderful post.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

"Intimacy requires risk."

Something else I will put on my mirrors, as I need to be reminded at times. It is in my nature to be silent and not stir things up---and then things fester until I'm filled with resentment and hurt. I don;t like me much when that happens, although it happens less nd less frequently as I get a bit older. I also have to remember that my expectations are just that---mine. And I can't control how others feel, or think, or act. All I can do is control my own feelings and actions. That's quite enough for one person!

Sending hugs. It's never eay to tell someone the truth, especially when it hurts and you know it must be done. It takes courage and strength---and you have those in spades!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I can always use more of it.

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

very powerful. thank you for taking the risks and posting about this.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Many years of acting like a dolt followed by fewer years of reading and listening to the books of Pema Chodron.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Also, you are beautiful, and I wish I could give you a hug right now.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear. I am going to focus hard on what I love about my friend. I want to draw her back into my life in a positive way.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

hugging you.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Ah, you have courage.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I love you too, my sweet---your friendship is a continual source of strength and happiness for me.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Me too. I think this has the best chance of happening if I saty calm.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

{{{sligoe}}}

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

[wgseligman.livejournal.com]

I'm OK; it was just a momentary tearing up.

But I'll still take a rain check on that hug, to be collected at FSG!

[divalion.livejournal.com]

By doing what you're doing, you are also honoring her right to decide what she needs for her emotional health, and not trying to force her to do what *you* think is best nor punishing her for choosing her own boundaries.

That's a tremendous act of love, and not an easy one to give. She is indeed serving as a teacher for you, and I admire you for seeing that although I am also in no way surprised that you do. =)

*love to you*

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

You both rock in your very different ways.

I like your point about not expecting people to love you on *YOUR* terms while still retaining healthy boundaries about what behaviours are acceptable. Seems to me that most of us have real problems in this area. It's taking me a great deal of time to inch closer to fine on that.

I've begun reading 'The Places That Scare You' again.

No surprise

[spiffnolee.livejournal.com]

That wasn't really a decision tree, was it? Before I read behind the cut, I expected a description of how difficult unrequited friendship is. The other options you listed didn't occur to me, and I would never have considered them for you.

Several years ago, we talked about you taking me as a student. Though we never formalized it, I appreciate that you are, in fact, teaching me. That's very generous of you. Thank you.

Re: No surprise

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

{{{spiffnolee}}}

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

It is so, so good.

I'll be rereading it periodically for the rest of my life.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

love you back, honey!

[ludditeauthor.livejournal.com]

Ahh, wise woman, I am reminded once again why I love you. I know we are both still - and it seems ever - in the midst of more work than there is time for. But someday, I will have time to spend with no other requirement than enjoying your company. I am blessed to know you.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I feel that we'll have some time to relax and laugh together soon--in the next year, for certain. We have lessons and gifts for each other.

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

But it is so much fun to say histrionic. I love having a big vocabulary, it makes one so much more precise.

*hugs* love to you & the fam

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear.

I've been on both ends of this very thing!

[tracyandrook.livejournal.com]

Please be prepared to hear NO and allow her to not be guilty about her emotions. If she is going to come around at all, it won't be as an admission of failure in a rainbow-pissing contest. You can live according to your best principles and give her space at the same time. My advice? Don't tell her what you are doing beyond making sure she has your phone number, and that's it for a while.

Nobody's perfect

[tracyandrook.livejournal.com]

Ok, no, that was odd. I made this nice reply and it got eaten.

I only wanted to say, be prepared to hear NO. I have been on both ends of conflicts like this. Your person needs to not feel guilty about her responses and eventually remember that they are hers. Sometimes your overwhelming goodness can feel like a rainbow-pissing contest. You'll win, and thereby lose. Just affirm "Well, you have my number," and don't worry the issue any further, if you can help it.

Re: I've been on both ends of this very thing!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

This is great advice. I will take it.

Re: Nobody's perfect

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

This is great advice. I will take it.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

Know I still love you. I admire your ability to do those things that are difficult for both you and those around you, and still be able to do it in love.

You inspire me to do those things that both scare me and make me more me.

And if ever you feel the need to do something similar with me that you did with this other person, know that I will still love you, and I will still hold you in the same esteem, and you will still have a place in my heart.

*hugs*

Yes

[otterdancing.livejournal.com]

You are only responsible for your emotions and behaviors and choices. You are standing in authenticity and integrity and being brave in love. This is healthy and productive for all parties. Excellent work.