Lots of resistance
Sep. 21st, 2011 03:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabrinamariI'm going to see a friend tonight. It's both business and pleasure. She is dear to me, and I'm really looking forward to several hours of chatting and exploring and just enjoying each other's other's company. She lives in Philadelphia, so we don't see each other often. Once, she lived close and was part of the late stages of Braided Stream. We even worked in the same office for a couple of years---that was so much fun!
She's also going to help me step out of a role that I've held for about two years now. For at least the last year, it's been a poor fit for me. I've tried to get out of it multiple times with little success. Thankfully, my friend is going to step in and take my place while I build/imagine/create a new role that's a much better expression of who I actually am. But I've built up so much agida around this whole deal that I am really going to need her to sit beside me while we walk through all the paperwork together and plan the transfer.
Mechanically, it's probably not going to be that difficult. Emotionally, it will doubtless be a challenge. Having a friend sit with me while I go face-to-face with tasks I really don't want to deal with is an old strategy that I still make use of when I find myself regressing into deep-set patterns of resistance.
It doesn't matter how old I get. My patterns lessen---or maybe my tools get better---but they don't go away.
Whenever I feel backed into a corner or pushed/forced into anything, it's as though I become a sullen, angry child. I don't argue or fight and I'm not especially mouthy. But there's something in me that *absolutely refuses* to go in any direction in which I feel forced, pushed, compelled or shoved. I just can't make myself do it. It's this place of silent refusal, of no and no and NO AND NO! And what part of no isn't yet clear? Back off!
When I get to this place, I will do *anything* to slip away and not have to deal with whatever it is. Often, I don't even mention how I'm feeling.
Sometimes, though, I do voice my resistance, and if, for whatever reason, it doesn't get heard or understood, the desire to escape/walk away becomes utterly overwhelming. At that point, I just want to get out of Dodge, or as close to it as I can manage.
So tonight, my friend is gonna sit next to me while we look through all the things I really don't want to look through and plan all the actions I really don't want to take.
It helps, somewhat, that all of this effort will get me out of a role that doesn't fit and closer to a role that does. It helps a little. But mostly, I really, really don't want to do this.
She's also going to help me step out of a role that I've held for about two years now. For at least the last year, it's been a poor fit for me. I've tried to get out of it multiple times with little success. Thankfully, my friend is going to step in and take my place while I build/imagine/create a new role that's a much better expression of who I actually am. But I've built up so much agida around this whole deal that I am really going to need her to sit beside me while we walk through all the paperwork together and plan the transfer.
Mechanically, it's probably not going to be that difficult. Emotionally, it will doubtless be a challenge. Having a friend sit with me while I go face-to-face with tasks I really don't want to deal with is an old strategy that I still make use of when I find myself regressing into deep-set patterns of resistance.
It doesn't matter how old I get. My patterns lessen---or maybe my tools get better---but they don't go away.
Whenever I feel backed into a corner or pushed/forced into anything, it's as though I become a sullen, angry child. I don't argue or fight and I'm not especially mouthy. But there's something in me that *absolutely refuses* to go in any direction in which I feel forced, pushed, compelled or shoved. I just can't make myself do it. It's this place of silent refusal, of no and no and NO AND NO! And what part of no isn't yet clear? Back off!
When I get to this place, I will do *anything* to slip away and not have to deal with whatever it is. Often, I don't even mention how I'm feeling.
Sometimes, though, I do voice my resistance, and if, for whatever reason, it doesn't get heard or understood, the desire to escape/walk away becomes utterly overwhelming. At that point, I just want to get out of Dodge, or as close to it as I can manage.
So tonight, my friend is gonna sit next to me while we look through all the things I really don't want to look through and plan all the actions I really don't want to take.
It helps, somewhat, that all of this effort will get me out of a role that doesn't fit and closer to a role that does. It helps a little. But mostly, I really, really don't want to do this.
