"As above, so below": Earth bending for Pagans

[sabrinamari]

Mailed out my first article yesterday. It was a first attempt but I think it was a good one. The article was a short 2000-3000 word piece targeted to family docs who have no time or patience for jargon or mountains of citations: they want to know how make practice improvements NOW in a few easy-to-grasp steps.

This fit beautifully into my mission ("I am an agent of transformation and change") and the primary channel through which I work (manifesting change pragmatically). In Pagan terms, it's Earth Element work (for 'Avatar' fans, it's a sort of Earth bending). :)

I can see that I am in a period of fast change. I'm aligning that which is external to that which is internal.

Things that don't fit or don't work are being eliminated. A key part of this is accepting what 'is' instead of fighting to try and get people and things to do what I want them to do.

This saves me tremendous emotional and physical energy and pushes me forward in directions I do want to pursue. Who knew that the key was accepting and working with the reality that faces me? I didn't, or at least I didn't fully grasp the concept.

I guess I'm "showing my belly to the gods".

Dave Shnarch and Ruth Morehouse promote this approach to marriage and personal relationships in their book "Passionate Marriage," and their counseling style, but it turns out to be good for many things.

******
Incidentally, I recommend their work for Blue Star Neophytes and Second Degrees: it's all targeted towards improving one's marriage (and EXCELLENT for this), but the core concept of differentiation is key to personal transformation and strong personal relationships in many areas; it's also a core concept for First and Third Degree initiates who enter into Craft teaching/learning relationships.

Here's a link to very inexpensive used copies of their book (but remember that you can always use your local library!):

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0805058265/ref=dp_olp_2

Here's a link to their counseling center: http://www.passionatemarriage.com/

Here's a link to the page that lists their public workshops, Enrichment Weekends and week-long Intensives. There are none listed now, but as they are scheduled, they should go up here:

http://www.passionatemarriage.com/ws_couples_enrich.shtml

******

I'm trying to align one thing a day.

It's challenging. It's good.

Another recommendation for anyone who wants help figuring out their personal mission statement, or assistance in designing a plan to align inner and outer or "get on the right bus in life". It's an unusual recommendation, but I often find Craft/personal growth recommendations in unusual genres and places:

"Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap... and Others Don't"
http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0066620996/ref=dp_olp_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1210771189&sr=1-1

It's all in the language of business/starting your own business, but it's really a step-by-step manual for making the leap from good to great in any endeavor. It's very specific and very clear, although you will need to adapt the instructions to fit your circumstances.

If you want some help getting from where you are to where you want to be, you could do worse than to start here. Recently, I rented it on Simply Audio. Then mage_imbroglio converted it to an audiobook with free software (Audiobook Builder) and downloaded it to my iPod. Now I listen to selected chapters when I want to check in and see how I'm doing.

http://www.simplyaudiobooks.com/

Comments

Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

I wish that the "Passionate Marriage" book had some examples of "failures." I did read it, and journal on it, and work it, and use its suggestions in couples therapy, but all participants need to want to, and be willing to change! When only one of us is playing the game, it is impossible to win.

Re: Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

And for me, that was exactly the lesson.

When someone doesn't want to change, you differentiate. this means that you really grasp what you want for your happiness and refuse to accept anything less in your life. If your partner/significant other/companion/friend refuses to change enough so that your core needs are met, you accept this and walk away.

Also, you don't just listen to what they say: you watch what they do. Often, they will say one thing and do another. Over time, this will become clear.

The rule is simple: watch actions, and take those actions seriously. Then walk towards what you want and leave behind what you don't.

If you do not get what you need for happiness and healthy existence, *accept this* and do not fight it anymore. Once you have made a sustained good faith effort and no change is forthcoming, withdraw your energy from the conflict and head straight for what you want, even if that means walking out of the marriage/relationship.

Until you have the courage to accept what is and stop fighting against what is---and until you are able to raise your level of differentiation so that you can move on no matter what---you will be stuck in a no-win situation.

Success is learning the lesson and moving on until you find what you want.

This is how I succeeded. Now, my life is full of joy. :)

Re: Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

The actions certainly spoke in this case, and the lessons were difficult. They have, however, been learned.
I await the joy. Right now, I relearn that I am beautiful all by myself!

Re: Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Damned straight!

[laughing] Or rather, right on, sister!

Re: Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

You are right, this approach, when used in a relationship, needs both parties to participate to have the end result of a more functional, intimate marriage. However, each person works independently so while a partner may not put in the work toward differentiation, the other partner can do so and end up happier as a result. Unfortunately it means that they won't end up still married.

That is a very scary jump to make. I was lucky in that my partner decided to do his own work because whether he did his work or not, I was doing mine. If he hadn't done his, we wouldn't still be married. Knowing that was where we were headed made the process terrifying.

Re: Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

This is an accurate assessment.

Like most other things in life, it requires courage and the willingness to let go of something that is dear to you if it presents a barrier to core happiness.

Anyone who says that healthy intimacy isn't challenging and potentially terrifying is just not paying attention. But the potential rewards are worth the risk, in my opinion.

Re: Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

I think I was too pissed off to be terrified.
By the time I got to "this MUST change now, or this must end!" I was done with putting up with disrespect and crap.
The terror came later, when I was ALONE. And then, I was ALONE some more. And then, guess what, I was ALONE.
And, now, I'm okay with being ALONE, even if it is forever.
I'd rather ALONE than what I was living with.

Re: Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Or in Spanish,"Mejor sola que mal acompananda"---better alone than badly partnered.

But I do not think you will be alone for always.

Re: Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

Oaths are a dangerous thing, and I was very careful with mine. I never said, "until death do us part" our contract said, "as long as love does last." If I had sworn an Oath to a lifetime commitment, I would have been bound to fulfill my Oath rather than pursue my happiness, and that's a quandary I believe many people of faith face.
What do we do when we are Oathbound to things that are not good for us? My word is my bond, especially on issues of honor.

Re: Mission Impossible (re:Passionate Marriage)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

I do not believe that one is bound forever to an oath that harms one or multiple participants. People are human, and their understanding is imperfect.

I believe that as one grows in understanding, one may come to understand that an oath as originally undertaken does inflict harm.

In that case, I think I would articulate my thoughts as clearly as possible and invite dialogue to see if mutually agreed-upon compromise is possible. If not, I would apply due diligence to make my best faith effort to act for the greatest possible benefit of all parties involved without sacrificing my long-term happiness.

I would not keep to the letter of a faulty, unhealthy or ill-conceived oath.

[deboranter.livejournal.com]

omg good to great is required reading at my company. I'm reading it now.

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

The Gods/(the tao) work in beautiful alignment, don't they?

(Smiling)

[deboranter.livejournal.com]

They do!

[sidhne.livejournal.com]

"Audiobook Builder is not compatible with Windows."

Boo! :o(

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

Rats!

Is there a version of this program or some similar one that is compatible with Windows?

[justusgirlz.livejournal.com]

"Things that don't fit or don't work are being eliminated. A key part of this is accepting what 'is' instead of fighting to try and get people and things to do what I want them to do. "

I had done alot of this shortly after the marriage explosion I went through. Maybe I've been a bit lax in it lately - which would explain a few things going on. I had figured part of this out late last week, but it's always good to have a reminder.

Thanks! And good for you!