All acts of love and pleasure...will save you money. Or, emotional health creates financial health.

[sabrinamari]

Financial Advice from a Call Girl: How Great Sex Can Make You Rich
May 29, 2008
By S. Shugars

http://www.savingadvice.com/blog/2008/05/29/102142_financial-advice-from-a-call-girl.html

Can you believe this headline? I almost laughed myself off my chair when I read it. "Yeah, sure," I thought---this is the worst example of gratuitous use of sex I've seen for awhile..."

I even skipped reading it at first because I was so sure it was a sad, sad ploy.

But when I went back to read it, I discovered that my own core experiences confirmed its truth. Not only is it true, but it deals with an intersection of Earth Element topics that profoundly influence happiness.


For 15 years I was part of a marriage that lacked emotional connection, and this meant that intimacy was rare and fleeting. Sex was unusual and unsatisfying, and sadness was the result. But healthy human beings crave connection, and the gaping lacuna left by its absence had to be filled by...something.

And that something was often shopping. We spent money to make us feel better, money on things we could use to define ourselves and *more* money on experiences to distract and entertain us. The important thing was to draw us away from looking at what we were missing: a joyful, loving, deeply satisfying---and, defined in the broadest possible terms---profoundly *sexual* connection.

So we went to dinner all the time, looking for gourmet experiences to give us pleasure. We bought new wardrobes twice a year to make us look good and seem happy. We filled our home with 'affordable' design objects and pretty things to create the feeling of harmony. We bought a home gym.

And there was never any money left over to save for emergencies or retirement. There was never enough emotional balance to let us siphon cash away from self medication, filling the raw hole of need left by our mutual isolation.

The end of that relationship left me with an opportunity to experience something else: joy. Connection. Playful delight---all those things I had been missing. To my shock, I discovered what it feels like to be loved: to be desired, to be cultivated...to be...pleasured. It was, and is, glorious.

The great sex I experience almost every day is a privilege, a blessing. It is rooted in emotional intimacy and the courage required to create it. It is a source of happiness that helps me replentish my excitement in living, my fundamental joy in existence.


Great sex lessens cravings and reduces the impetus to self-medicate. And when I'm walking through the mall now, I often notice my lack of desire for *things*---*things* to distract me, *things* to fill emotional holes or give my life a sense of meaning.

I have a sense of meaning, and it's all about revelling in the joy of mental, emotional and physical connection.

You can read the article that inspired these thoughts here:



"When people think about the best financial advice they have ever received, it usually comes from a family member, a close mentor or a financial guru. So it’s with a bit of embarrassment that I must admit that the best financial advice I ever received came a call girl I slept with in my younger days. Even more surprising, it wasn’t intended to be financial advice, but what seemed to be almost an afterthought that she shouted back at me on he way out the door:

“Don’t marry her if she isn’t great in bed.”

While her comment always stayed in the back of my mind, I never looked at it as financial advice until I realized where I am in my marriage and where many of my friends are. What I realize is that great sex has made me a happier person, saved our family a lot of money and kept me from falling into situations that have cost my other friends a lot of money.

Let me first state that I don’t see great sex as having anything to do with sexual prowess or stamina, but everything having to do with compatibility. Great sex isn’t an individual performance, but a combined performance between two partners that leaves you both exhilarated.

Having great sex with your partner is certainly not typical financial advice that you will hear in any of the personal finance magazines that you read, but that little gold nugget of advice has made me a lot more wealthy than most of my peers and advice that you should take to heart. Here are some reasons you should consider it a lot harder than you have:

Great sex reduces your entertainment costs: I can’t remember the last time I have seen a movie with my wife. This isn’t because either of us is cheap or don’t enjoy movies, but because there is never a question of what we’d rather choose to do. If you had the choice of a movie or a night of passionate love, which would you choose? Neither of us sees any reason to change this choice even after 15 years of marriage.

Great sex keeps you out of the malls: There is no need for retail therapy when you have a good sex life. You already know what makes you happy so there is no need to go searching for it in the latest gadget that will supposedly make you feel better. Nothing will fulfil you on a daily basis the way a great sex life will.

Great sex means you don’t eat out as much: Having a great sex life will mean you eat out a lot less than the average family. Much like with movies, if you have the choice of going out or a dinner in together with extra curricular activities, the dinner in almost always wins.

Great sex keeps you organized: When you are constantly looking forward to being with your partner, you don’t want other things to get in the way. You learn to get organized so that when you get home, there is nothing left over from work that needs to be done that could get in the way of the evening activities. Being the once unorganized slob and constant procrastinator that I used to be, I can tell you that having a compelling reason to be organized and get things finished early will ensure that you do. great sex is one of those compelling reasons.

Good sex makes you healthier: According to a study of 90,000 American adults done by Dr. Ted Mcllvenna, from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, sexually active people take fewer sick leaves, are more gregarious and enjoy life more. That means less doctor visits, lower insurance premiums and no need to pay for a gym membership. Except for the unexpected heart attack (that appears to have been more genetic that anything else according to my doctors), I have been in great health during my marriage. I have taken exactly 3 days of sick leave in the 15 years I have been married and I find it hard to believe that many married men look forward to coming home as much as I do.

Great sex means that vacations are less expensive: When you and your partner have great sex together, the focus of a vacation changes dramatically. Most people choose vacations to be entertained, but when you have great sex, you choose vacations for the mood that they create. Time isn’t spent going from tourist attraction to tourist attraction, but spending time together enjoying the time and the atmosphere. Even when we pay extra to create a more romantic mood, the vacations are still far less than friends who vacation to be entertained.

Great sex means that you have no reason to cheat on your partner: A lot of people cheat on their partners for a lot of different reasons, but if the two of you have great sex together, it takes away the biggest reason for either of you to cheat on one another. Having affairs can be an expensive habit that can drain money from your overall wealth, especially when money is being hidden in order to maintain the affair. Great sex can keep you from ever making this costly mistake.

Great sex means you’ll stay married: That affair can become a lot more costly if it ends up resulting in divorce. If you want to keep your net worth secure, you don’t ever want to get divorced. I’ve seen first hand what it has done to a number of my friends financially, and it’s not a pretty sight. There is a reason why people say that divorce is like taking all the money you have to the top of a tall building and then throwing handfuls of hundred dollar bills out of the window as fast as you can because that is essentially what happens. If you have great sex together, there is a lot less likelihood that either one of you will see divorce as something that you want or need.

What this all means is that our savings and net worth are a lot healthier than most of the friend that I’ve known over the years. It isn’t that we make more money, but that we have found a way to spend time together that costs little money and which we both enjoy immensely. Spending our time having great sex instead of spending money on other things means that we will retire with plenty of money without ever having to have struggled they way most people do.

So I pass along the best financial advice I have ever received from a call girl who didn’t even realize she was giving such important financial advice: “When you choose a partner, make sure that you have great sex together.”

Comments

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

In other words, as a wise priestess told me, and as I keep trying to live up to, "Be authentic".

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Laughing...I miss you, honey!

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I used to take St. John's Wort for mild depressive tendencies. I read up on it before starting, and found out that it caused hormonal birth control to be less effective. "Well," I told myself, "I'm not going to go on hormonal birth control unless I'm having sex regularly, and if I'm having sex regularly, I'm willing to bet my depression will lessen, so I won't need the St. John's Wort anymore." :)

True enough for me.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Good point! :)

[treadwells.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this - really. Perfect timing. Just to say again how much I get from your posts. Christina

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Christina.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Honestly, even if you don't have sex often, just being able to connect with your partner on an intimate level will do the very same thing.

It's a sad fact that as we get older, sex becomes less of the drive it was in our younger days. The hormones aren't as strong, we have older and slower bodies, so we don't get crazy as often as we used to---but if the relationship that you have is one that is full of love and caring and compassion, the sex that you DO have is good and fills that need quite well.

I am finding that I need less and less as I get older---and I have a wonderful person in my life who takes care of many of my little needs. It's amazing what a small gift of a fruit salad will do for my frame of mind! LOL

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

You know, I think it's more about finding the right fit between you and your beloved---a fit based on intimacy and well being, not on avoidance of contact or the dodging of a deeper connection.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach: there's just the right approach that brings you and your beloved the greatest possible intimacy and joy.

I'm glad you pointed this out.

[warning-dca.livejournal.com]

Sex i don't care about, i probably don't have the healthiest view of it really.

All of these things that sex is supposed to miraculously cure could be better settled by having someone who pitches in as much at home as he goes overboard helping out at work.

Sex is just another "fucking" obligation in my world.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's easy to have a loving connection with your beloved if there's inequity, tension or the perception/experience of injustice between you. I know that when I feel there's unaddressed unfairness between M. and I, I don't want to open up or give.

I want much better for both of you: I want you each to feel whole and happy, and valued by each other. I want you each to be satisfied with how you are relating to each other. And I wish for you the joy that comes from that.

I know this stuff is hard to heal: it took me decades to do it in my own life. I'm hoping that you are wiser than I was---and you well may be.

[travelingtim.livejournal.com]

I recently saw a young couple walking down the street holding hands together and was surprised to discover how jealous I was of them. I would expand the "sex" to include just basic taking pleasure in the company of the other person, physically, emotionally, intellectually. When just going for a walk together creates fulfillment then you don't need to buy the fancy dinner to make the day enjoyable.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

I would agree. Sex is more than copulation---it has to include all of the wonderfully intimate things that make two people a "couple".

It's also why I think that polyamory is about more than just having a bunch of "friends with benefits". It's all about the intimacy of people sharing themselves in all aspects of their lives, not simply physically.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I agree completely. Your answer got me thinking about what sex is---and I think it's more about the qualities you bring to the experience than what you actually do together.

For me, it means:

1. Being fully present: 100% 'there' with your beloved
2. Opening up to your beloved enough to be vulnerable, to take real risks
3. Seeking to give and receive real pleasure and joy
4. Sharing what you find erotic honestly, and focusing full attention on what your beloved finds erotic as well

So by this definition, a moment of locking eyes while you reach over and caress your beloved's hands slowly counts as sex.

And walking together in connected joy while you hold on to each other counts too.

I don't think you should ever give this up, my dear. I don't think you should ever settle for a relationship with someone who cannot or will not give this. You eserve more---we all deserve more.

Just my thoughts.

[travelingtim.livejournal.com]

Ah, once kids are in the picture "Best" becomes less about the individual or couple. Add a mortgage and the question becomes what is the easiest path: trying to fix the problems, trying to live without or trying to find an exit strategy. At least two of those options require the active participation of the other partner and at least some level of agreement as to the seriousness of the lacks.

This is an area where I am trusting personal magnetism in the sense as I work on my own stuff (which is all I can do) then I will naturally attract a partner of a higher level as well. Whether this is the higher parts of my current partner or someone new is less important then having a goal, better to move towards something better/best then just move away from something undesirable.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I am so glad that you are committed towards moving towards what you really want and deserve. I think that making your best effort in your current relationship is an honorable thing to do---then if there is no willingness on the other end to grow and transform, you could seriously consider moving on.

If you accept less than your optimal level of intimacy, your children will watch you and understand what you are doing on some level. They will learn that this what adults do. They will learn that it is expected that they be willing to give up core parts of themselves in exchange for companionship.

Please forgive my bluntness, but is this what you want to teach them?

It took me decades to unlearn this lesson from my father---a good, kind and loving man---and stand up for what is best for me.

[travelingtim.livejournal.com]

I have spent many year avoiding bad, which can just have you walking in circles. I'm trying to go towards the good instead, which sometimes has you traveling through the bad but does tend to keep one on a path towards something.

But if you ever see me becomes complaint, please kick me hard.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I don't want to kick you hard. You are one of the kindest men I know: a truly good man. And you are also able to give truthful feedback that's hard to hear in loving way (as you did for me a year or so ago).

I have come to respect you and admire your desire to do right and be clear more and more as the years have passed.

And I want to see you joyful. I want to see you flourishing. I want to see you at peace.

I want you to enjoy happiness and the root of happiness and be free of suffering and the root of all suffering.

Sorry for butting in . . .

[justusgirlz.livejournal.com]

But I have to thoroughly agree with Sabrina on the point of children learning from their parents example about expectations and giving up core parts of themselves. I went through that with my parents . . . and ended up following my Mother's path to a T. Luckily I learned the lesson - in a big way was *forced* to, far earlier than my Mother did - though, actually, I'm still not sure whether or not she truly did or just went on and settled again - but in a different way. It takes really tough and painful decisions, but in the end - whoooo boy is it ever worth it!

[skyefyr.livejournal.com]

It's funny, we were walking around base yesterday and Billy made such a huge deal about being able to hold my hand here. I guess I was laughing because the hand holding is just a part of every day for us, but apparently it's a big deal to do it in public on an air force base. :-)

[mage-imbroglio.livejournal.com]

As I've been saying since we got together... "There is very little that can't be fixed or improved through good sex!"

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I love you, honey. :)

[skyefyr.livejournal.com]

What an incredibly wise man you are. :-)

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

I envy this happiness.
I've never had a relationship like that, nor do I expect to be partnered any time soon.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Give yourself the precious gift of time, sweetie. It can and will happen, when it's supposed to happen. Until then, you have lots of work to do---new house, new life, new ways of doing things, new discoveries about yourself. It's hard work, and it's going to take up a lot of your time. Enjoy this "you" time---the world is always going to be there to try to pry it away from you! :)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

It took me 15 years to find the courage to leave my unsatisfying partnership and look for a more fulfilling one. But even after decades without this, finding it is possible!

[justusgirlz.livejournal.com]

I love how this relates back to my personal mission statement!

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Smiling with happiness that you are in the world, dear one.

[puckmls.livejournal.com]

I've noticed over the years that when I'm in a positive, fulfilling relationship, with lots of touching and closeness (and good sex), that I want sweets and carbohydrates much less. It's as though my pleasure centers are getting their needs met through physical closeness, and don't need the additional stimuli of sweet food.

Of course, I ALWAYS appreciate really good chocolate, whether I'm in a relationship or not. :-)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I've noticed a very similar thing. When I am focused on the pleasure I get from intimate connection, I seem to lose weight without even trying.

The joy of the connection replaces the pleasure I usually get from sweets.

[skyefyr.livejournal.com]

Strangely, I can have all the extras, but if I'm not getting the actual "sex" part, the rest doesn't mean much. Maybe I'm just wired wrong, but I need the physical, animal side to come out to feel really satisfied in a relationship.

But I totally agree with the article here. Everything we do is about meeting our needs as individuals, and when there's a gaping hole in an area where our needs aren't being met, we look for other things to fill that hole. Food, shopping, emersing yourself in something else, even reading can be an escape for me. And yet, in the end, all I ever seem to *really* want is sex.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

You know, I understand. there is something profound in great sex that feeds me in a way that little else can.