Tumult

I haven't written for too long and my head and heart are overly full of things. None of it is orderly; none of it is calm. If there were some way to slow or ease all this thinking and feeling without cutting off anything important, I might choose to do it.

No, probably not. Growth always wins.

But I can remember when things felt calm and orderly, when I had everything I wanted and wanted everything I had. It felt good to wake up completely contented with my life. It felt good to imagine that I was in control of what I felt, what I thought and what I wished for.

All the growth I've experienced this year has made me a wiser person and probably a better one, but it's replaced my hard-won calm with tumult.

Probably, I just need to breathe and chill out.

Tonight, I just want some peace.

I'd love to laugh and be able to relax...maybe I can coax my beautiful man into rubbing my head and behaving foolishly with me.

Almost forgot

Hey Pema-lovers, look what's happening:

http://shop.shambhala.com/smile-at-fear

Of course, I signed up and I'm going to take advantage of the 60-day playback as well as the video download afterwards.

Since the universe almost always sends me exactly what I need---whether I know it or not---I'll bet this is precisely what will help me most, at least for now.

Great Path (http://pemachodrontapes.com) is offering MP3 audio downloads of the event in November for $40. You can also get DVDs for $125, but it seems much better to sign up for the online retreat for $59 and get access to the video download, the ebook and the real time retreat.

I hope I can attend another in-person retreat with Pema before she dies---she has so much wisdom to share, and I'd love to soak up every bit of it that I can. She seemed so frail when I last saw her.